


Faith's Journal

by Mbarduk



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Angst and Humor, Diary/Journal, F/F, Fights, Love Confessions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-21
Updated: 2016-04-01
Packaged: 2018-04-10 13:36:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 63,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4393958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mbarduk/pseuds/Mbarduk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's all well and good keeping a journal of her inner most feelings for a certain blonde slayer, but what happens when Faith can't keep things hidden any more? Can Buffy ever love her back? What will the rest of the Scoobies say? And what is the latest Big Bad that's come to destroy Sunnydale?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is slightly AU. Timewise think Season 5 Buffy, with some of the events of Seasons 3 and 4 having occured. One big difference though, in my universe Faith never went all out bad and evil at the end of Season 3. Instead she decided to stick around and help Buffy slay the bad guys instead of becoming one herself. Because, well, I always wondered what would have happened between the two slayers if Faith had hung around a bit longer.

May 2000

So we’re training right. And there she is. All blonde and sweaty and totally kicking some class A-ass with the new punch bag Giles got for her. He got me stuff too. I went three rounds with Xander in a padded suit...cool. Pretended it was Army Boy and kicked the shit out of him. I seem to be burning off more energy than I ever used to, or at least I need to burn it off and don’t always get the chance. Things are slow on the Hellmouth since the government boys vacated for sunnier climes, leaving one G.I. Joe behind that they shouldn’t have. Don’t know why but the guy just winds me up the wrong way. He’s so square looking, and he’s like built for pounding the bad guys but all he ever does is follow B around like a lost puppy, talking the talk but not walking the walk. Nah, ‘cause that’s our jobs so he can just back off from my territory...I mean our territory.

Eventually, as always happens lately, me and B get into a sparring match. Starts off your gentle practice kinda deal at first. You know she tries a roundhouse kick, I block it with both arms then sweep her legs, she jumps over them…yadda yadda yadda as Red might say. Then I miss an easy punch she throws at me and our skin connects. She’s in that grey/white vest combo she always wears for training, and I’m in my usual: black, tight, everything-waiting-to-break-out look. Our arms are bare, and it’s her hands on my bare arms that makes me realise I blacked out for a second there. Damn it. Man I never lose concentration like that. I felt like such a class A idiot. No doubt she’s thinking that anyway, or the other alternative, “yay me, I decked Faith and she never saw it coming”….Man, if the world could have spewed forth a demon or Hell itself at that point I would have welcomed it with a woo, a hoo and a big ticker tape parade. And the strangest thing was happening to my body too. It was all tingly. Like when you were a kid and you’d put your tongue on the end of a battery just to get that buzzing sensation shoot through your mouth. Well that was what my body was doing. Must have been from the Slayer whammy B gave me, but still... her hands on my bare flesh got me thinking…

Nah, five-by-five right?

 

May 2000

Okay so here’s something new. Turns out Slayer Healing becomes null and void when you actually get decked by a Slayer. Cancels each other out, just like back in maths class with those two negatives make a positive shit. Or two wrongs make a right. Say, how does that work anyhow? Well either way the fact is I got up this morning feeling like I’d had one too many hits of the good stuff Willy keeps behind the bar at Demon’s R Us, looked in the mirror and sure as shitting in the woods is gonna be rough on your ass I had one huge…what is it Giles says?…shiner! Yeah my right eye all puffed up like I had gone ten rounds with the vampire version of Muhammad Ali. No need for my usual dark eyeliner and smoky shadow this morning. Hello to sunglasses and stupid remarks from the sleaze ball who calls himself the manager of this dive I sleep in.

“Say little lady. Get into a fight diddya? Hope he was worth it.”

Two things went through my head at this point. One—beating him to a bloody pulp would save me on next week’s rent but would lead to trouble for yours truly, and I’ve been trying to avoid running into my old buddy trouble ever since me and B hooked up with this slayer gig. And the second thing, why is it everyone assumes where I am concerned there is always a he? Like I’m just Sunnydale’s entry to Slut of The Year or something. Okay I might not dress like the girl next door, 'cause well B has that covered and come to think of it looks damn fine doing it, but I’m not some skanky ho looking for a quick fix either. Is that how people see me? Is that how  _she_ sees me?

Man that bothers me.

I can just picture them now, the Scoobies, talking around Giles’ table at the Magic Box. “You gotta admit, she dresses like a ho,” that’ll come from Red, and she’ll drop her voice low for the ‘ho’ bit in that annoying way she does whenever she thinks she is saying something bad. Xander will probably chip in with some macho crap. “Well she looks good to me” at which point that ex-demon girlfriend will hit him or screech “hey” the way she does and launch into her “when I was a demon” routine. Something along the lines of “…oh there were plenty of girls like Faith around back in my demon days, I never liked them. They didn’t need a vengeance demon. They got their revenge by leaving in the morning without milking the cows.” Or some other such shit.

Would B jump to my defence? Slayers stick together right? She’d go with her diplomatic face, trying to keep the peace between everyone like usual, but still I can hear her now. “Faith’s Faith, she’s just a little pre-occupied with sex that’s all.”

Well fuck them! And fuck that guy this morning. And fuck my mother whose legacy was to dress dirty and talk even dirtier so the shitheads of the world won’t use you for a dumpster. And fuck me for believing her. And for caring what other people think of me. What  _she_ thinks of me. Man this is a road I don’t want to walk down.

Five by five. Eat shit and die Faith.

 

May 2000

Yesterday was a bad day. A low point in the already batting zero life that I call my own. Freaky stuff is happening and it’s not got anything to do with a new Big Bad coming into town, or one of Red’s spells going ass first down the john again.

I mean freaky stuff is happening to me.

Take this morning for instance. Finally showed my face at the Magic Box, my slightly less bruised but still showing some signs of “ouch that hurts” face that is. I was really hoping to not run into any of the Scoobies. Just wanted to check in with Giles and go some rounds with that punch bag. It had my name on it you know? They should have all been at college anyway or doing their day jobs. Day job, now there’s a novel idea. You’d think that the job of Vampire Slayer would automatically free up your days ‘cause guess what guys? Vamps have a problem with direct sunlight!.Yeah but there’s plenty of demons who don’t. B will back me up on this one. Don’t know how she can pull off all that studying and slaying and licking Army Boy’s tonsils as much as she does. But that’s B for you. One of the people who do rather than the people who don’t. Three guesses to which category I fall into.

But what do you know? For once college gal slayer ain’t hitting the books or talking girl talk with Red over a mochaccino. She’s at the Magic Box with Giles. She said she was waiting for me. Okay. That got my attention. She looks at my face. Had to dump the glasses when I came inside ‘cause they’re so damn dark I almost knocked over the crystal ball display Giles hooked up for the tourist trade. So much for Slayer Agility. She can see the shiner she gave me the other day. And there’s this look in her eyes, this pained look as if she knows my face aches the kinda ache you get after a really mean dentist has been at you, and she realises she was the one to cause it in the first place. Concern and sorrow are warring with each other in her eyes, and I’m still getting over the fact she said she was waiting to see me.

Then BAM! Full on body slam knocking the wind right out of me. What was it? A demon yeah? Some big mother intent on killing a slayer for the rep he’d get. Nope. I felt like I’d been hit by a ten-tonne truck being driven by a ten-tonne evil guy, but all it took to make me feel that way was her hand, lightly touching my bruised face. And then she almost whispered it, her voice cracking a little.

“I’m so sorry Faith. I never meant to hurt you.”

Told you man, freaky stuff is happening to me lately.

Five by five.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

May 2000

Imagine a voice is whispering constantly in your head, but you can’t quite make out what it’s saying. Like there’s no volume control or the reception keeps fading, so it sometimes comes through clear and you might be able to grasp what’s going on, but then you move an inch or raise your arm too high and black out - fuzzy grey lines and crackling static. Like Spike’s set he hocked for his crib always missing the end of Passions. And maybe you can fit the pieces together with what you’ve already heard, just like with Passions you can predict what’s gonna happen next, ‘cause let’s face it, writing a soap ain’t brain surgery. Mistaken identity, long lost sisters, unwanted pregnancy and somewhere there is a priest banging his brother’s wife. (Jeez I need to stop hanging so much at Spike’s). Well I have this whispering in my head and it’s getting louder. It wants out. It wants to be heard and I really don’t want to be around to hear what it’s got to say. ‘Cause I’ve an idea what it wants to tell me. Hell I maybe a High School no show, but I’m not some big old dumbass either. Show me a 2 and a 2 and I’ll turn it into a 4. Give me a map of the world and I can find the shitheap I crawled out of at birth. Adjust the volume on this whisper that’s inside me and I know what’s gonna come blasting out. 

But I’m not ready. I’m so with the not ready for this. All on board with the maintaining of the status quo. Have a full measure of don’t rock the boat in my hip flask and I’m heading straight for denial town if that’s what it takes. 

I’m not screwing up again. 

I’m not about to let my heart get ripped out. ‘Cause living on the Hellmouth there is enough danger of that happening all in a night’s work, so I’m sure as shit not gonna invite someone to do it willingly. Even if that someone has the prettiest smile I’ve ever seen. 

Damn it Faith! Be resolved girl. 

Five by five

 

May 2000

What’s that saying? Ten steps forward and twelve steps back. Yeah that about sums up my day. I’m all with the ignoring how B affects me whenever she walks into a room. Denying the place is dark until she comes in and smiles. Like she brings this light with her that warms me to my very core0, and I never even knew I was cold. All she has to do is say “Hi Faith” and I get this burning feeling start in my stomach that wants to race as fast it can around every inch of my body. And it’s not happy until it reaches my face and makes me blush the way Tara does whenever Red touches her hand. Jeez, never thought I’d have anything in common with T-T-Tara. 

Well so much for denial. So much for thinking I’m five by five, putting down B’s affect on me to some weird Slayer affinity/Chosen One thing. It’s not. It really isn’t.

We were out on patrol. And I’m dealing. When I’m in patrol mode I’m pretty focused. Well as focused as I can get. And I’m really jonesing for some vamp butts to dust. Trying not to notice the new top B’s wearing. A sweater from Bloomies she said. All tight and pastely. Now me, I know I go for the “I like any colour as long as it’s black” arena of retail therapy, but on B she could be wearing bright orange with purple stripes and I bet it would still look cute. So there we are, Sunnydale Memorial, minus the Scoobies and Army Boy. I think B is still feeling bad over that punch last week, wants strictly Slayer alone time with me I guess. She’s doing her usual talking fast thing. ‘Cause if she doesn’t fill the gaps between us there is this silence that just hangs in the air, waiting for someone to slice and dice it. I can’t fill this space with words, she knows it. And she doesn’t want to fill it with anything serious like why she looked so sad the other day in the Magic Box, so I let her drone on and on. One subject bleeding into the next ‘cause she doesn’t seem to remember how to use a full stop or even a comma. I lost her around the time she mentioned Army Boy’s name. Who wants to listen to her jonesing for lover man right? And I’m thinking – I can deal with this. I can cope. Here we are, alone in the dark, but I’m not putting any of my moves on her ‘cause this is über-hetero B, definitely at one with the stick shift if you know what I mean. And besides, it’s been so long since I put moves on a chick I wouldn’t know where to start. (Okay so I’m taking the whole denial gig a bit too far here, but remember I was resolved earlier on).

Then Slayer action. Four vamps dead ahead, pardon the pun. Not much of a challenge I must admit but still, any fight right then was a good thing. Instinct kicked in for both of us and we went on full alert. I vaulted over the nearest tomb and score 1 for the Slayer team! Full body kick sends the first two vamps to the floor, followed by a nifty double staking on my part and we’re down to 2 on 2. B’s handling both of them pretty well. And for a while there I just watch her in action. She looks so good when she’s kicking ass. Gets this mean, determined expression on her face that only I get to see. ‘Cause when we’re slaying together she really lets herself go, doesn’t hold anything back in fear the Scoobies won’t understand. She knows I get it. The need to dust as many bad guys as we can, ‘cause that’s one less bad guy for the rest of the world to not worry about. I’m so lost at watching her I miss a vamp coming up behind me, and again in less than a week I’m caught off guard ‘cause of B as this vamp plows into me, knocking me to the ground. Shit right? And wouldn’t you know it, he’s a big mother and I’ve lost my stake. Talk about caught with your pants down. I’m doing what I can to hold him off me, but it’s hard. Me on my back, legs pinned. This guy must have been a pie eating champ or something before he switched to a liquid diet. Yeah, and I was gonna be his next meal if I didn’t do something real quick. So, running out of options as fast as Xander runs out of intelligent thoughts I yelled for B. That’s what a partner is for after all. Back up. Gabrielle to my Xena right? And it’s been getting easier to ask for her help lately. 

Could have done without what happened next though. 

B’s offloaded her two vamps just in time to see my guy sharpen his milk teeth. She zips into action, more than a hop skip and a jump kinda deal and WHAM! Dives on his back, stakes him, and there goes the dust bunny from hell. Of course what’s left is empty space between us, and before I can even think this is not an ideal position for me and B to be in she’s already dropped on top of me. 

FULL BODY CONTACT! 

That’s what my head was screaming real loud when it happened. 

B is on top of me.

B’s face is inches away from my face and looking real cute up close. 

B’s hands are dangerously close to my breasts, and although I wouldn’t want to swear on the bible or Xander’s stack of porn mags about it now, but at the time all this was happening it felt as though B copped an accidental feel when we were meshed up together. 

And I thought I’d been horny all the other times we’d wiped out the bad guys. 

Soon enough she rights herself and gets off me. A little breathless, we both were. Don’t want to guess what made her breath so laboured. I know mine was hitching in my throat, and my lungs were sending messages to my brain for it to send down some of the good stuff, but my brain was so not with obeying such an inconvenient demand as breathing. It was somewhere between “God B smells so good” and “What the hell just happened?” 

We look at each other. Her face is flushed. A crimson blush rising to her cheeks just like me whenever she is around. Huh, weird. Then she goes “You okay Faith?” 

“Five by five B.” 

Hell what else could I have said?


	3. Chapter 3

June 2000

So when did this happen to me?

When did I change from the Slayer in complete control over emotions, thoughts and motor functions into this crazy, burning, babbling idiot sat in this sleaze pit writing words that don’t even sound like me?

How did I let her in my heart? Shit, I never even realised it had a key, let alone that it was in easy reach of her hands. I never saw her coming, and that’s the weird part. I mean I’m no fool when it comes to the L word. Maybe the Scoobies think I’m incapable, maybe even she thinks that, and I sure as hell know Army Boy thinks all I’m good for is a vertical slaying and a horizontal laying. But I’ve been there. I know the signs to dodge and drive around. There’s no actual road map, I know that, but all the same there’s some familiar landmarks to watch out for. 

Breathlessness for one thing just catching a glimpse of her smile. 

Losing the ability to say anything more intelligent than “five by five” whenever she asks me how I am. 

Lying awake night after night thinking about when I’ll next see her. 

These I should have seen as the warning signs that they are. Hell they practically have a big flashing light on top of them. And if you strain hard enough…yep…you can definitely hear a siren screeching “Stop! Trouble ahead!”

But no instead it’s WHAM! There it was one morning when I woke up. Like Federal Express delivered it overnight, all neatly boxed up with a bright red ribbon and glittery gold writing on the outside. 

“To Faith with love from the demon of the heart. Priest of all things fucked up. Keeper of there’s no way out of this one.”

And I tried not to open it man. I’ve really tried. In fact some days I didn’t even notice there was this massive package hanging around my neck, weighing me down yet making me feel light headed at the same time. A yin and yang kinda deal, balancing themselves out so one moment I’m all woo-hoo, sun’s out, Giles’ got me some new boxing gloves for training and I got to spend five minutes of non-slayer time with B when she didn’t mention Army Boy once. Then the next it’s like this fucking weight is pressing me down, heavier than all the shitheads that have wailed me rolled into one. And I’m off my game, miss some easy stakes and have to explain that to Giles. And it’s all I can do not to knock that smug look off of Army Boy’s cardboard face every time B walks in and gives him a “hello big boy” kiss on the mouth. 

God it’s like my skin grows a life of its own and wants off my body to pound him into the ground just for being that close to B. I have to admit it now, there have been more of the weightier moments than the light. More of the yang…or would it be the yin? Oh who gives a fuck right? Same difference. It’s been shitty not opening up that box, so I went ahead and opened it, only I had to do it in my own fucked up why didn’t I?

Guess who showed up for a visit a few days ago? An old buddy of mine decided to swing by Sunnydale. Didn’t say where she was going to but thought our quaint little doorway to Hell seemed a good enough spot to park up her leathers, kick off her boots and put on the darkest, reddest lipstick she could find. Hadn’t seen her in a long time, she can be kinda fun, so I invited her to stay awhile. Wasn’t until she’d been around a few days did I realise why I had avoided her for so long. She’s a bitch. Not one of little Dawnie’s beyatchs either. 

She’s your selfish grown-up variety of bitch. What’s her name?

Faith, of course. 

 

June 2000

Where do I start?

Where the hell is the entrance to this place I fucked up? It was there a week ago. Had a big neon sign on it then begging me to enter. Didn’t care that behind me I was dragging some Big Bad along. Something even the Slayer couldn’t defeat. Nothing mythical about it, don’t get me wrong. No answers in a book this time Giles. No magic spell conjured by Red could counteract it. Followed me home one night that’s all. Brought on by too many JDs and a hollow feeling I get every time she leaves me alone after patrol. Couldn’t stop it, even if I’d tried. But I didn’t. Hell I’d invited it in! How’s that for irony? Of all people I should know you don’t invite the Big Bad into your house ‘cause it’s hell to get rid of, and the stains on the carpet are a bitch to get out. 

And now the Big Bad has left me with the clean up bill. It don’t matter that I can’t afford the check ‘cause I can’t even find the fucking door to see exactly how much mess was left behind.

It would be simple for someone like her. Easy to shoulder the responsibility and own up to the priceless vase she broke, or the dry-cleaning she forgot to pick up ‘cause she was on her way to party-town and it slipped her mind. She’d just say it. Two little words. She’d say it with a half-smile and that wrinkly thing she does with her nose when she has some making up to do. Army Boy gets that expression a lot ‘cause he’s always pissed at her for missing a date when she’s been patrolling with me. Grow up farmhand. Hello, saving the world here. But she gives in to him every time. Wrinkles that cute nose and says those two words that I can’t even write down. Yeah it would be a breeze for her to come out and cop a whole heap of disapproving shit from Giles, her mom, even Red gets judgemental sometimes in the way only best friends do. You know she tries to sound understanding and supportive, but secretly her latent Jewish sensibilities and the not-so-latent other sensibilities are outraged for behaviour that’s not becoming for a nice girl next door type like B. I remember it from the last time. Everyone’s panties twisting and scrunching real hard around the crotch just ‘cause me and B went on for some flirty girl on girl dancing down at the Bronze. And back then I didn’t even see B. Not really. Not like I see her now. 

Now is different. In so many ways it’s different. And this time around she hasn’t got any making up to do, it’s me that has the shit to clear up. The funny thing is in the past, I would never have cared about the mess I left behind after Big Bad showed her slutty face at my door. I never even thought that far ahead. That there would be fall out of the nuclear variety from my actions would never have even entered my head back then. But like I said, things are different now. I’m different. B is different. The whole fucking world went and got itself involved with me and everything between me and her changed. So what I could get away with in the past sticks in me like a stake now. Slowly turning me to dust instead of the instant annihilation I’m used to. And the words that will make this all go away, or at least buy me some brownie points for trying and time to prove that the bitch is really gone for good now, I can’t even utter. 

She can say them and mean them when she has only done the slightest thing wrong, but I stand as mute as if The Gentlemen were back and this time had only picked on my voice to rob. 

I don’t know where to start, and I don’t know how to explain, and I don’t know how to say the words...

...I’m sorry.

Five by five? You have to be fucking joking.


	4. Chapter 4

June 2000

Gotta admit, today was hard for me. The kind of day you wish had started out different you know? Like you could have changed everything that happened to you if you’d just taken ten minutes longer getting ready. Or not stayed up till three in the morning counting the cracks in the bedroom ceiling, making faces appear in the shadows cast from the glaring street light through your window. Didn’t need a sweep of Sunnydale Memorial last night to bring the demons out, they were in full force running across the walls of my room. Funny thing is, they all had the same face chasing them away every time I closed my eyes. The face of the Slayer. Don’t know which was worse, keeping my eyes open to see giant inky black beasts threaten me from the shadows or closing my eyes and seeing her face looming at me from a distance. A smile on her goddamn perfect lips fading each time I tried to get closer to her. Man, the mind is one fucked up piece of machinery. Seems mine has gone into total meltdown ever since I started noticing my skin tingle each time she is near.

So I’m not sleeping. Last night another long night of lying awake on my back thinking how I was gonna be able to face all the Scoobies again. How I was gonna explain to Giles my serious non-carrying out of ancient Chosen One duties in the streets of Sunnyhell. Most of all, like all my sleepless nights lately, I was thinking of how I was gonna react the next time I saw B. More importantly, how she was going to react to seeing me. Hell I’ve already had the Buffy Summers’ Special slam into my face once when she wasn’t even trying, what if she decided she’d really pack some of her Slayer Strength behind it? It’s no wonder all I manage is a few hours each night until I rush to consciousness before my dream B hits me with her fists instead of the lips I really want to be smacked with. And I wake up each morning with dark circles under my eyes, we’re talking craters man. Big old ‘park your moon buggy here’ size craters and a strange stinging salty feeling around the edge of my eyes, that I know must be the remains of tears but I can’t quite remember the sensation of them falling. ‘Cause if I could remember the urge to cry I sure as shit wouldn’t have let it happen. I don’t do that. Not me. So waking up this morning with all the same strange stuff in my head and the weird tight feeling in my throat, as if I’d choked on the tears that I won’t let fall in daylight, I decided enough was enough. I think I might have actually said that out loud in the bathroom mirror as I tried to repair some of the damage to my sleep deprived face with make-up. So I looked less like the kinda scum me and B dust from time to time and more like a human being. Yeah I looked at myself and just thought fuck it! Enough is enough! Grabbed my jacket, pocketed my keys and got outta there. I was headed for the Magic Box, and like I said before, things weren’t exactly a walk through the park when I got there. 

You know how you get that sinking feeling inside your stomach sometimes? Like suddenly the gravity inside you drops to below zero and takes all your insides with it. Like you’ve just become some bottomless pit and you’re twisting and turning. Reaching out to stop yourself from falling any further. Thinking that soon you’ve got to reach the end of this roller coaster ride you never paid to go on. But actually the falling sensation never stops. And the queasy feeling comes soon after it when you have to breathe in extra slow in case some big fat chunks of carrot and peas make there way up to the surface, even though you won’t have eaten either since 6th Grade cafeteria food was mandatory. It’s like they’ve been laying in wait all this time to be vommed up and gross you out. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel like that today on my way to the Magic Box. 

Being the Slayer doesn’t mean we don’t go through the same shitty feelings as a regular Joe who knows they have some bad shit to face up to. I found that out today. 

And can I just add how this all was made worse by the fact then when I walked into the shop, my eyes squinting against the change from bright California sunshine to shady incense laden light inside, I wasn’t just faced with a surprised stare from Giles, but the whole damn Scooby gang, including Army Boy, was out in force around the table. One by one they registered my presence and I theirs like in one of those lame old Westerns they show on cable most nights. The no-good gun slinger in black moseying back into town, like a useless habit that won’t be kicked without a fight. I could even hear that corny music in my head. You know the one from that Clint Eastwood film The Good The Bad and the Ugly, as I walked the few steps towards the back of the shop, my boots suddenly sounding like they had a pair of spurs on them. And there was no doubt in anyone’s eyes when I looked into them who the Bad of this scenario was. She was standing right there in front of them, a neutral expression on her face to hide the roller coaster ride her stomach had decided it wanted to enjoy again. Hands stuffed into pockets so they wouldn’t start up with some elaborate nervous dance through her hair, the way they always did as a kid and her slut of a mom had caught her swiping nickels from her purse for a soda pop. A mouth so suddenly dry, the tongue stuck to the roof of it inside when she tried to open it and say “Hey, what’s happening?” Just like she always says “Hey, what’s happening?” when she comes to the Magic Box and the Scoobies are all there in a row.

I stood there frozen to the spot, ghostly cowboy music echoing away in my head, and the eyes of everyone peering at me from around the table like a panel of judge, jury and executioner all rolled into one convenient package. I was tempted to just return their obvious rage at me with some of my own. Something along the lines of “Well fuck you guys in your ivory towers with your goddamn perfect lives.” Or “Like you’ve never gone down the road marked No Entry before and wound up in shit creek alley.” That one I thought of saying to Giles, because of all the faces I was looking at his was the only one I thought I saw a faint glow of understanding in. I was tempted to say all of this and then some as soon as my tongue removed itself from the top of my mouth when the door opened behind me hitting the little bell, breaking my body’s inability to move. And ‘cause everyone’s eyes that had been boring into me so much moved past me to see whoever had entered the shop I did the same thing. 

I didn’t realise that she hadn’t been sat with the Scoobies all this time. 

I didn’t even notice the lack of her. I just expected that if the Scoobies were out in force then their fearless leader would be there too. Wearing the same expression they all had plastered to their faces, like it was on special from K-Mart and they decided to buy in bulk. My mind just put her there off its own back, like it had so many nights lately when I’d finally fallen asleep. And it felt like I was waking from a dream when I saw her with my own eyes walking into the shop, and my mind started to behave itself so I could register that she’d not been here all along. 

SWOOSH! That was my stomach hitting the floor again as our eyes met. 

ERUUGH! That was the congealed carrots vomming their way up my throat as she walked closer to me. 

HUH? That was my mind screaming when she stopped in front of me and spoke. 

“Faith. It’s good to see you.”

There wasn’t a hint of sarcasm to her tone, not a flash of anger to her pale green eyes. What I heard was relief. What I saw as we became locked in such an intense gaze I’m not sure the Gates of Hell opening up around us could have swayed us from it, was concern. Concern for me. That can’t be right, right? Time out world please! HUH was now joined by WHAT THE FUCK? in my head, and instead of vom rushing up inside me, now it was like my blood had been placed on tidal wave alert, and my body started hankering down for a real mean trip along the shoreline. 

I tried to open my mouth but my jaw had locked into place, as if it had come out in sympathy with the dry tongue inside. So nothing happened apart from a weird clenching sensation up high in my cheekbones that hurt, the way your jaw hurts after you’ve received a real nice blow to it. A bit like the last time I saw this kinda concern in B’s eyes after she’d slayer-decked me. 

“We were worried about you.” 

For like half a second I got to enjoy hearing that phrase fall from her lips. Got to relish the feeling of having someone who cared enough about me to be worried. And not just someone but B had been worried. In fact not only B but all of them. My mind was like on total overload. It was just catching up to recognising the feeling inside me now resembled how you feel when you finally find a place that says, in big flashing lights and perhaps glitter around the edges “Welcome. This is where you belong” when jerkwad Army Boy had to open that fucking square jaw of his.

“I wasn’t worried.”

I had my back to him but I could see the expression on his stupid arrogant shitty face all the same as he said it. The contempt in his eyes that he always thinks is hidden. The scorn in the set of his jaw when B laughs at one of my jokes. The hate he feels for me and can’t quite figure out why, ‘cause to his lame Army principles it wouldn’t have crossed his mind that I am jonesing for his girlfriend. Rest assured the feeling’s mutual between us. Finally got that message when I cottoned onto the fact that B is more than my good Slayer half, she is half of me now. I’m not complete without her and part of the reason I will never have her was sitting behind me, the hatred showing plainly in view for once. 

And the bastard thing about it as much as I hate to think a jerk like Army Boy affects me in the slightest way, it still felt like the welcome mat that had only just been laid out for me had been pulled out from under my feet. I was like those glasses on a magicians table after he’s ripped the table cloth off. Only the stunt’s gone wrong and all the glasses are about to fall and smash into a million pieces on the floor. But I didn’t figure that there was someone in the Magic Box that day that had a solution for this, and she caught all the glasses before they even moved an inch.

B. 

She had a look in her eyes that only I saw ‘cause we were so close still, and that look, no word of a lie here I swear it, was a contempt all of her own for Army Boy and that square jaw of his. 

“Well I was worried.” 

She could have said more. Could have translated that look in her eyes down to her vocal cords and got all defendery (a term I’ve heard her use when she’s talking to Dawn sometimes) on my behalf. And there was a part of me that wished she’d done that. Come on Slayer, defend me for once like you so passionately defend the innocents of this town that don’t even know your name. But I am not innocent. And maybe the reason she didn’t say more than that was because she didn’t understand in the first place why she was so concerned for me of all people. Defender of all things good, that’s the Slayer all right. But suddenly the lines of that phrase have gotten blurred. Standing in the Magic Box today, I think B finally realised that fact. 

In the end, everything’s five by five, but man it’s been a hard day.


	5. Chapter 5

June 2000

So the Scoobies are still a little weird around me. Weirder than usual that is. T-T-Tara is clinging closer to Red which I didn't think was possible. And Ex-Demon Chick is cracking more than her usual quota of inappropriate conversation stoppers, which is having a knock on effect on Xander so he spends more of his time looking lame than even he is used to. But I have to admit they are trying to gloss over the one week only appearance of Bitch Faith, and whether that’s all down to how B reacted towards me yesterday in the Magic Box I don’t care. Finally that sinking feeling has stopped and I’m back to being on red alert every time she walks into a room. In case this is the time that the big sack of muscle inside my body commonly known as the heart, decides to ignore the Government Health Warning my brain is giving it and actually...

...does what actually? Lays a fist in Army Boy’s face and tells her she’d be better off with me? Swoops in for a moonlit kiss across the tombstones down at Vamp Central? Pins her against the hobbyhorse in the training room so she can feel how much I want her? Asks her why she looked so relieved yesterday when I finally showed my sorry ass in daylight again?

I want to do all of these things and at the same time I want to do none of them. I want everything to go back to the way it was before I realised she’d become my prime reason for hanging around this shitty town. Before I realised she’d become my prime reason for just hanging around - period. Except I don’t really want things to go back to how they were then, I just don’t want them to be as they are now. Man, this is fucked up. I’m sure things were simpler when I was being a bitch. 

I’m in new territory here. It all looks the same in the daylight, but everything has changed and it’s like I am the only one who notices it. For once I am one step ahead of the class, coming out on top in the SATs instead of just getting a point for marking my name down right. Who’d have thought Faith would be the one to know stuff no one else does? And I wonder how long it’s gonna be till everyone else figures it out. How long it will take for Red to see the way I look at B sometimes is the same way she used to look at T-T-Tara before they got horizontal with each other. Hell I could recognise what she was thinking whenever T-T-Tara walked into the Bronze, like I’d been able to read her prim little thoughts. Don’t know how the rest of them missed it ‘cause it was right there from the start. And Red getting all wiggy sometimes when T-T-Tara took her hand in her own when she thought no one was looking. Man, how come it took Wolfman showing up to make her admit to herself that cute stuttery Wicca was the one that got her juices flowing? She could have come to me and asked me what I thought and I could have saved her a whole heap of time and trouble. 

Only Red would never do something like that, turn to me for help. Yeah right, like I am a person that anyone comes to for help. Sure Faith’s good in the old slaying and staking arena, and she can even show the town hookers a thing or two about fashion, but personal stuff? Deep, life changing, mind blowing ‘I’m in love with another chick’ kinda stuff? Nah, Faith ain’t your gal. Except I am. I was before my eyes opened up to B. It’s easier to recognise something when you’ve seen it around before. There’s a reason why people say, read the book seen the film and bought the t-shirt you know? I haven’t just read the fucking book at one point I wrote the damn thing. Whilst I doubt Red will be able to believe what she is seeing when one of these days I let my guard down and what’s getting harder to ignore in my heart makes it debut on my face, she will recognise it all the same. Just like I did with her. 

And what will happen then? 

Part of me wants to find out and part of me wants this to stop now. New territory is never easy ground to stand on. Last time I came across some new turf was the first time I held a stake in my hand and a vamp turning to dust on the end of it. And I don’t think I am exaggerating here when I say it’s not exactly been an easy ride over the terrain since then. What will happen if my sole occupancy of this space that’s in my head, in my heart, in the goddamn air that I breathe, gets invaded by Red or one of the other Scoobies? 

What will happen if she invades it? 

A rough ride or a smooth jaunt in Giles' sports car to the coast?

Don’t think I’m ready to find out yet. Yeah back to the non-ready of emotions with this one. Back to “five by five” and “hey what’s happening?” and not letting my guard down again. I can do it. I did it before after all. Before Sunnydale was more than just a place on a map. When the only demons I had to worry about were of the two-legged variety mom dragged back with her. Before I ever knew Buffy Summers existed. 

Start as you mean to go on right?

In that case...

...Five by five.

 

June 2000

Best way to ignore this pounding in my heart, so I figured in my infinite wisdom the other day, was just to carry on as normal right? No need for a big change. No need to let the old Faith back in as that clearly hasn’t worked in getting my mind off the path marked Buffy Summers. No need for me to get all wiggy when she is near, ‘cause well I have Slayer Strength, so somewhere inside me there must be Slayer Control too. And that means I can handle the dark humid nights when we’re just the two of us hanging in the cemetery, waiting for some vamps to dust. Just like a couple of regular girls out on a regular kinda...I wanna say date, but I’m supposed to be with the not wigging over B here. And regular girls don’t have dates. And if they did why the fuck would they be hanging out in a cemetery? And if they were you’ve gotta wonder what weird shit they’re into, making the moves on each other in a graveyard…and jeez Faith, can you focus much please?

So I’m carrying on as normal. I’m turning up for practice, not exactly on time and dressed appropriately but hey I’m there. And when I’m there I’m good little Boxing Slayer, or Flying Kick Slayer, or the Slayer that comes with her own handy Byzantine axe. I particularly liked the Slayer that got to hit Army Boy to the mat with a back kick ‘cause he just “accidentally” got in my way…hey, I never saw him Giles, he can be pretty stealthy you know, Initiative training and all that. 

Accept I had heard him, of course I had. Slayer ears remember? All the better to hear you with, asshole!

Me and B were training together, but not you know, training together, as ever since that day B hit me both of us have been a bit cautious with trading blows. So B is over by the punch bag, Giles holding onto it and looking like he wishes he wasn’t. Blondie is sure pummelling that bag pretty hard I remember thinking to myself, but let it slide ‘cause that wouldn’t be carrying on as normal right? And just to prove to myself I am calm in her presence, that I haven’t noticed the sheen of sweat building up over her shoulder blades, glinting in the light from the window. Reminding me of how long it’s been since I saw a chick’s blades glimmer with sweat, and not only how long but where I’d been positioned at the time of that particular memory. Yeah just to prove I am so dealing with the me and B thing I’m practising the Ti-Chi stuff Giles thinks is really cool. He probably likes it so much ‘cause it’s nice and slow and he can do it in his tweeds, but for once I really let myself get into it. ‘Cause it’s right what Giles’ says, you do get into the zone whilst you’re breathing and stretching like that. And when you’re in the zone nothing else matters. Translation being I’ve found a B free place to go to, even when she is in the same room as me and I can smell her perfume. But when I zoned out in the training room moving one arm around in an arc, a quickened version of the same move would have resembled a really solid elbow punch to some un-lucky vamp, I forgot all about that citrus smelling perfume, and the tight grey top she had on dampened in all the right places with her sweat. I was just out there man. Pretty freaky stuff when you stop and think about it. 

Or so I thought until I heard footsteps behind me, off to the right. Distinctive big footfalls that I’d heard before. I realised I wasn’t totally zoned out after all ‘cause not only could I place exactly where those footsteps were, I knew who they belonged to, and what that cardboard cut-out of a soldier had said in the Magic Box the other day. Thinking of that made me think of B again, and all that hard concentrating with the whole breathe out-out-out-in shit Giles had taught me went to waste, as my zone was completely gate-crashed by the one person that I was trying not to think about. So when Army Boy moved closer, I’m guessing he was just gonna ignore me completely and go straight for the top-shelf over there by the punch bag, I just kinda lashed out. Wasn’t thinking of much when I did it. Maybe it crossed my mind as my leg connected with his midsection and he bent double, that it was payback for what he said the other day. Maybe I even thought as I delivered a two handed blow to his back sprawling him to the floor, that it was because he had come in breaking my concentration, making me think of B. But when I looked up from his sorry lame ass on the ma to the surprise on B’s face I realised why I’d done it. And I sure as shit was hoping that reason wasn’t written all over my face as she came over to the both of us. 

I was visited by the little green demon commonly known in human circles as jealousy. 

He gets to have B and I don’t. So I did what any girl in my situation would do, I decked him. 

That’s carrying on as normal wouldn’t ya say?

Five by five.

 

June 2000

You’d think that I’d have some explaining to do again right? The Scoobies would all wig out on me and I’d be faced with that death row walk the next time I came into the Magic Box. Only this time there wouldn’t be her to save me, flick the switch to off and cut the power. In fact it would be her with the noose in her hands, swinging it like it was a jump rope as if she were bored. 

That’s the funny thing about expectations, whether they are too high or too low, something can always come along and shatter them. I’m usually with the keep things at ground level, ‘cause that way you don’t have that far to fall when you get dumped over the side. But I bet people like Red are all with the happy woo-hoo, things look darkest before the dawn but look there is a silver cloud over that lining, or whatever the hell that saying is. So yeah whether they are high or low, the stakes are often the same when it comes to how you expect things to go sometimes. And it’s only just dawned on me how many times lately B has shattered the illusions of my life and let in some light. 

She took the whole “you assaulted my boyfriend” thing way calmly. I talked myself out of it with Giles, like I used to talk my way out of not showing up in Home Room on time or like ever back in High School, but I figured getting the Slayer to calm down would be another matter. ‘Cause like I’ve seen her wail on the Big Bad ever since Army Boy got his super chip removed and he gets himself caught in the cross-fire. Though now I come to think about it that’s been a lot less of a happening lately. Still, I expected to be saying hello to another one of those Summers Specials sometime soon. 

Only it never happened, much to Army Boy’s disappointment I bet. Ha, psyche! 

So here I am wondering why B didn’t go for me. And why when I called at the Magic Box the other day B was hardly capable of keeping a straight face explaining to the rest of the Scoobies why Army Boy wasn’t showing his face much around there anymore. Why when I looked over at her with the green eyed monster fighting to be seen in my eyes, and her honey down on the floor groaning, she wasn’t looking at signs of him being all right, she was mouthing the words...

“Are you okay?”

...to me?

Yeah doing a lot of wondering lately. 

Five by five


	6. Chapter 6

July 2000

You know there is one easy way to explain all this. It can be summed up in a few choice words, a message from our sponsor and a seminar on how to explain things that no one wants explained. 

I know it. I know it as sure as I know sleaze ball is gonna be hassling me for rent on Friday and T-T-Tara is gonna stutter every time someone mentions Wolfman’s name. I know what colours it wears, know how it prefers steak to be cooked. I have its inside leg measurements and its goddamn social security number. If you tapped me on the shoulder and asked me where it lived I could tell you. Take me down to the station show me some mug shots and I’ll be there with “that’s your perp officer, that’s the one you’re after”. I’m in a classroom full of kids and I’m the one saying “oh pick me Miss, pick me, pick me.”

The deal is I know what it’s called, I can explain what it is, I just don’t like what the fuck it’s doing to me.

It’s like I’ve been injected by the government boys and now they’re watching me act all weird, waiting for me to screw this up. If I were more of the paranoid persuasion like Xander that theory would have way more kudos than it deserves. But still, I’m all with the acting not-Faith-like right now, and how fucked up that feels to me must be ten times more X-files for the Scoobies and for her. 

See it starts with a heavy round of patrolling. Had to step it up a gear as some Minor League Bad came onto the scene a few weeks back. We’re not talking the Demon State Playoffs or anything but it was enough for Giles to go all Watchery and start using long words again. And for me and B to spend ‘professional’ time together rather than comparing and contrasting the new Fall line from Ralph Lauren. Okay she’s the one with the fashion I.Q. I usually just stand there and nod and try not to make some lame remark about bulimia being the diet of choice these days. So we’re patrolling together, a lot. And because her house is between my palatial dive and the SunnyD Memorial Home for the Un-dead I started to drop by before the sun went down to you know, ask her out to patrol. Nothing wrong with that right? So far signs of strange-behaviour-Faith aren’t showing themselves. Why wouldn’t one slayer call on another slayer? I mean we were both going to end up in the same place, made sense to go together and discuss our game plan. At first I’m timing it just right so I get B just before she is about to come out and slay anyway. So there are no awkward moments between me and her mom ‘cause I know I make her nervous. The tattoos, the leather, the bad attitude that’s surfaced in her presence more than once. Hell if I had a daughter I wouldn’t let her hang with the likes of me.

But you know what’s gone and happened? My timing started to suck when I realised that B’s mom has chilled out over the whole slayer-gal-pal thing. Doesn’t seem to think it’s such a bad idea anymore her first born having back-up against the Big Bad, positively encourages it in fact. Asks me to come inside and wait for B, offers me cups of tea and shit like that. And if that isn’t enough to throw a girl’s sense of timing off, getting to the Summers’ place a little early I get to witness the rag-fest that is B with Dawnie argue over who does the dishes. And I’ve never seen anyone push B’s buttons the way little Dawnie does. It’s fun to watch. B can stand off against any demon and pretty much walk away unscathed while they are a bloody mess on the floor, yet against her little sister it’s just no contest, Dawnie wins every time. So suddenly it’s okay for me to be spending some ‘family’ time with the Summers girls, and I’m acting all “please and thank you” in front of B’s mom. Man, I even caught myself doing one of those fake you’re-a-parent-so-I-must-laugh-at-your-lame-joke laughs the other day. And B gave me such a weird surprised look I wanted to turn around and say “fuck” just to prove I’m still me. 

But that’s just it isn’t it? I’m not me anymore. I don’t know who the fuck I’m supposed to be and it’s all her fault! 

And if this keeps up, it's not gonna be long before someone catches on. Red is already wigging ‘cause the other day in the Magic Box when she was in total Wicca mode, you know her nose in a book, actually her whole goddamn face was in a book she was zoning so much, I offered to go get her mocha for her ‘cause she had her regular 10 o’clock craving. Not so out of the ordinary for most people I guess, but it seems no one expects that from me. And why would they? Last time I did anyone a favour it involved not breaking a limb for cutting in front of me at the liquor store. 

So there’s me being nice to everyone. Actually listening to Giles when he tells me Slayer stuff, minding my p’s and q’s not to mention the f’s and c’s in front of B’s mom, and every time I see Army Boy I’ve inflicted some sort of damage on him. Well in my head I’ve severed a limb, cracked a few ribs and broken his nose in three places. What I’m actually doing is exchanging these looks with Cardboard Face. He hates me I hate him. We’re upfront about it with each other now.

See what’s happening? I might as well hang out a big banner and hire a sound system to blast out ‘I am jonesing big time for the Slayer!’ 

She’s the one that has got me acting all weird. 

She’s the one that has me being nice to her friends. 

She’s the one who makes me enjoy family time at her house. 

She’s the one that has me split in two. 

She’s the one…

…that’s it…isn’t it?

She’s the one…

Five by five…how the fuck should I know?

 

July 2000

Will someone please stop this spinning inside my head?

I just want one day of not feeling like I have the winning lottery ticket only to discover it’s out of freakin' date when I try and claim my prize. Just want to go back to the time when between me and B there was just subtext. Not this maintext that is screaming inside my head and making things between me and the Slayer all confused.

Take the other night for example. This one is gonna give you a kick trust me. And probably in a few years time if I’m still in the slayer business and not pushing up worms somewhere, I’ll be able to see the funny side too. Right now though…right now I’m stuck on the roller coaster ride of pain and it ain’t slowing down.

It's night and we were patrolling Sunny Memorial again ‘cause we still hadn’t tracked down the Big Bad that flew into town. Giles is re-thinking tactics with the Scoobies back at the Magic Box and has decided that this might not be an easy seek and destroy gig as he originally thought. Jeez Giles, you think? Considering it’s been a week and all me and B got to show for it is a higher ratio of vamps turning to dust than usual I’d say a re-think is way overdue. So Giles packed us off with these enchanted sword things, all very Wiccary ‘cause Red has been working her mojo with T-T-Tara and finally we get a beat on where this demon is hanging. We’ll report back later B tells them, ever ready with the team spirit there B. I’d already decided that if we killed this dude all I was gonna do was swing by the liquor store and spend the rest of the week with a couple of buds. 

Or at least that was what I had in mind.

Man the size of that demon when we finally tracked him down gave both me and B pause for thought. And my thought was ‘fucking hell’ or maybe it was ‘holy shit’ I forget which now but you get my point. Giles needs to brush up on his research skills, or maybe this one was down to Xander not reading the small print again. Either way our little pointy sticks and enchanted swords didn’t feel like much protection against this mother, who despite his size still felt the need to have un-dead minions protecting him. Go figure.

Well this was no time to get all wiggy and Army Boy over it. I looked over at B, she had the same startled expression in her eyes, one I’ve seen before when she realises how much her new shoes are actually gonna cost her. 

“You ready for this B?”

Without hesitation she answered. 

“What is it you say Faith? Bring it on?”

She had this sly smile, real sexy and my stomach flipped over like a thousand times. I was speechless. Damn it Faith, this is no time to lose your slayer edge! I just laughed, ‘cause there was nothing else my brain would let me do right then. And like we always do without needing some lame “count to three and move on three” thing, both of us crashed the un-dead party together.

Two slayers fighting side-by-side, good times were had right?

For a while there it was solid. The vamps were well trained had to give ‘em that. Demon guy obviously hadn’t picked the home-grown variety they had some brains about them, and plenty of brawn. We were ganged up on six to one I think I counted. But nothing new there though, should have been able to handle that. Roundhouse kick, elbow block, then sweep in for an uppercut, stake and we’re through. That’s how it goes usually and for a while there the other night it played right out of one of Giles’ textbooks. The vamps job was to keep us away from the demon and they were doing a fine job of it so far. But then me and B got chance to re-group. I gave her my sword and told her to go forth and slay herself something big for supper, I’d keep Lestat and the boys busy while she did it. And just ‘cause it’s the kinda thing I say I added “if you think you can handle a big one B?” Pretty lame yeah, but it got B fired up that bit more ‘cause she’s so easy to bait sometimes, and she needed the edge. Didn’t catch her response though which was probably just as well. We were being cornered in again by the three vamps that were left, so to give B her hall pass to the demon over in the corner I just flew across the room at them, trying to take as many down as I could. 

And here is where it all starts to go bad for Team Slayer. More importantly here is where it all starts to go bad for me. See I’m acting all tough and cool, I can handle three stronger than your average vampires by myself no worries. Just let me get my stake ready and…

…WHACK! Something connected with the back of my head. All of a sudden I was flying slayer. The only thing stopping this bird from spreading her wings any further was the brick wall I slammed into. 

OUCH…or a better description of what was screaming inside my head would be AHHH FUCK. I tried to stand up, re-focus, see what the hell happened to me and who I was gonna dust first for doing it. But suddenly my legs don’t want to work and I’m clutching at the wall behind me just so I don't keel over. There’s this fog in my head too. Don’t know where it came from but it’s making everything blurry and I can only half make out that there is a vamp coming towards me, he has this big thing in his hands. Looks like a steal girder or something. Well at least that explains why one blow to the Slayer head knocked Slayer Sense out of me. Told you these vamps were packing some un-dead muscle. So if there is one vamp aiming for me and let’s face it I could have been wrong here my vision was in and out like channel hopping on cable, where were the other two? More importantly where were B and the other two?

And then it don’t matter how bad I feel. How my head feels like it’s just been speared straight down the middle, only some of the metal broke off and it’s banging against my forehead each time I try and move. I have to find B. I have to help B. My vamp was closing in on me. I’m lucky there was still some latent Slayer Strength in me ‘cause I managed a few good knee jerks in his groin to knock him off course, reaching for my spare stake in my jacket pocket as I did. What followed I’m sorry to say, was the lamest staking I have ever taken part in, but the end result was the same and right then I wasn’t thinking about a perfect score in the Staking Olympics, you know? Just as I get my damn stake out my pocket and pointing the right way I felt myself launched through the air again, only this time I had a vamp making me airborne. He didn’t take too kindly to being kicked in the family jewels I guess. Least when I landed this time it was on the marginally softer concrete floor and I managed, fuck knows how, to not crack my head against it. Also with the luck on a second front, my vamp had impaled himself on the stake in my hand when he landed on top of me and I got a face full of dust instead of a snarling set of teeth. Phew, that was fortunate right?

You don’t need to be a freakin' Einstein to figure out things weren’t going so well for the Chosen Two this half of the game. I’m on the floor. I want to get up. I want to get up and fight, ‘cause hell it’s what I do! It’s what I see B doing over in the corner, least I think it’s B and I think she’s fighting. My vision is doing its fade to black thing again. And I realise that I’m not getting out of this without help. I could just lay there and wait for B to slay Giles’ ‘nothing too serious’ demon, but what’s to say when she let the dust settle around her she wouldn’t find me with my neck ripped out? Or worse? It wasn’t the thought of dying that got me on my knees despite the pain in my head. It wasn’t the thought of being some scumbag vamp’s next meal that got me to my feet without blacking out again. It was the thought of B finding me after it was over. Finding me and blaming herself, just like she did when that Kendra chick died and she wasn’t there to stop it from happening. And you know what else got my beaten ass up and over to where B was? The thought that I might die without telling her what she means to me. 

Can you believe that? I actually thought with my heart for once. Yeah, shocked the fuck out of me too. 

We got out of there alive of course. Once I got over to B and she could see how the odds were so not in our favour anymore, there was never any question about staying till the bitter end. If it had been an apocalypse kinda deal, and the weight of the world was on our shoulders instead of just our manic little corner of it, then I might not be here now writing this. But it was just a demon. Okay a demon Giles and the Scoobies underestimated and don’t think for a minute me and B have let them get away with that, but just a demon all the same. So we made like a regular couple of gals and got the fuck out of there. 

And I’d like to say that was it. I’d like to say that the one time I actually listened to my heart where B is concerned is what has got me all riled up. Riding the roller coaster of emotion again like some kid in a theme park rides the Big Dipper till it makes them sick.

But I can’t say that. 

I can’t say that ‘cause it was after we’d stopped running and made it all the way back to her house, that has got me this screwed up again. It was walking her up to the front door, her turning towards me about to say something that’s made the world of Faith all whacked again. It was seeing her face as I bleached white and stumbled forward ‘cause the pain in my head just hit a home run and I couldn’t stand anymore, that’s made it impossible for me to go a minute without thinking about her. It was feeling her hands holding onto me, pulling me into her body and falling with me to the ground. It was the tears in her eyes spilling over as she yelled for her mom inside to “come quick, Faith’s hurt!” It was the last thing I heard her say before the fog came back and took over completely inside my head, that has made me realise that I’m not going to get over this thing with B. It’s never going to go away. 

As I lay there in her arms I heard her whisper…

…“Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me.”

I couldn’t leave you B. Not even if I tried.

Five by five…if only.


	7. Chapter 7

August 2000

Okay so I’m just gonna say it. Just so we’re clear. So there is no confusion when we do a head count to check who’s on the bus home. 

I’m in love with the Slayer.

LOVE.

Yeah you heard me right. 

I’m in love with her. 

That’s it. That’s all I wanted to say.

Just wanted to clear that up.

Five by…fuck it. 

 

August 2000

Well I’m back on full Slayer duty. Been kinda slack lately ‘cause of the whack to my head and the whack to my heart when B held me so close. Got too much to be around her for a while there. Not ready for the Slay-and-Show down at Sunny Memorial with her in those tight pants she wears, babbling on the way she does. I guess you could say I pulled a sicky. Even rang in my excuse to Giles at the Magic Box so I wouldn’t have to face her and the rest of the Scoobies. They’re concerned for me now, but not in the wiggy ‘Faith has gone mental again’ way like before. I mean they got genuinely concerned over my health and that was a trip I sure as shit couldn’t deal with a week ago. Little Dawnie even made me a get-well card that I found shoved through my door one morning when I woke up. It has this cute chick in black with a stake in her hand on the front of it. I think it’s meant to be a drawing of me. 

What is it with the Summers’ girls’ ability to make me smile?

So I could be all dark and brooding Faith, hanging around Sunnydale's answer to the Bates Motel and only going out for a fresh carton of OJ and some Taco’s, or I could get five-by-five again and work off some of this excess grrr down at Vamp Central. Plus there’s still that pesky demon hanging around and boy do I owe him a world of pain for what happened to me last week. Yeah, time for me to deal I figured so I called round for B earlier this evening to see if she wanted to come out and play. Even brought extra stakes along with me as I was in need of a good workout. And I think I hid my disappointment well when Mrs S came to the door and told me the Slayer had gone out with Army Boy for the night. 

I was something like, “Oh sure, that’s cool. Whatever, Mrs S. Check you later.” 

You know, not using words with more than one syllable in them so she thinks that I’m more of a dumb ass than Xander. Gotta give the lady credit though, she asked me how I was doing and offered me some tea. Not that I would have taken her up on it but it was, you know, sweet of her to ask. Wouldn’t have expected that much from her a while back, it kinda threw me. Or maybe it was the rage I began to feel inside when she told me B had thought it was far more important to play at cheerleader with her jock boyfriend rather than rid this town of some of the less than friendly things that come out at night. Slayer duty seems to lose its importance when it comes to getting smoochies as Red calls it. 

Fine then. I’ll go slay on my own I thought and tried not to storm off the Summers’ front porch, like some spoilt kid who’s just been told they can’t have their ball back to play with.

And besides being on my own has always been the deal right? Hell before I came here I was dusting my own clothes down after slaying and never needed anyone to hold my hand at night. What should be so different now? Do me some good I thought as I made my way to the cemetery To get all Lone Ranger on some demon’s ass for awhile. Let B have a life. I’ll stake enough vamps for the both of us.

Thing is, I remember now why I’d gotten used to having her around when I’m staking out the tombstones, waiting for the next chump to rise. Slayer time is lonely time when you don’t actually have an e.t.a on your next vamp’s arrival. And after all the me-time I’ve been clocking lately, a night ahead of me with only the voices I have in my head keeping the conversation going was not a pleasant situation to be in. At least when she was with me I could sneak looks at her and rag on her for never taking a breath in between sentences. 

Having her around always silences the dark thoughts I get inside somewhere, and I know it’s a raw deal really, ‘cause even though she silences those thoughts she brings on a whole heap of other ones. Not quite as dark but just as hopeless. They start with me noticing her ass when she vaults into action and leaves me breathless at the sight. Then they move up a notch when she laughs at one of my jokes when it’s gone quiet again, and I turn into Entertaining-Buffy-Faith, catch her act, she’s here all week. The worst thoughts of all are when I catch her watching me. When I think I see a look in her eyes that I remember seeing a long time ago in a different face, but a face that held feelings for me all the same. And sometimes I know I catch the same look in her eyes, or is that just me being all hopeful and optimistic like Red, or even like B is most of the time? Oh who the fuck cares anyway? She was out with that bastard and I was kicking the dirt around my feet alone in the cemetery. 

Bet Xena never had this trouble. 

Just when I’m gonna give up for the night and swing by the Magic Box to pound the walls in the training room to get rid of this buzzing in my muscles I get luck and two vamps rise right before me. Cool, synchronise your watches or what? I smile at them. My “I’m gonna have fun dusting your skanky butts” smile and I walk over to them. I feel the need for some serious wailing here. After all, B hasn’t been here to bring me some light to the darkness inside, so I’m all with the Bad Slayer rep I only bring out when I’m on my own. 

“Hello boys.”

I’ve surprised them. Guess they didn’t expect a welcoming party of one hot chick who looks like she is having the world’s worse case of PMS.

“Who are you?” The lanky one, in some lame suit his mom probably had waiting for him for his high school graduation, looked at me as if I were the one with fangs and some wicked creases on my forehead. 

“Tell me boys, are you the religious type?” 

They both looked at each other. Man vamps look so stupid when they’re confused. 

“Cause you are about to feel some Faith!” 

I kicked out with my right leg and straight away the lanky one went down. The bigger vamp, but not by much, was startled for like a minute and I punched him in the face, his nose exploding on my fist as I did it. 

“Eweggh gross!” 

I kneed him in the stomach and then brought my leg up to his jaw. CRUNCH! I heard his vamp teeth break off, that’s gotta hurt I smirked to myself. He was down and out of it for now and I returned my gaze to the other one. Just in time to see his skanky lanky ass hot-footing it out of there. Man one thing I hate is a cowardly vampire. I dropped down to one knee beside the vamp who’s face was looking more like one of those weird mangled portraits I remember seeing once on a school trip to the Museum of Modern Art back in Boston. 

“Hey you don’t look so good.” I punched him in the chest this time, loosening the ribs in there and he wheezed out a big glob of spit and blood from his broken jaw.

“Now do you see what happens when you don’t brush your teeth properly?” 

Another hard punch across his face and I dislodged an eye. Okay so I think I’ve freaked myself out now I remember thinking. I’m wailing a little too hard when she would've probably staked this guy and moved on. Thinking of that brought B back into my mind and that rage I felt at her house earlier on when she wasn’t there came flooding back. Suddenly the vamp on the floor, blood gushing everywhere but still no closer to being dust, is not a vamp at all but it’s Army Boy. And I’m not letting the blows stop. I’m not holding the punches back. I’m thinking of how he holds her, touches her and kisses her. How he gets to have happy B when I get the Slayer-Powered version, who always has some Big Bad on her mind when we go out at night looking for a fight. My hands have started to bruise on the bones that are poking out of this dead guy’s flesh and I’m covered in blood. This is going to be a bitch to get out, leather costs so much to get it cleaned. One final outburst when I thought again of how Army Boy called me a whore in the Magic Box and didn’t know I was up on the top landing getting a book for Giles, hearing every word he said drip with loathing. And that was it. There wasn’t much left to turn to dust of the vampire that had been in the wrong place at the wrong time. I staked him and I watched him go. The ground beneath him was a deep red colour, the dust making swirly patterns a shrink would have a field day asking me what I saw in them. 

I got up. I remember wiping the blood off my hands on a nearby tombstone. When I got back here it took me ten minutes to wash that blood off properly.

Yeah definitely on full Slayer Duty I reckon. 

Issues Giles? No I don't think I have any issues to deal with. 

Everything is... 

...Five by five

 

August 2000

Okay so something weird happened today. And I know that shouldn’t come as a big woo-hoo surprise considering I live on a Hellmouth, home to the weird and not-so-wonderful, but what happened today freaked me out as much as any of the weird wiggy shit I’ve seen as a Slayer. 

I’m at the Magic Box. Wanted to tell Giles about patrol last night, though of course omit any actual details of how the slay went down. Giles always gets that concerned look when me and B have wailed a little too...what’s that word he used? Vehemently! Yeah that’s it, he goes all furrowed brow and starts polishing his glasses, saying “maybe you shouldn’t have wailed so vehemently.” Well maybe he doesn’t say wailed, another long word probably. One that I still have to look up in a goddamn dictionary to find out what the fuck he is talking about. And as I didn’t have my pocket dictionary on me today, or even own one in the first place, I gave Giles the NC-12 rating of last night’s slay. And then before he could zone in on the bruises on my hand that were only beginning to fade, I asked him about news on the demon front to you know, distract him. And suddenly it’s like “Oh Anya needs some help, do excuse me Faith.” Ha! So that would be a no then? Giles batting zero for once, psyche! I know I shouldn’t be all with the woo-hoo here but fuck it man, if Giles can’t come up with the goods every once and awhile there’s hope for the rest of us. 

I smiled at his obvious discomfort for coming up empty again and swung through to the training room. Even if I did spend the best part of last night kicking the dead shit out of that vamp’s ass, my body was still all tingling and my muscles were grrr all over again every time I thought of B out with Army Boy. Best cure I know for that when the sun is up and most of the Big Bad is asleep - Slayer Training. You don’t get that cool feeling of bones breaking beneath your fist. Or get to see a vamp turn to dust and get that I don’t know, good feeling inside like B says, but it does work off the tension and today I had a lot of tension to work off. 

Now I’ve already said that Slayer Sense is like super sense. It ain’t no Superman deal with bionic hearing or whatever, but it’s better than your average person you know? So I should have known that whilst I was ragging on the punch bag, I mean really kicking and throwing my weight behind every punch I delivered, I wasn’t alone in the training room. I should have had the Slayer Tingle at least. I guess I was zoned out but this time it wasn’t some peaceful fluffy Ti-Chi place I was at, but that dark place inside me which dusted that vamp last night wishing it was Army Boy. I finished with a roundhouse kick to the bag and I swear it almost came off from the ceiling when I did. That’s when I realised I wasn’t alone.

“I think you killed it.”

My head snapped around so quickly if I didn’t have Slayer Strength I know I’d have a mean case of whiplash round about now. I did get a face full of sweaty tangled hair that stung my eyes for a second when it hit them wide open like. Then that feeling inside started, just like it always does when I see her, and I felt my body heat up, my heart hammering a little in my chest. I told myself it was down to the workout, purely aerobic. Yeah right. She was smiling at me, smirking a little at her own little joke and it just looked so cute. I was helpless to do anything other than stare at her. I tried to come up with something cool to say in return. One of my trademark comebacks that makes her roll her eyes at me, but I was like some schmuck on a first date, all stuttery and shy. Hey I was T-T-Tara again! Oh bloody hell, as Spike would say. 

She was just inside the doorway to the room. I don’t know how long she’d been standing there. Standing there watching me like I stand and watch her sometimes when she’s working up a sweat. Okay so I don’t really think B was imagining ways to get me naked on the floor in the shortest time possible, so maybe it wasn’t like when I watch her but you know, a slayer can dream. 

“Mom said you stopped by last night.”

Okay so we’re going with something that’s gonna get me all riled up again. I managed to look away from her, just in case that green eyed monster was gonna make an appearance when I replied. 

“Yeah, nothing special though B. Just Slayer time, you know?”

When I looked back to her I could have sworn I saw a flash of disappointment in her eyes. Like maybe she thought I’d come around for a different reason, a non-slaying reason. Okay, we’re getting weird. And there’s this tension in the air like there has been lately between me and her. Like we both have stuff to say but neither of us are gonna say it. 

“Oh.” 

Good response there B, that’s gonna help de-tense the room. Is that even a word? Fuck it, don’t matter anyhow. 

Time to act casual Faith. Time to be the usual me and not let on how my heart was pounding at the sight of her. Not let my face break out into the kinda smile that aches your jaw ‘cause it just won’t go wide enough. 

“So did you and Arm...err did you have a nice time last night?” Ooops, that was close. I can’t bring myself to say his name any more, can’t even write it down in here let alone say it.

She looks at me and she looks as though she’s warring with herself to tell me something. Something deep, or important or I don’t know, something she probably thinks she shouldn’t be saying to Faith, ‘cause well I’m just Slayer Faith. Good for the fighting but not for the girl talk. Besides she’s got Red for that, right?

Wrong.

“To tell you the truth Faith.” 

Man I love it when she says my name. Makes me smile. 

“I would rather have been with you.”

And she smiles when she says it. It’s a mixed kinda smile, like she knows she shouldn’t be wishing that in the first place. ‘Cause like Army Boy is her honey, and honey time is supposed to not be about wishing you were with someone else, but still she was smiling at me. And I’m like on total heat wave alert in my body. Plus my mind has gotten in on the act so it’s all zooming around with the thoughts in there again. Made me dizzy when I started to think too much about what she just said, why she said it. It was like a fucking tornado in there. I went and sat down on the bench. I might have pulled off a casual stroll, I-need-to-take-the-weight-off type of walk over there I don’t know. I just know when she decided to take this as her invitation to come sit next to me it only made things worse in my head. 

“Oh.” Now it was my turn to say the world’s shortest sentence. 

I threw her a half-smile. I didn’t know what else to say. Well that’s not quite true, what I wanted to do was ask her why she’d just said that? Why were things in the land of Buffy not okay on the honey front? Had she ever thought about swapping sides? Playing for the other team maybe? Say B, want to grab a movie and perhaps dinner sometime? 

Okay my thoughts were running away on me again, dinner and a movie, like that would work.

She’s feeling the tension too now. I could tell ‘cause when I lent down to the floor for my water bottle our arms brushed together and I felt her pull away from me. Like all the times I’ve had to do the same thing with her, ‘cause feeling our bodies touch just gives my skin too much sensory input, and I have to pull away or else I feel like I’m gonna spontaneously combust just by touching her. 

And there’s two ways I know this none-conversation with B can go. I can break a habit of a lifetime and actually ask her something personal, or I can just sit and stay silent like always and wait for her to break into her speed-talking shit. When maybe one sentence I’ll catch in full and only half of what she says will make sense. And I’m just about to go with the latter. I see her out of the corner of my eye gearing her breath up for her opening statement, I know it won’t be long before she starts. When some hidden part of me, the part that doesn’t worry about saying the wrong thing and freaking her out. The part that is sick of it all being one-sided roller coaster jonesing for the Slayer. The part that actually has a pair on her and isn’t afraid of using them, came out with…

…“Yeah, I’d rather you’d been with me too B.”

If that ain’t the weirdest thing to happen to me since I’ve been here in Sunnyhell, I don’t know what is.

Five by five


	8. Chapter 8

August 2000

Yeah like I need this right now! 

I SO do not need this right now! 

I’m doing fine, I’m dealing. Okay I love the Slayer and I’m beginning to think she feels something for me. Not the something. Not what I feel. But I’m at least getting the hint that Army Boy doesn’t do it for her anymore and she thinks time alone with me, in a non-slaying capacity is a good thing. But I do not need this right now.

She’s in my motel room. 

She’s in here taking a shower.

My god. She’s all wet and naked and I’m wasting time writing it all down in fucking ink just so I don’t forget this moment actually happened.

Again with the not needing this to be happening right now. 

My leathers are getting uncomfortable. Man I hate it when that happens. 

So the deal is we’re out on patrol. But not normal patrol ‘cause nothing about tonight has been in the land of normal for me so far. Looks like it ain’t gonna change anytime soon either. I was at her house this evening for dinner. Get me! Actually used a knife and fork for once and didn’t have to open a cardboard carton to eat. It was her idea. Well she came with the invite all casual and nonplussed. She was like ‘Mom wondered if you’d like to come for dinner before patrol tonight.’ But when I get there this evening, scuffing my boots on the back of each leg and wondering if I should have hocked some flowers from next door’s garden to give to Mrs. S, Buffy’s mom was all with ‘Oh Faith, and Buffy didn’t think you’d come if she asked you.’

Ha, psyche much!

It was nice too. I’m getting to enjoy family time at the Summers’ house way too much. Not like back in Boston in my house. Not like when my mom, with one of her loser boyfriends, would order out for Chinese then get too stoned to pay the guy when it got delivered. Not like that at all. Dawnie was all with embarrassing B every chance she got. Like ‘and this one time we went to Disneyland with Dad, and Buffy made us ride the teacups so much she barfed all over Pluto.’ Ha B’s face. Man I wish I had my camera with me. Okay I wished I owned a camera period, but you know, Kodak moment.

And B keeps sliding me these glances. Like she was making sure it was okay for me to be there, it wasn’t wigging me out. It was wigging me out but not in the way the Slayer was imagining. I didn’t mind having to act polite in front of Mrs S. Turns out I can do polite after all. Maybe that came as a bonus with the handy Slayer Strength package? I didn’t even mind that Mrs. S asked me all those awkward parent questions when she brought out dessert. You know the kind. 

“So what do you want to do when you leave college Faith?” 

Only not the college bit. And her questioning was severely hampered by B giving her the evil you’re my mom so I love you, but for god’s sake shut up! look. 

I didn’t mind any of this. What was wigging me out is what always wigs me out when I’m with the Slayer. Her. Everything about her. The smell of her hair. The clothes she wears. The way those tops with the plunging neckline like she was wearing tonight only leave just enough to my imagination. But it’s always the best part of just enough to my imagination, you know? And I have to remind myself to breathe when she leans over in one of those tops, ‘cause my body suddenly has other things on its mind. 

“Want some more Ben and Jerry’s Faith?” 

WHAM! 

Eyeful of Buffy Cleavage. 

Breathe! God damn it Faith girl, breathe!

“I’m good thanks.”

Sure I’m red, flustered, very aware of the heat in my leathers and Dawnie looking at me weird, ‘cause I’m squirming slightly in my chair and she is sat right next to me, but I’m good thanks? Yeh, right. 

Time out Summers’ chicks please! I can deal when I’m on my own with B. Okay deal is an exaggeration but I get by when it’s just the two of us. The whole goddamn family there as well, tuning in to my face all flushed? I don’t think so. 

“Time for patrol B, you ready?”

Phew.

Busy night too. Not much chance to let her do the 100 metre dash with her mouth like usual. Or for the silences to stretch out between us ‘cause of what we both said in the Magic Box the other day making it impossible for us to say anything else. We’ve got vamps a-rising and demons a-coming from every angle. Something’s up, a slayer knows these things. Well couldn’t think about the whys and whats earlier on, we just had to kill the fuckers then we could worry about what they were here for afterwards. I like that approach anyway. Slay first ask questions later. Makes things simple you know? Least with all the action my mind had chance to re-group over the whole B inviting me to dinner thing. Yeah, all this Big Bad can only be a good thing I was thinking to myself. 

How wrong was I?

We tracked this one really mean, slime trailing ugly mother to the docks. Seemed like such a good idea at the time. I even thought to myself that if we called it a night after this one I was close to home-sweet-dive, and my mind wouldn’t get chance to go all tornado in my head again dropping B off at her place. It’s getting harder and harder to just say goodbye to her at the end of patrol, you know? I wanna grab her and hold her and never let go each time she turns around in her doorway and says ‘night then Faith, sweet dreams.’

If she only knew the kinda dreams I’ve been having lately! They ain’t so sweet but they’re sure full of honey, the kind that comes dripping down slayer thighs...jeez Faith! This is so not helping right now! She’s still in there in the shower for fuck sakes! 

B is naked. 

She is in the next room to me naked in the shower, and I'm doing dear diary shit? Man I've never been this restrained before, talk about turning over a new leaf, I've turned the whole fucking tree over. 

Okay, focus girl. 

So we’ve got this demon cornered at the end of the docks. We both eyeball him, ugly fuck did I mention that? Don’t know what the fuck he is, just know he oozes puss very easily and it was either the stench from the sea or him that was making me gag every time the wind blew my way. Major League gross in other words. B can smell it too, I looked over at her and she was doing that wrinkle thing with her nose, and you know what? I still thought it looked cute and was blown away for like a second, or a minute, or something long enough for her to dive first for this demon, getting a full on body coating of that yuk as she did. She ain’t gonna appreciate that. And I couldn’t hide my smirk when I watched her wailing into this fucker while all the time looking completely grossed out to be even touching him. And she’s moaning at him whilst she’s pummelling away. 

“Hey this was by best slaying sweater!” 

Shit like that. I thought she was going to demand he pay the cleaning bill after all this was over. And also, B has a favourite slaying sweater? That girl has way too many clothes man. 

Anyways I could have just let her handle him, she was five-by-five, and like I wanted all that slimy shit on my clothes too? But then the bastard got a lucky swing at B and sent her sprawling to the floor. 

Hey! That’s my B you’re hurting there! 

I thought it, didn’t say it though. Managed to stop on Hey! thank fuck, and I flying-kicked him in the face. Then I’m down on the floor too, ‘cause in my anger, in my rage at anyone hurting B, I kicked without planning my next move and when dumb shit like that happens, chances are you’re gonna end up on your ass. And if God were at all on my side he would have made me land somewhere B couldn’t see my lame ass attempt at an attack. Instead I have to fall right next to her. She looked at me all puzzled, like she was thinking why’s Faith on the floor? Or probably that was the lamest move I ever saw Faith do. Way to keep your cool there Faith. Dumbass. So I had to distract her or something, so I wouldn’t feel like such a schmuck again, and I spotted the perfect thing. There were all these huge steel rod things laying about, perfect for slaying with if you catch my drift. I handed B one, picked one up myself and did that flip thing with my legs so I was standing upright again. 

“We gonna kill this fucker or what?”

I was so over spending time with B at this point. Slayer time, non-Slayer time, I just can’t win lately. I always manage to do something un-Faith like and things go all screwy between us for a little while. 

“Sure, thought you’d never ask.”

No, don’t do that sexy smile, please. Not the smile that curves up slightly at the edges of a mouth that becomes very hard to not think about kissing. Lips that look so soft, that hint at the pleasure that can be found in them when they curl the way they do in that sexy smile. Please B, just any smile other than that one. Okay?

But of course, she did it anyway. She always does it when I ask her if she wants to kill something nasty, and as usual I’m struck dumb at the image. I have to start getting over that. It's going to get my ass killed one of these days if I don’t. She beat me to the demon again and pounded him with the steel rod I gave her. He was quick to go too once he had the Slayer on his case. I didn’t even get chance to get a few good kicks in to his head, ‘cause B whacked him and he went down, then she speared that rod straight through what I want to call his heart, but I’m guessing that’s a term that doesn’t apply to demons, so straight through the middle of him will have to do. 

And that’s why she is back here at my motel, in my shower, using my minty shower gel and soaping herself all over with it...FAITH STOP IT!

She’s back here ‘cause when she killed that demon, all that puss and slime she’d already got a nice thick coating in over her clothes exploded out of him and all over the Slayer. Missed me ‘cause I was still hanging back, the whole acting like a complete dork seeming like a good option now I see B covered in this green gooey crap. I managed to control the howls of laughter, okay I didn’t but I thought about not laughing at her, really. She just looked so un-Slayer like when she turned around. All grumpy and wigged out at the shit that was all over her. What was I supposed to do? Tell her she suited the colour? Sorry, hysterics ensued. At least they did until she went...

...“Well I’ll just have to come back to yours Faith and get cleaned up. You’ve got a shower right?”

My rational aware-of-the-ways-of-the-world-and-how-that-world-works-in-terms-of-B-and-me mind was saying she only said that because anyone who’s just been drenched in demon shit would want to get it off ASAP. But there was the other part of my mind, the part that’s still thinking now about her in there all hot and wet. Wet and hot. You know just a load of wet hot slayer in my shower. That part of me swears B asked to come back to mine so she could wipe that smug look off my face and see how I’d react to her being here. 

Yeh I’m running with the thought now that maybe something is going on inside B’s head that doesn’t involve Army Boy or any of the Big Bad we face. Doesn’t involve her friends or little Dawnie or her mom. It’s something that just involves us, me and her. And she’s back here taking a shower in my motel room ‘cause maybe she is running with that thought too. 

Five by five? I’ll let you know later.


	9. Chapter 9

August 2000

She’s just left. And I’m far from five-by-five. My skin is on fire and my legs are shaking. My throat’s all tight and there’s some weird shit going on with my eyes. They’re stinging. I so know what that stinging is and it ain’t gonna happen man. It’s not going to happen, do you hear me?

I’m up and down pacing the room, you know when she was in the bathroom. I couldn’t lie on my bed anymore all heated up in my leathers. ‘Cause me on a bed with B only a few feet away clean and smelling all fresh from the shower would have just ripped every last shred of restraint from me you know? I couldn’t have just laid there and not done something or said something. I mean I have what I want naked in my shower and I managed to control the urge to burst in and do stuff with her. Stuff that I’ve fantasised about since the summer. Stuff involving our lips crashing together, her breasts underneath my hands, my mouth going to her neck and starting a series of slow deep kisses on her collar bone…you know that kinda stuff. I managed to control that urge, fuck knows how. I didn’t think I’d control it any longer if I stayed on the bed, her wrapped in one of the motel towels, hair wet, body all hot from the shower…this is not helping much you know Faith?

So I paced. Kicked a few empty pizza cartons under my bed. Dropped a few beer cans in the trash and tried to do something with the heap of clothes on my floor but in the end thought fuck it! Slayer has already seen I’m a pig when she first came in here, why try and impress her now? And I’m just on my millionth lap of walking around my room. My leathers only a fraction cooler, my pulse not anywhere near the normal rate. And my head tucked down so I’m not staring at the same fucking walls I always stare at driving me insane, when she comes out of the bathroom, wrapped in that towel I knew she’d be in and goes…

“Faith, you got some clothe...oomph!” 

She didn’t get to finish ‘cause I walked straight into her!

Not good Faith. So not good! Don’t need to be pressed up against a damp towel that’s wrapped around a naked Slayer. Don’t need to be grabbing her arms to steady the both of us. Don’t need to be not letting those arms go either. Let them go Faith! I’m screaming at myself. Let them go if you don’t want to follow through with what your heart is hammering in your chest…kiss her…kiss B…tell her…tell her everything.

NO FUCKING WAY! 

Remember I said I didn’t want my heart to be ripped out?

I jumped back from her like she was a live wire and just given me one mother of an electric shock. Come to think of it that ain’t far from the truth. My skin is still buzzing from Slayer contact now. 

“Jeez B, you could have knocked or something?”

Okay dumb thing to say. You usually knock going into a bathroom not the other way around.

She’s got this weird expression on her face. Half smile, half grrr, and half something I’m trying not to let my mind think was desire. I know that’s too many halves but fuck, who’s counting?

“Sorry, I wasn’t aware pacing up and down your room was a private moment.”

Pacing? How’d she know? Another dumb thing I did tonight my boots can be heard a mile off when I’m walking light. I was freakin' stomping the tension out in my room tonight. 

“I…well…I…you know I might have been naked or something?”

Wish I could tell you I didn’t really say that and actually came out with some wicked funny line to wipe that look off her face and turn the tables so she was Stuttery Slayer not me. But I did actually sound like T-T-Tara’s pissed off twin or something. Things can’t get any worse, right?

When I said what I did, and I did sound pissed off a little too much, but you know naked Slayer contact not a good thing when I’m a ball of fire already. Well when I said it B went all hurt pouty face on me. How she has so many expressions she looks cute using I don’t know? I’ve just got the standard five I’m sure of it. Faith pissed off. Faith mad as hell. Faith gonna kick your ass. Faith woo-hoo happy. And the one no one sees but me if I look in the mirror. Faith loving the blonde girl called Buffy. And I’m goddamn certain I’m not using that one tonight. Still I didn’t want Faith pissed off showing up either, ‘cause B looked pouty already. And suddenly that tension between me and her has dropped in the air again. Making it all thick and difficult to breathe in. Or maybe that was down to B still wrapped in that towel. Right, gotta get her out of that towel, and I’m sad to report it wasn’t in the way I wanted to get her out of the towel believe me. She’d started to shiver a little too. Didn't think it was that cold in my room but it was enough for me to notice her shake and get my mind working again. 

“Clothes right? You need some clothes.” Like I was telling her something she didn’t know already.

“What?” Okay so maybe I did tell her something she didn’t know already. 

“Huh?” I look at her again and the pouty face has gone and now...now there’s some other look there. Some look I can’t quite read ‘cause my mind is doing the tornado thing again and I really need to get B dressed before it’s too late, and the whirlwind inside drops a big old house on the two of us in the shape of my body pressed real tight against hers. 

It didn’t take me long to find her something. It’s not like I have an extensive wardrobe or anything. And there really was only one colour to choose from. She gets a little too close as I’m looking through the closet, you know, over my shoulder kinda deal, and suddenly the B I know has returned, ‘cause in her deadpan voice she goes...

“Jeez Faith, got anything in technicolor in there?”

I gave her my full on sarcastic smile and replied.

“Well I went by the store for a pastel sweater but they told me a Buffy Summers cleaned them right out before I got there.”

That’s what Giles would call touché B.

Her eyebrows knitted together and I’m thinking B has lost her sense of humour all of a sudden. Then she smirks at me. Her that-was-funny smirk. And her voice is all low and treacly when she speaks. It kinda wrapped around me and swallowed me whole.

“Well I guess I could do with a little black number. You got a little black dress in there Faith?”

WHAT? Did B really just say that? Yep she said it all right. I replayed it instantly in my mind and I’m still hearing the way her words dripped like honey from her mouth now. 

So this was where I came back with something sly and witty yeah? Some slutty remark to throw her off-beam again. Something that was flirty and double-entendre’d. 

I went with...

“No, actually I don’t.” 

Can you believe that? I don’t have a little black dress in my closet. It’s about the one item in black I don’t have, but I could have lied! Hello, lame here? Why the fuck didn’t I just lie to her? It wouldn’t have been a big lie anyway and she would have probably pulled me up on it straight away., You know kinda daring herself to ask to wear it and I would have been all ‘oh its at the dry cleaners.’ See I’m able to think of a lie now.

Shit.

So there’s not much she can say to that. ‘Oh’ falls from her lips, minus all the drippy treacle she spoke with before, and she moves away from me whilst I dig out an old pair of Levi’s and a tee for her. Welcome to awkward tension again. Thanks for that whichever fuckwit that made me say that in the first place, thanks a lot!

She got changed in the bathroom. Without a word she took the clothes in there and ten minutes later I heard this tapping and it was her knocking on the bathroom door. She can be such a cute spaz sometimes. Made me laugh at least and helped digest the tension in the air a bit. She looked kinda odd in my clothes. It’s always weird seeing someone else in your own clothes though. The tee was a bit too baggy for her. She has a good rack for sure but not much can compete with yours truly in that arena. And the Levi’s hung off her hips slightly. She has like the tiniest waist. Bet I could wrap my hands around it and get my fingers to touch behind her...okay stop running with that thought I told myself and shot up off the bed I hadn’t realised I’d collapsed on the minute she’d left the room. 

“Black suits you B.” Try and keep things together this time Faith girl. 

She looked down at herself, as if she was checking my statement out for herself. Like she didn’t believe me you know?

“Really you should wear it more often.” Okay testing the water now, seeing how far I can take things with her again. 

Again another self-appraisal, jeez is it so hard to compliment this girl? 

Finally she speaks. 

“Black is good. I mean I’ve got nothing against black. Like some of my closest friends wear it and there are some occasions when it’s you know, necessary as a fashion choice. Funerals for example, and er, something else not quite so depressing like memorial services. No wait that would still be depressing. Job interviews! I hear you should wear black for job interviews, unless that’s not wear black ‘cause you don't want to them to think you’re all weird and into Goth music. Not that wearing black is weird or means you’re into Goth music though, I didn’t mean that. Say what music do you listen to anyway Faith?”

Wow. I might have that written down wrong you know, it’s hard to catch all of a Buffy-Babble when she gets going, but man wow eh? Lucky that didn’t come with the Chosen One package deal. I’d hyperventilate if I spoke the way she does. 

I didn’t answer her ‘cause I figured she doesn’t really want to know, and she’s probably trying to figure out what got her started on that rant in the first place so she wouldn’t catch my reply anyway. Instead I go back to the bed, kinda sprawl myself out a bit and just watch her. The air is clear between us again and I like this time with her when we’re okay, five-by-five with each other and nothing either of us says can fuck it up. But just ‘cause I don’t fuck it up with words, doesn’t mean I can’t fuck it up some other way. 

It was when she caught me watching her. She was running her hands through her hair tying it back in a ponytail and I was thinking how I wanted to run my hands through her golden hair and pull her in for a kiss. It was when she caught me off guard by looking back at me too quickly and I was a second too slow to wipe that want from my eyes. The desire for her that’s growing every single day I see her. It was when I realised it was too late to hide that look from her and I decided to let it settle on my face completely, that I fucked things up between us. 

“Jeez, is that the time? Would you look at that. Way past my bedtime Faith. Mom will be worried and I promised I’d read Dawn a bedtime story before she went to sleep. ‘Cause you know how teenagers like that these days. And well, big day tomorrow and everything. College, study, college again, more study. In fact lots of study for Buffy tomorrow, so best give my brain a chance to charge up for it. And you know beauty sleep also a factor. Don’t get up though, and thanks for the clothes. I’ll see myself out. See here’s the door already, I found it. Night then Faith, er sweet...well you know, don’t have nightmares. Bye.”

I get the point B. Couldn’t wait to leave me. Yeah, got that now. 

Five-by... fuck it.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there, just wanted to say a quick thank you to all who've read and left me kudos along the way, it's really great to know you're enjoying it. And a big thank you to Angoisse, Fussyiolet and Faithy for the comments! means a lot you took the time to say something to me. Sorry I'm not the quickest to update, but please stick with me for the long haul on this one, I'm hoping as we go you'll think it's worth it! M. x

August 2000

You have to go, you know. Nah let B and the Scoobies figure this one out. No just go, act all casual, ask after Dawnie. Yeah. No I’m not. I’m staying put and counting the cracks up there in the ceiling, I think they’re a few new ones. Best get them counted and catalogued and…if I start sounding more like Giles I’m gonna stick something really sharp in my eye. I’ll just go. Yeah and be all tight-lipped cool slayer. Let her do the rambling thing. Right, decision made…

…that was the argument I was having with myself for like an hour this morning. Should I stay or should I go? Like that Clash song only without the cool guitar. I mean on the one hand there was demon stuff afoot as Red likes to say, and I should really be there to help the other slayer give the low-down on last night’s stake and kill. You know be professional about it and I don’t know, conscientious or something. And on the other hand why shouldn’t I go and see her and make her feel all uncomfortable again? Let Bitch Faith back in for a while and knock that happy content life of hers sideways. ‘Cause you know what? Since I met the Slayer my own life has been anything but straightforward. And lately! Lately it’s been twisted out of control and balled up inside me and I’m starting to get sick of it. Getting sick of the pain now. ‘Cause it  _is_ painful to be in love. Don’t let any fucker tell you otherwise. The pain might lessen if you know the other person feels the same way about you but don’t kid yourself, it don’t lessen by much. I should know I’ve been here before. And remembering the way B shot off like a rocket or something else you don’t see for dust out of my room last night just made me realise how bad the pain has got inside me. How much it hurts to not have her. Hurts so much I keep expecting to look down at my chest and see it covered in blood.

Every time I see her man, and every time I think I catch something in those fucking emerald eyes of hers I feel my heart bleed that little bit more.

And here’s me not wanting my heart ripped out. Looks like B has found a way to do that anyway without even trying.

Eventually after I’d changed my mind like another twenty times or so I went to the Magic Box. And fuck it if it’s just Giles and that ex-demon chick. They’re acting all surprised to see me. How come when I try to do the right thing by everyone it’s still the wrong thing to do? Is no one ever gonna cut me a break? Well I should know the answer to that one by now. That would be a no Faith. You ask the dumbest questions sometimes girl.

So they were surprised to see me ‘cause little Miss Perfect Slayer had called round this morning before college, probably about the same time I was sat on my ass debating whether to get dressed today, and told them everything about last night. Well I bet she didn’t tell them everything you know. Yeah can just imagine B not going with the whole…'so we slayed this demon. Well I slayed and Faith just watched and then ‘cause I was such a gross mess I went back to Faith’s and got all naked in her shower. And then when I came out Faith was acting all freaky and weird so I, you know, left pretty darn quick I can tell you mister.’

Okay I don’t do ramble like B and I think I slipped into ex-demon chick there too but you get my point. She came in early to give Giles the skinny and then leave ASAP to avoid yours truly. Great! Fucking perfect in fact! I was grrr all over again and I didn’t even have a chance to work any of it off ‘cause Giles had me in front of a pile of books looking for the demon from last night. And I ain’t a fast reader but shit what else was there to do? Besides if I hung around at the Magic Box enough B might swing by, and I was suddenly feeling a rise in my bitch levels towards her now.

Bored much. I’d been at it for like ten minutes and I was so not concentrating. One demon looks pretty much the same as the next one to me, besides my mind was not on any demon this morning. It was wrapped up in its usual games tormenting me with images of B in my room last night. In the towel, out of the towel. The look in her eyes when I held her by the arms. The look on her face when she zoomed out of there like an express train. Oh yeah plenty of stuff going on in Faith’s head today, all bad. Well some not so bad, but I wasn’t letting my mind linger on those thoughts. I wanted to stay pissed off you know? I had a right to be pissed off. Well I thought I did. Jeez what did B think I was gonna do to her? Didn’t think the look on my face was all slutty and I’m-gonna-take-you-now-whether-you-like-it-or-not. I wouldn’t do that. Like  _never_ do that. Hey I might go a few rounds with her and pound her a little ‘cause the grrr in me sure wants to. And I might say some trademark bitch sayings if she acts all wigged out again, but I would never hurt her. Never.

See how I’m not getting much demon researching done?

I look over to Giles. Not exactly pleading or anything ‘cause at the end of the day I do what the fuck I want to do, but the guy’s been cool to me you know? So I kinda signal with my eyes ‘this ain’t working out’ and he smiled that resigned but happy smile of his and nodded towards the training room. Cool. Finally the guy is catching on with me. Excess grrr and everything, could do with a good workout. And if I got real lucky the Slayer might come along and I can pound her in a friendly little sparring match. Cool.

Time just flies sometimes, you ever noticed that? One minute I was all headachy and restless looking at Giles damn textbooks he got from fuck knows where, I mean where do you buy those kinda books? I’ve always wondered about that. Well I don’t suppose it matters as long as he tells me what I have to kill and how. So yeah one minute doing the bookworm thing failing miserably at it just like back in high school, and the next minute I’ve worked off more calories through the Slayer Strength Training Regime, if I worried about my weight I shouldn’t have to barf up my dinner till next Tuesday. Literally didn’t notice the shadows lengthening on the floor around the room as the day gave way to night. Way too busy working up a sweat and hitting anything there was there to hit. Kicking anything that could withstand it and vaulting on and off that hobby horse so much I could enter the Olympics with the routine, I got it down so good today. But you know what? When I finally eased up on the punch bag. When I finally eased up on myself and sat down on the bench pouring water over my face to cool me off. The first thought that came to my fucking mind was  _wonder what B’s doing now?_

Man, you can spend all your time wearing yourself out avoiding something and it will still be there at the end of the day waiting for you. Laying in wait like I’m its prey or something, and it wants me with my guard down so there is less chance I can fight back. Waiting with a truckload of pain and grrr all over again if I let it take hold of me. Well fuck this, I thought. Not going down that path this evening. I’m righting today off as a bad day from start to finish, swinging by the liquor store, or maybe even Willy’s dive to see if he as any of that paint stripper he calls bourbon behind the bar. And if I’m real lucky maybe, just maybe, that one thought I had just then of B will be all there is laying in wait for me when I finally crawl back to the motel.

Good call Faith. And that all might have worked out pretty much as I intended if it wasn’t for two things that were laying in wait for me outside the training room. The Magic Box was closed and I thought everyone had cleared out. I was wrong.

She was there. Standing in the near dark of the shop I almost missed her. Standing there looking lost. But when she saw me it wasn’t just B standing there I had to deal with, it was B standing there with that look in her eyes that makes it difficult for me to see straight. Makes my head go all express with the thoughts in there. Makes my heart hammer and my breath hitch in my throat each time I try to read what that look means.

Laying in wait all right, man I felt like I’d been ambushed.

“Hey.” Good start Faith.

“Hey.” Seems B didn’t know what to say either.

Silence. Of the deadly variety. Of the kind you wish you could break with explanations and declarations of what’s going on inside, but instead you just let the emptiness that’s there in the room deepen and the silence stretches out even further. I’m not gonna break it first. No-way man. This awkwardness is down to her, so she can bloody well fix it herself. Yeah take the higher ground Faith, ‘cause you so deserve to…asshole.

“I…you look…I mean…good workout?” Hey for once I’m not stumbling over my words, and damn it if seeing B stumble all over her words like that didn’t make me smile at her.

And for once here is where I don’t act all lame and high school prom on B. For once normal-Faith shows her face and it was nice having her around for a while.

“Oh you know B, doesn’t compete to a good  _slay_ .” I let my voice drop with that last line, I don’t mean slay, and I want her to know I don’t mean slay. Sick of pretending remember? Besides if she did the exit thing again like last night least then I might know for sure I freak her out when I do stuff like that.

But she’s not running. In fact she’s getting closer. My nerves have come alive again, and suddenly I wished I hadn’t said what I did. So much for Big Bad Faith having a way with the ladies, but hey good while it lasted.

“I know what you mean. I haven’t had a good slay in awhile.”

Whoa hold on there a minute, right? I mean this was Buffy Summers I was talking with wasn’t it? She looks like B when I try to take in what she just said and how she said it with that treacle and honey dripping from her mouth again. But you know, could have been B’s bad ass double in disguise or something, ‘cause it wasn’t like all my senses were in sync you know? My heart pounding in my ears was drowning out all other noise, and my vision was going a bit hazy too. Either from the aroma of the scent she was wearing that I could detect ‘cause she was getting pretty close to me now, or maybe it was this pulling I started to feel in my gut, and you know, a bit lower. Man when I get that feeling ‘cause of B, it’s a wonder I don’t go blind know what I’m saying?

She’s all close and looking at me. And I’m just stood there. Then it hits me, she ain’t running for the exit. I know, I don’t exactly catch on quick sometimes, but she threw me off-guard there with that slay comment. So I’m suddenly on a different track with the Slayer, one I’ve only toyed with up till now. The grrr in me has gone, left it behind the minute she walked in the Magic Box if truth be told, and now I’m in more familiar territory. It’s my home turf you might call it.

_Two can play at this game_ I think to myself and I can play it better than anyone else.

“Really?” Now it’s my voice dripping when I speak.

She’s blushing. I think she’s blushing. Maybe she’s just hot. It was warm in there. Oh hell that’s me that was hot, not the room. No I made her blush, is that a good thing? Don’t want to debate that now.

“So when was the last time you had a good slay then B?” Not that I really want to know ‘cause if she gives me dates and times of her and Army Boy I don’t think it’ll just be my flirty side that makes an appearance. But least I can tease her for a while, and I’ve found out today that pushing the envelope on this thing with me and B is more fun than I thought it could be.

Her breath hitches. I can see in her eyes she’s thinking how to respond to me. Hell she started this. Well she didn’t exactly start it but she kept it going you know? And now she was wondering whether she could go any further with it. Yeah I think I spooked the Slayer tonight in the Magic Box, but when I did she didn’t go running. I have that if nothing else, she didn’t run this time.

She drops her eyes not answering me. And I can’t just leave it like this.

“Last night’s slay was good. But it could have been better don’t you think?”

Okay Faith, now she’s gonna high-tale it out of here. Yep any second get ready to watch slayer dust and you deserve it too for that remark. Could you be more crude? Oh fuck it man it’s what I do. It’s why I said it there in the Magic Box, all dark and cosy.

But just as I fix my face so when B’s hand connects it won’t hurt as much as it should, she turns to me with that look I caught in her eyes when I knocked into her last night in my room. And the same warning bells and nerves start to flame in my body as they did then.

“Yeah, last night could have worked out better for the both of us.”

This time there isn’t honey or treacle or anything dripping from her mouth other than other than honesty. She was saying the truth when she said that to me, and you should know by now that I don’t know what to do when I’m faced with the truth. Flirty slutty Faith ran and hid, she was the one you couldn’t see for dust. I was all ‘loving the girl called Buffy’ again and couldn’t wipe the smile off my face if I tried.

We might have said more than that. Might have even got talking serious like if we’d both tried. But something stopped us. Maybe the fact I couldn’t really string a full sentence together after she smiled at me made it difficult. Maybe she was all with the zooming thoughts and hammering heart for once and didn’t know how to deal with me there. She had a bag with the clothes I lent her, that’s why she’d stopped by. Apparently she’d tried the motel already and there was no sign. Man I knew I should have just stayed in today. So she gave me the bag, both of us all quiet and awkward.

“Thanks B. You could have kept 'em if you wanted.”

Didn’t want her to go, she was heading for the door and I wanted to say anything that would make her stay.

“Black really isn’t my colour Faith. But it’s an accessory I’m thinking about a lot lately.”

She winks at me and closed the door. I had to laugh. There wasn’t much else I could do if I wanted to keep standing upright. Man, if my mind really went into what she meant by that, painful wouldn’t even cover it.

Five by five

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

September 2000

Ouch. Ouch much. Again with the ouch here. Shit this is hard. Speaking right now is hard. Can barely hold this pen, let alone form words with it. I don’t even know if I’m dressed...oh wait, I am. In last night’s clothes. Nice.

Hangover from hell in case you were wondering. Or should I say Hellmouth? Whatever. God if Giles calls me to go out on patrol tonight, ‘cause I know he has finally gotten the info we need to kill that big demon fucker, who’s been piling up corpses all over the place this past month, I think I’m going to have to scream at him. Well if my pounding head could withstand the noise I’d yell some. Probably have to go with the fake ‘Oh I’ve got a cold Giles. Wouldn’t be full strength tonight I’m afraid.’ Maybe I should just pull the phone out of the socket just in case...yeah problem solved, cool. Now I can get back to the pain.

Man what was I drinking last night? Oh right I remember. I can see the empty tequila bottle on the floor by the bin. Guess my aim was a little off last night. Shit, no wonder I feel like I’ve been dragged through a meat grinder and someone switched my tongue for sandpaper while I slept.

I think that’s what’s known as overkill Faith girl.

God how did I let myself get into this state? Things were okay for a while there last night. Out with B and the Scoobies down at the Bronze. A little R&R ‘cause Xander got his first pay-check and me and the Slayer decided to give ourselves the night off. It’s not like we don’t deserve it. And I think both of us are getting a little stressed out with the tension that keeps cropping up between us when we’re alone. Safety in numbers I’m thinking right? Besides B has needed to relax a little for awhile now, ‘cause I’m not sure what’s going down between her and Army Boy, but I’ve noticed that she is more than up for extra patrolling at the weekends instead of being out with him, and she’s definitely been more grrr when he comes in and interrupts training lately.

The way I was seeing it though all this is a good thing. In my favour you know? Like if I actually bit down on this love that’s inside me for the Slayer and got over the bitter sweet taste of it, I might actually work up the courage to say something to her. Cowardice has never been a problem for me, even without the handy Slayer Strength I never was one to back away from something. Would always put up instead of shut up if someone pissed me off or got under my skin the way B has been able to. But with her…with her I draw a blank when inside I’m yelling at myself to do something,  _anything_ to change things between her and me. All I’m doing is letting my gaze linger on her a little too long so she’ll notice. Make lameass comments like how she should wear black more often and follow her innocent remarks with a few more lurid ones of my own. The kind that makes her blonde eyebrows rise and a soft crimson blush creeps up her neck. You know just small things. Small flirty things that maybe hint to her I want something more, but the way I’m saying them and hell the fact they are coming from me in the first place, get-some-get-gone-Faith, make it clear I’m not being serious, at least in B's eyes anyway.

So yeah, her all grrr towards Army Boy and us having a few beers on a much-needed R&R session was good for a while there yesterday.

It was relaxed you know? Those times when you can just sit back and look at everyone around you and just know that it's one of those times that can’t get any better. And I’m not trying to go all hearts and flowers here like Red. But sat with them all last night, waiting for the band to start up. Seeing their faces laughing and joking as if we didn’t live on a Hellmouth and each and every one of us hasn’t stared death in the face, some more than once, and been able to tell him to fuck the right off, gave me a kinda…I don’t know. Nice feeling inside. It’s all the slayer time I’ve been hanging with B probably, but all of a sudden last night it hit me that things aren’t so bad in the land of Faith right now. The Scoobies treat me as one of the team. Yeah maybe the renegade-lives-by-her-own-rules-and-could-quite-easily-slit-their-throats-in-the-dead-of night-one of the team, but still they bought me drinks and let me join in with the conversation. And then there was the Slayer. Minus the cardboard cut-out that never went with any of her outfits anyway.

Around a table full of her friends she came and sat next to me. Of all the tops she could have worn she was wearing the backless strappy number I remember telling her she looked really cute in. It was silvery and glittery and kinda shimmered in the light inside. Normally I would have a problem with B wearing something like that and being so close, but having everyone else around us just melted the tension away somehow. And I know that sounds fucked up, ‘cause you’d think with them there B would be more with the babble-fest explaining her tightness with me and not Army Boy these past few weeks. And I’d be equally stressed about one of them catching me stare too long at the Slayer walking over to the bar, swinging those petite hips of her. Especially T-T-Tara. She looks at me sometimes with a quirky smile like she knows what’s going on inside my head, and she totally digs the idea that it wouldn’t be just her and Red the odd ones out anymore. I received plenty of those weird little looks last night let me tell you. But none of it seemed to matter. Didn’t bring up the walls between me and B. Guess it helped to bring them down a little if I’m honest about it.

So why am I on the wrong side of a bottle of tequila today then?

Good question. One I bet my own hungover ass I’m gonna have to explain to B when I next see her. As even though I got steamed here in the safety of my own room last night, if I recall I was pretty much passing the halfway mark back in the Bronze before I even made it back here. And though my recollection of stuff that happened is a bit hazy, as it would be when you enter into a contest with the rational side of your brain to see how many shots it will take to get it to shut the fuck up with the ‘don’t do this Faith girl, you’ll regret it in the morning.’ Well it got that wrong ‘cause I didn’t even regain consciousness till this afternoon so fuck that line of reasoning anyway. I still remember enough to know that I might have screwed things up royally between me and B last night.

Argghh my head still hurts. I really don’t want to be going into this right now. It’s funny though, but sometimes when I start writing all this shit down it makes it all clearer in my head. Though tonight it’s up against some wicked Mexican roadblocks in there I have to say. It’s true though. It kinda gives me a release. Just like kicking the shit out of some demon, or disfiguring a vamp so he looks even more hell bound than he did in the first place will get rid of the dark feelings inside. The tension and the pain of being who I am, in love with the person I am in love with, going back and forth in my head whether she could ever love me. Yeah even if it is hard to go all Psych 101 on myself it does get me thinking clearer. And right now that’s probably a good thing.

Everyone was up and dancing. The band really rocked, some grunge combo not too heavy and not too fucked up, so they weren’t screeching about being seventeen and fucked up the ass by their Home Ec' teacher. We all did the big group dancing thing, but it got kinda awkward out there with ex-demon chick hanging off of Xander’s neck the way she does, and Red and T-T-Tara exchanging those looks they never think anyone notices but we all do. Man those two Wicca’s when they look at each other like that no-one else gets a look in. The club could burst into flames around them and they wouldn’t notice, in fact I'm pretty certain that that has actually happened at least once in the Wicca's presence. Not last night though. Last night after witnessing the Wicca's gazing, I made a kinda gagging motion to the Slayer who swatted me on the arm for the sarcasm and I grinned wide back at her. And then me and B did the only decent thing. We left the couples to their smoochies, Red’s term has stuck now sorry, and went to get another beer. And she’s watching them out there on the dance floor, this look in her eyes like she’s wishing she were out there dancing with someone herself. But wait, no Army Boy here so she can’t do that. I started to feel a bit grrr again as that thought swam freestyle through my brain so, with the added extra courage of a couple of beers inside me, I leaned across to her and raising my voice over the din of some really cool guitar I asked her where Army Boy was this evening.

“If you wanna dance so much, why didn’t you invite your honey along?” I tried to remain calm but the scorn I feel for him just creeps through anyway these days.

I thought she might go with a sarcastic comment, sometimes I just invite them in you know, ‘cause they’re the things I can usually deal with. But she surprised me. She does that a lot.

“I don’t particularly want to dance with him anymore.”

I’m guessing that took a lot of guts of her own to say, and fuck me if I’m going to blow this one slim chance I see before me.

“No?”

She shakes her head. Biting her bottom lip a little and ‘cause the band is so loud, and I’m so close to her I can hear her breath start to come in short sharp bursts.

Yeah I know how that feels B.

“How about dancing with someone else? How’d do you feel about that?”

Oh heart racing now. Yep, hammering away in there like a fucking racehorse. If I look down I know I’ll see my chest heaving up and down. It had to be.

“Depends who asked me to dance.” Well what did I expect in response to a question like mine? She had to go with something as equally…what’s that word…enigmatic?

And here is my chance. Here’s the fucking lottery draw and for once I am in the right place at the right time and I have my numbers all picked out. I downed my beer in one swallow, like I needed the extra time or boost to actually get the words to form in my head you know? And she is looking at me nervously, out of the corner of her eye. Flicking those emerald eyes of her on me for a brief second then staring intently at the label on her Bud like it was the fucking Holy Grail or something.

“What if  _I_ asked you to dance?” I said it without looking at her. ‘Cause if I read the situation totally wrong and that’s not what she wanted me to say, then I didn’t want to see her eyes when she turned me down. I can handle most things, but rejection from her would just be one thing too fucking much to deal with.

“Why don’t you try and ask me?”

Bitch! She wants me to say it again? How much does she already think I’m going out on a limb for her anyway? Shit I could feel myself balancing way off beam already in this thing between me and her. One more step and I was gonna be falling over the edge.

This time I did manage to look at her.

“B, wanna dance?”

And I held my breath in. Seriously just took it in and thought if she says no, I just won’t let it out and she can deal with an asphyxiated slayer at her table.

“Yes.”

Just that one word. It was all she needed to say. For once the woman that has clocked one hundred words per minute with that mouth of hers, managed to say just one word and make it feel like she’d said a thousand to me. I took the half-filled beer bottle from her hands and put it down on the low table in front of us. Then returning to hands that were now anxiously twiddling their thumbs I just took one of them in my own and led her to the dance floor. And even though we’ve done the dirty dancing thing before here in the very same club this time was different. This time it wasn’t out of some fucked up voyeuristic display for the guys in there. She wasn’t getting back at Giles or Angel and I wasn’t trying to prove I was the baddest chick on the block with a chip the size of Kansas on my shoulder.

This time it was just between me and B.

Man if the world could have stopped its relentless turning then I would have been the happiest person alive. I had what I wanted right in front of me. So beautiful and so perfect I had to remind myself to breathe when the song slowed down and she moved in a little closer to brush up against me. Christ this was what I had dreamed about happening for months now and I didn’t know what to do in response. Standing there looking as dumb as Xander in case this was all down to the beers she’d had, and she wasn’t really dancing with me, but in her mind she has a fantasy going on that involved someone tall dark and handsome.  _Well fuck that_ I thought.  _Enough with the doubts already Faith girl_ .  _You asked her to dance, and here she is dancing with you. So make like you know what you are doing and grab on to her_ .

Didn’t matter that people could see the way the two of us moved so gracefully together. Didn’t matter that Xander’s eyes were popping out and a knowing smile was lighting up T-T-Tara’s features. Didn’t matter that for a brief second in B’s eyes I saw her hesitate as I hooked my arm around her waist, and I could see her ask her herself what the fuck she thought she was doing dancing with me in the Bronze. All that mattered was her skin touching my bare arms as she moved with me to the rhythm of the slow, deep penetrating song that was coming from up on stage. All that mattered was the fact I had asked and she had said yes. I didn’t care about anything else right then. Last night her swaying against me, me smiling down at her with that slutty half smile I’m beginning to realise makes her breath catch in her throat, just like mine does to me whenever I see her walk into the room, was all that I cared about. B in my arms, halle-fucking-ulah.

I should have known though, that just because I glimpsed happiness for one brief moment it wouldn’t stick around so I could get to know it better. Yeah should have known that from the start, Faith girl.

The music had stopped. It was like there was silence everywhere ‘cause all I could hear was the beating of my own heart and the raspy quick breaths coming from B. When had I slipped both hands around her waist? Bringing her in closer to me, close enough to be able to hear her breath and see the light sheen of sweat breaking out on her skin. Neither of us seemed to notice anyone else standing near us. Like the noise had zeroed out to nothing so had the Scoobies and everyone else on the dance floor. It was like the world just existed of the Slayer and me. At least that’s how it felt to me. And neither of us was letting go. We weren’t even moving anymore whether the band was still playing or not, we were just stood. My hands resting on her hips, I flexed my fingers a little and sure enough they touched each other when I moved them to her waist. And at some point B had moved her arms up to my shoulders. Don’t know when that had happened either. But I felt their weight on me, lightly clutching, maybe I even felt a finger dip beneath the thin strap of the vest I was wearing and caress the flesh there too. I knew that this was one of those moments when if you utter a word, even a small one, it would shatter the thing that had enveloped us and we wouldn’t be able to recapture it no matter how hard we tried. So I didn’t. Instead I smiled down at B, and this time it wasn’t one of my slutty expressions when I wriggle my eyebrows and suggest with that one look how much I enjoy a good fuck. It was the smile that I’ve held back all these months in her presence, only letting it show when her back was turned and no-one else was around to see it. It’s the smile I guess everyone has within them when they know who it is they love and they want that person to know it too. It’s a smile that I know I’ve only ever been able to wear for her. And when she sees the corners of my mouth go up, I’m looking at almost a mirror image of it on her face. I just know in that instant that the Slayer feels it too. Feels this thing between us. She gets it. And my mind doesn’t go AWOL on me or tries to tell me it's wishful thinking when I see her smile up at me like that. It just sorta calmed, you know? Like it reached this plateau and it didn’t want to think anymore about how me and B can never be together. How can a girl like her ever love someone like me? It wasn’t thinking that anymore. Everything was just still inside. Calm. Peaceful.

Until  _he_ came along.

She saw him first. He’d come up behind me. Sorry to say no Slayer tingle gave me warning this time and the first I knew about it was B’s eyes changing. Anxious, wide, flicking around madly as if she was only now realising where she was and who she had just been dancing with. And at first I’m all confused, ‘cause fuck it man that had been our perfect moment you know? That had been  _it_ . The moment when the world stops and only the two of us existed, ‘cause at the end of the day that’s how much I feel for the Slayer. Like the world is only made up of the two of us. And that was the moment she knew it too, I could see it in her eyes. Damn it, I know I saw it in her eyes so why was she now looking like a vamp caught in Slayer headlights?

“What’s going on Buffy?”

Of course then it hit me. Him. She dropped her arms from my shoulders and moved out of my grasp so quickly it was like she’d not even been there in the first place.

“Riley. I didn’t think you’d be here.”

“Obviously.”

I’m watching her face, and she’s flushed and I can see that she’s trying to come up with something to say, something to cover up this whole scene of being caught by her honey in the arms of someone else, and not just anyone else, but in the arms of Bad Slayer Faith. Oh yeah I can tell B wants to get out of this one and I bet she wasn’t about to tell old cardboard face that he’d just interrupted something pretty fucking earth shattering between us, and _that_ just pissed me off.

Before she gets chance to do a babble about too many beers, and we were just having a laugh, and it was all down to me taking advantage of her anyway and so glad you’re here now honey to protect me from Big Bad Faith, I turned around to him, my eyes all lidded and summoning up the bitch that lives so close to the surface sometimes, making sure my voice is loud enough so B can hear me too I go…

“Chill Army Boy. I was just keeping her warm for you.”

The hate that I could see in his eyes for me at that moment gave me a perverse feeling of joy inside. It faded though when I glanced back at the Slayer and saw those emerald eyes of hers fill with pain. I shouldn’t have said that. Part of me right then and there knew I should never have said it, knew that it would hurt her and that’s the last thing I ever want to do. But fuck it. Couldn’t take it back. Couldn’t turn around and apologize to B the way I wanted to with Army Boy standing there. Hell I probably couldn’t have apologized even if it had been just me and B. I mean how do you take back words that cut like broken glass?

So instead I did what I always do. What everyone expects me to do. I acted as though I didn’t care. About B, about the dance we’d just shared, about the moment when I knew that she wanted me too. I didn’t care about any of it. At least that’s what I started to shout at myself inside, as I left those two on the dance floor, a dismissive look in my eyes when B looked at me. I walked away from her. Willing myself not to go back and tell her how sorry I was pleading with her to forgive me. I wasn’t capable of that last night.

All I was capable of was drinking. Dulling the pain inside. Making it all go away. And when I got sick of the looks B kept throwing me that were all mixed together so one minute she was looking at me with hate, and the next with regret, and the next with something my confused drunk mind told me was love. When I got sick of seeing Army Boy go into overdrive proving to anyone watching but especially proving to me that he  _had_ B, she belonged to  _him_ . When I got sick of the whole fucking lot of them, I left with a bottle of tequila I’d snatched from behind the bar and a crazy notion in my head that if any vamp jumped me on the way home I might not put up a fight this time.

But none did. And here I am now. I think my hangover is easing up. Might grab a shower. Probably should eat. Don’t really want to do either. I know what it is I have to do. I know what can make this pain inside go away. I just don’t know if I can do it.

I need to see the Slayer.

And I need to tell her…

…everything.

Fuck five-by-five right now, I just want this over with.

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

September 2000

It’s finally quiet. Finally calm everywhere. Inside my head and out. And she’s finally asleep. Man she looks so peaceful lying there in some sweats I didn’t even know I had in the bottom of my closet. It’s been a rough couple of days. But she’s asleep now, and my mind wants to play catch up with all the shit that’s gone down. Only I don’t want it too. I want to sit here and keep watching the Slayer sleep. I’ve a stupid grin that won’t leave my face each time I look over at her and my stomach is doing these little flips. Man what’s happened to me? If I look in a mirror do you think it will be my face that peers back?

Fuck it man. I know what this is. And that stupid grin is growing into a full-fledged smile as I think about what this is. This is me happy. Get me? Happy, who’d have fucking thought it? And I’m not waiting for some Big Bad to come in and ruin it this time. I’m not second-guessing that this will only be around on a short-term contract. You know, it’s making a one night only appearance then will shoot through like all the other times. I’m not thinking that anymore. Man I can hardly grip this pen. I want to laugh. I want to scream and shout. Tell the whole fucking world then shut the door on them again ‘cause this time we have, I want it to be just for her and me.

I need to get this under control or else she’s going to wake up and I need to get all this down on paper before I forget. Though I don’t think I could forget the past 24 hours. Not ever. When the bruises heal. When the light comes around again making things safe once more. When we face the Scoobies and tell them what’s happened and all of us start to get on with the day to day lives of the Hellmouth, I still won’t forget this. Because this is me happy for the first time in my miserable short life.  _Really_ happy I mean. And I don’t think anything could make me forget that.

Still, she’s sleeping and I’m not about to wake her. I have nothing else to do except watch her there on my bed, and I’ve been doing that for the past hour smiling that stupid smile to myself, so what the hell right?

God where to start working through this though? Now I come to think of it maybe this isn’t such a good idea after all. If I linger on some of the things that have happened I’m gonna get very grrr again, and if I skip over them to the good parts, like you do with a film you’ve seen loads of times and fast forward to the fight scenes, its not gonna make any sense to me. And I think I need this to make sense. I don’t know why. Maybe its ‘cause since I became a slayer not much has made sense to me and I want things to start out on a normal path from now on, though how normal things can be living on a Hellmouth remains to be seen. Still, its time to stop with the questioning and get some answers. Ha, man I must be really happy if I’m willing to stick around for class instead of checking in at roll-call and heading down the arcade.

Okay, time to get Psych 101 again Faith girl.

So there I was, all hungover, tired, angry and with an ache inside the size of which I don’t remember feeling before. Not even when things went crazy between me and B and I made a move on Angel in some fucked up sense of payback, did I feel so lost inside as I did the other evening standing outside on her porch. Scuffing my boots on the back of my pants waiting for her mom or Dawnie or if I was real lucky B to open the door to me. I’d stood there a good ten minutes with my hand balled up in a fist inches away from the wood. I just couldn’t get it to knock you know? It was like I was paralysed or something. My heart was beating so fast, and I could feel sweat forming on my forehead dripping down into my eyes and past my nose. I smelt a hint of tequila and it all came flooding back what a mess of things I’d made at the Bronze and how above anything else I had to explain to B why I’d reacted the way that I did. Though my earlier resolve to tell her everything was beginning to waver a bit in my head as the pounding from my hangover started in again. But at least the wave of nausea that washed through me when I swept my damp hair off my face, wiping away the sweat, got me to knock on the Summers’ front door, ‘cause if nothing else I figured Mrs S wouldn’t appreciate me barfing up all over her doorstep.

I heard footsteps almost straight away and I let myself hope that B had been waiting for me to come around, sitting impatiently on the stairs inside, waiting for my knock and jumping up all nervous and hopeful like. Hey, I never said I was thinking clearly when I went round to her house! And besides fantasies of how B feels towards me was all I was left with after the other night remember? Anyway, any smile that this thought had given me dropped off my face quicker than a vamp with a stake through his heart turns to dust, when it wasn’t B who answered the door, or even the welcoming grin of little Dawnie who is always pleased to see me (at least one of the Summers’ chicks digs me, right?) It was Mrs S and you’d have thought I  _had_ barfed up in the flowerpots or something, ‘cause she didn’t look at all impressed that I was standing there.

“Faith.” She sounded mildly surprised which I guess is understandable if B had told her even a fraction of what happened in the Bronze the other night. But still she was looking at me weird too and I was getting this feeling that I’d missed something pretty big that day.

“Hey Mrs S.” Had to take a deep breath at this point ‘cause not only did a portion of the tequila want to make a reappearance around about then, but I wasn’t sure I could actually get the next words out without losing control of stuff inside me. Stuff like tears.

“Is B home?” Phew, I let go another deep breath and tried to do that smile that makes parents trust you with their youngest on prom night, but I probably just freaked out Mrs S even more with my version of it.

Then I know something is up ‘cause her face goes all frowny and furrowed brow, like I’ve just said the most idiotic thing in the world and she is trying to figure out why I’d say something so stupid. And I’m beginning to get anxious now, that nausea in my stomach has turned into a knot, no wait, a thousand knots all screwed up tight. And it’s clamping down my insides so I can feel myself get hot and in reflex I ball both fists up, I can feel the nails of my right hand break the skin but I don’t really notice it.

“What is it? What’s happened?” Don’t know if I sounded as anxious with my voice as I was feeling with my body but Mrs S relaxed her face suddenly, so I’m guessing something about my behaviour tipped her off I was getting wigged out.

“Oh Faith sorry, I didn’t mean to alarm you.” She kinda smiled slightly when she said that, like she too thought it was a little odd that I’d get so worked up over her daughter but least the woman was being sincere. “It’s just I thought you’d have been with her by now.”

Okay I’m so with the not following at this point. I looked at Mrs S, this time it was me all surprised. I had this ‘what the fuck are you talking about’ expression written all over my face, which at least meant I didn’t actually have to say that out loud to B’s mom. While she filled me in I had to take deep breaths and pry my fingers open from the fists I made, smearing the blood on the back of my leathers.

“Mr Giles called Buffy over to the Magic Box this evening, I think he has everyone there. Something about putting an end to some…oh what was it Buffy said? Some Major League Bad, yes that’s what she called it. Don’t wait up mom, I have some Major League Bad to kill.” Mrs S laughs then to herself, like she was thinking about the absurdity of her daughter’s life, and the only way to combat how utterly terrifying it was to know her eldest went out slaying demons every night, was to laugh about it and pretend it was all some big cosmic joke. If I’d been in a more friendly kinda mood I’m sure it would of made me laugh too, or at least I would have laughed so as to put Mrs S at ease that she wasn’t alone in thinking this life was kinda horrific. But I was edging ever closer to the darkness that’s always within me and I just couldn’t see the funny side. “You know one of these days I’d just like to hear ‘don’t wait up mom, I’m going to the movies then probably stop by the Frat house for an all night orgy, okay?’”

She’s laughing again,  _what the fuck is she going on about?_ I thought. So the General has called in the troops,  _everyone_ , and didn’t invite me. Wonder who’s choice that was? Doesn’t take three guesses. Now I wasn’t thinking about finding B and confessing my soul, I was thinking of finding her and putting an end to this thing I feel for her, one violent way or another. I think she once said that loves makes you do the wacky, well she was about to find out how wacky I could get.

It’s lucky then that for once my guard dropped, and the darkness inside me that I can keep well hidden so no-one can see it appear, was seen very clearly by the now concerned protective eyes of B’s mom. Because if she hadn’t grabbed my arm a little too tight as I turned to leave I would probably be writing a different kinda entry in this journal tonight.

“Faith, she did try to call you. Just before she left I remember now, she let the phone ring for minutes then she had to go.”

Was she lying? Could have been, right? A mother would do anything to protect their kid, well not including that bitch that gave birth to me. But Mrs S would definitely be the ‘hurt my girl and I’ll kill you’ variety of parenting (I didn’t stop ragging Spike for days when I found out how Mrs S hit him with an axe that one time) So I stood there facing this woman down. The look in her eyes almost as menacing as the look in my own must have been. Then I remembered about the phone back in the motel and my stupid idea that if I pulled it out of its socket no one would be able to reach me and my hangover.

Good move Faith girl, you shit head. It worked. No one had been able to reach you and now B and the rest of the Scoobies were facing that demon fucker with one slayer down. Yeah smart move, asshole.

At this my eyes must have changed or softened or brightened up or something that made the darkness in them fade away and Mrs S let go of my arm. Took a good step back from me admittedly, but she had a relieved look about her when I managed to look in her eyes again.

“Yeah well I think maybe my phone is out of order now I come to think about it.”

Felt like I should make up some excuse to her, though looking back on it you’d have thought I could have said something that wasn’t so lame.

She only nodded, I think she was trying to figure out if I was still gonna go out and kill her girl, or help her girl kill.

I needed to say one thing more before I ran on down to the Magic Box, hoping they’d all still be there. But I had to also get out of the bright light of the porch and into the shadows a bit so Mrs S wouldn’t see the look in my eyes when I said it.

“I’d never hurt B, Mrs Summers.”

There was more that I wanted to say, and goddamn it I’m sure my face was saying the rest for me. I felt the prickle of tears again and pushed them back with the heel of my hands so hard my sockets hurt. But I just walked down the steps, not looking back at B’s mom ‘cause I didn’t want to know what she was thinking about me now. And when I reached the end of their driveway, despite the tequila that was still clinging to the insides of my stomach, and the pounding of little steel balls in my head banging against my temples each time I moved, I broke into a run headed as fast as I could for the Magic Box.

No time for the nervous death-row walk in there on this occasion. Wasn’t worrying about what the Scoobies might be thinking if they were still in there, or how B would react when she saw me come in. That’s the good part about being a Slayer, knowing there is some meanass demon trying to take over your town you begin to focus on the here and now and apologies and explanations just have to wait until you dust yourself down, wipe the blood from your blade and see the sun coming up again. It’s something both me and B have done in the past. Locked away the pain and the anger with each other so we can get on with our job. What we were chosen for. And as I burst into the Magic Box, the door flinging open and knocking some not inexpensive fertility statues off the shelves as it banged into them, I was hoping that this was one of those times when B would remember why we’re here and let me help her do the job we never asked for. But B wasn’t there as I did a quick check of who was in the shop, which for the first time I realised how eerie the place looked when the candles are all going and there’s no other light source in there.

The Wicca lovers were sat on the floor along with ex-demon chick and Xander, they formed a circle and when I got close I saw the pentagon in salt marked in the middle of it. Right so we have Wicca power going down again, this must be bad if Giles is going with the mystical I remember thinking. I was about to say something, like ‘hello I’m here’ maybe, as not one of them had looked up when I made my very stealthy entrance. In fact they didn’t seem to be registering anything apart from the candles each of them had on the floor in front of them. Low chanting coming from Red and T-T-Tara unison like. Then Giles came in from the back and seeing me about to open my big mouth shushed me straight away and beckoned me over.

He looked pissed at me. That restrained pissy face he gets when he takes his glasses off so he can eyeball me without the lenses getting in the way. Well I know I deserved it this time, the whole phone thing biting me squarely in the ass now, so I did what I was told for once and almost tiptoed round the mystic party and followed Giles to the training room. I thought maybe B would be there, but even as I had this thought I knew she wasn’t. I can just sense her presence sometimes you know? And I all I was sensing right then was Giles’ anger, and the locking down of my emotions inside one by one as I prepared myself for whatever fight B had gone on.

“Where the hell have you been?” Even though we were in the next room with the door closed Giles kept his voice to a loud whisper, obviously what the Wicca’s had going on in there was pretty powerful mojo. I couldn’t help the feeling that yet again I’d let everyone who has ever given me a chance down.

I scuffed my feet on the floor, acting like a kid who’s got caught sneaking back way after their curfew by an irate parent.

“At the motel.” I mumbled it and I began to wonder where Bitch Faith was when I needed her.

“Buffy and I tried calling you there. We got no answer.” Giles didn’t seem to be calming down much, so I kicked my feet on the floor even more and just to add another measure of petulance I dug my hands deep into my jacket pockets, I think I even pouted some.

“Well, like my phone is fuh..I mean screwed. And I’ve told the manager to come get me when he puts calls through to the room, but he’s such a lardass that he never leaves his office unless it’s rent day. How was I supposed to know you needed me?” Okay to seal the effect and get his anger off me and onto something out of both his and my control so he’s not ragging my ass about it anymore, I looked at Giles with such an innocent pleading gaze, a slight grimace to my lips so he’d see how upset I was that he was angry at me. Like any pro who flashes the right amount of leg out on the sidewalk I hooked Giles in and all I needed to do was reel in the line.

“It’s just as well that I went round to see B this evening and her mom told me she was here else I’d have still been none the wiser. I mean Giles, didn’t you think of sending anyone to come get me?”

Maybe I was pushing it now, but he still had his glasses in his right hand and I know he was still slightly pissed, and all this anger back and forth was seriously slowing me down in getting to the Slayer and sorting this whole mess out. Giles must have figured that too ‘cause he let my comment drop without responding to it and paced away, cleaning and returning his glasses to their rightful place.

Phew, breathe deep Faith and start getting some answers.

“So what did you call me for? I’m guessing that little show out there ain’t ‘cause you lost the keys to this place again.”

Sometimes I amaze myself that I can come out with words that sound like me when inside I’m feeling far from the Faith I know and usually loathe.

Giles turns to me, he’s sighing and rubbing his forehead. This usually means that he’s had a really bad day and could do without my sarcasm. Oh well.

“Come on Giles, I practically busted a gut getting here tonight. Least you can do is fill me in on what I’ve missed, and tell me how I can play catch up with the rest of the gang.”

I think I broke him from his thoughts or something ‘cause he looked at me a little out of focus at first, like he was trying to remember what I was doing there, then he nodded his head, the way you know he is about to launch in to one of his demon monologues. This time I was determined not to just hear the part about how I kill them.

“Right, of course. I’m sorry Faith. It’s been a rather long day.”

I grimaced when he apologised to me, feeling something most people wouldn’t think I could feel,guilt, for turning the tables on something that was somy fault in the first place. But like I said, being a Slayer means you just have to lock the emotions away sometimes. This was one of those times.

“I’ve uncovered, that is we’ve uncovered the purpose behind the Formorii’s presence here in Sunnydale.”

I know he hates it when you interrupt but I was already a bit lost, how much had I missed?

“The Formorii? That the huge ugly guy we came up against before?”

He looked at me like I should have known this detail before, and it’s quite possible that I was present at that particular briefing but sorry Giles, not real good with names you know?

“Yes, the Formorii. He’s the last surviving demon of the Formorii clan, ancient sea demons with mystical powers. I underestimated him the first time you went up against him...”

No shit Giles. I still remember the ass kicking I got ‘cause you came up short. Luckily I only thought this and made out to be ‘pensive, listening slayer’ until he finished.

“…but now we’ve found a way to bind his powers so it should be easier to kill him. That’s what the others are doing in there. But I don’t know how long they can keep it up. And we have no idea how many more demons and vampires Formorii has under his power protecting him now. I would have preferred to send both slayers out to stop him this evening, but circumstances being what they were, Buffy has gone on ahead.”

He stopped took off his glasses again and began to clean them. It’s a nervous thing he does, usually when the odds against us good guys coming out on top are slim to none.

And B has gone after this bastard alone? I was beginning to lose my cool again.

“Gone ahead?” It was as if Giles had just told me we were late for some lecture or something and B had gone ahead to score us the best seats. “She’s just gone ahead?”

Okay could do without the appearance of Repeato Girl please.

Giles puzzled frown meets me full on and he nods his head.

“Giles that scumbag almost ended us the last time, and we had double strength slayerage on the case, how could you let her go on ahead without back up?”

I bet Giles was thinking that I was so pissed and acting all wigged ‘cause I was feeling left out. The Faith he thinks he knows hates to miss the undead party and she secretly thinks she is the better slayer so sending on the pastel version was just a bad idea. Well he was dead wrong. I was barely able to contain the fear inside that B wasn’t going to make it back alive. I was already with the doubts, that no matter how skilled I know the Slayer is she might fail this one time. Like I had, lets face the truth here. Being faced with that knowledge the other night in the training room scared me more than anything I’ve ever come across, even my love for B.

And yet what Giles told me next didn’t ease the fear inside, although I suppose to any rational mind it should.

“Firstly Faith, you know trying to stop Buffy from doing anything she has her mind set on is a nigh onimpossible task.” Well had to agree with him there. B’s like the most stubborn chick I know, apart from me I guess. I felt that twinge of guilt again for laying into Giles. “And secondly , she isn’t alone. Riley insisted on going with her.”

No, afraid that didn’t help Giles, but thanks for trying all the same.

Army Boy is with her when I should be. Army Boy is there for her because I’m never there when she needs me. Army Boy  _insisted_ on going with her, okay so I begin to take a little comfort from that remark. The small place in the back of my brain that still hasn’t quite mastered the blocking out of emotions, started to hope that B really didn’t want to take Army Boy with her and instead wanted me by her side, ‘cause she has realised that’s where I belong. But I couldn’t let that thought take hold right then and there. Besides it got quickly swept aside when I realised it was Army Boy that was going to get the Slayer killed. She was up against a demon the likes of which neither of has encountered in a long time. Not to mention like Giles said, the amount of undead protection he’d called into action by now. And on top of being lone slayer on this assignment, which believe me was bringing on the guilts like I couldn’t believe, she’d have to watch out for her lame honey’s ass when her concentration should be elsewhere.

No this was not helping me calm down. And it wasn’t helping me lose the attitude.

“Oh well that's alright then isn’t it Giles? I’m sure by now the two of them have slayed this Form guy already and are splitting a frappuccino down at Starbucks. Jesus Giles you might as well have sent her with her hands tied behind her back, and a sign around her neck saying Kick Me.”

I moved over to the weapons on the far wall to get away from the glare I received for that little outburst. The glasses had come off again and I think I was about to face the full-on might of Giles’ British restraint being unrestrained for once. Shit I didn’t have time to argue this with him. Or apologise like I know I should. So I reached for my trusty axe, loaded my jacket with a few stakes and as an afterthought, because I’ve not been too keen on knives since...well since a while, I picked up the ivory handled twelve inch blade Giles kept around for more ornaments sake than any other.

“Will these do the job this time? They don’t need to be mojo’d do they?” I spoke with a little too much contempt, reminding Giles of the last time we tried to kill this fucker, and whether he was feeling a little of the guilt that seemed to have arrived by the busload on a day trip to SunnyHell, he stopped the glare and just shook his head no. A little resigned maybe and very weary all of a sudden. I could see it in his eyes, he was getting too old for this I thought suddenly. Then shook that thought free from my head ‘cause for all his faults and overbearing sometimes, I don’t know where me and the Slayer would be without him.

I softened my voice a little as I made my way to the back door, to try and mend some of the tension in the air maybe. Or just ‘cause the guy really didn’t need to be on the receiving end of my fucked up way of caring for the Slayer.

“Is it the same den as before?”

He nodded.

“Yes, the Formorii is a creature of habit it seems. Willow and the others will try and hold his powers off for as long as they can.”

There was something else he wanted to say, he looked a bit anxious. Scared for his Slayer maybe, just like I was.

“Don’t worry Giles. I won’t let anything happen to her.” Funny how twice in one night I had to reassure people about B’s safety around me.

As I opened the door Giles had one last thing to say to me, and just like so many things over the past few months have managed to make me stop and take in a deep breath, re-thinking my life and the people in it, Giles’ words made me pause for just a moment the other night.

“Don’t let anything happen to you either Faith.”

Whoa, my mind screeched. Was that concern? Was that sincere? Was that an emotional response from stoic Giles to me, the Bad Slayer? Yes. And ‘cause right then and there all my mind could do was take that fact in and not form a response to it yet, I smiled my trademark grin back at the Watcher.

“Hey Giles, five by five man.”

Yeah, only what happened that night wasn’t five by five at all.

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

_(September 2000 cont)_

Man I’m shaking again. Just getting this far going through everything has made my skin crawl and my nerves to stand on edge. The heat in my body is back just like when I found her laying there...broken...Wait, hold it there Faith. Skipping ahead is not going to help here. A few calming breaths is all you need. Everything is going to be ok.

She’s still sleeping soundly on my bed. Curled underneath the covers in that tight position that’s supposed to be like when you were in the womb. How the hell can a person remember what it was like to be in the womb anyway? Or want to go back into it? Gross much.

And again with the irrelevant thoughts. You know, I’m getting more like B every day. Hey least my smile’s returning with that thought. There are definitely worst people in this shitty world I could become. And I know that from experience.

Just calm your breath down and stop the anger.

Stop seeing it in your head girl!

You did all you could.

What you had to do.

And come the morning things will be five by five. I know they will. She said they will. Just gotta get through the night first, and through  _this_ . I knew going into this would bring out the grrr in me. Fuck it! Why do I set myself up to fail so often? I can’t even hold onto that goddamn smile I had earlier on when I started out on this thing. There I was happy watching the Slayer sleep. Making goofy smiling faces every time she moved slightly in the bed, or when her breathing turned into that light snoring I bet she’d be mortified to find out about. Yeah I was doing okay back then. I should have known this would happen. I should have taken that advice to not try and go into this for some dumb posterity’s sake and left well alone.

Just like he should have left well alone.

Shit.

I’m not getting rid of this as easy as I thought. But fuck it if I’m giving up now. Besides there’s got to be that happy slayer of before somewhere at the end of this, right? Either that or B will wake up and I won’t have to finish anyway and this can sit unfinished in the bottom of some drawer. Just like so many things in my life are resting somewhere unfinished. Gathering dust like bones in a grave, ‘cause it’s easier to leave them behind than try and give them a proper end.

Well not this time. This time I am finishing something I started. I’m not going to let her come along and do the job for me by waking up and smiling. Causing all my emotions in my head and my heart to meld together, so I don’t know where I stop and she begins. I can’t let her do that for me this time. I can’t let someone else clear this mess up. This mess in my head that can’t bring itself to be written down without me clawing at my arms with my nails. Gripping the pen so tight my knuckles have gone white and if she wasn’t here in my room, if she’d turned away from me last night instead of to me, I know it wouldn’t be just my blunt nails I’d be searing my skin with now.

See how worked up I am B? All ‘cause of you.

You have that effect on people, B. We found that out last night.

Calm. Deep. Breath.

Right here goes. Let’s spin that wheel of fate one more time Faith girl, and just hold on for the ride.

Don’t know if I mentioned this before, but that hangout me and the Slayer found where Form Guy was holed up, and where I got my butt kicked by those super vamps, was out by the docks. One of the old warehouses you just know are gonna be inhabited by the lower scumbags not-of-this-Earth, ‘cause the new Mayor won’t pay the cops enough to patrol there at night. Suddenly us chasing that slime demon a few weeks back makes more sense as I found myself jogging along a similar boardwalk as to then. The weight of the axe banging comfortably against my back, my jacket looking a little misshapen with all the 'fire' power in there. But hell I wasn’t up for the Slayer Beauty Pageant or nothing, and I’m pretty sure the spray from the ocean wasn’t doing anything for my hair anyway. I was in Slayer Mode you know? Only this time I wasn’t protecting some dumb kid outside the Bronze from being a human-size snack for the walking dead, I was protecting my reason for being. And if you think that thought is heavy written safely down in this book a day after the fact, when all the shit there was to go down already has, just think what that thought did to me standing outside that warehouse, not knowing what I was about to face or what state B was in inside.

Yeah, pretty much numbed my body then too.

Had to get rid of that feeling right? Couldn’t go all paralysed slayer again. Lucky there is never anyone around who notices how I do that ‘cause of B. My rep would never recover. And wouldn’t you know it? Faith’s shitty luck actually runs into the positive for once, ‘cause right around the corner come two mean looking vamps, doing a patrol of their own. Actually chatting away to each other as if they were on some lame ass security guard detail wanting to get back inside for the Laker game. Not looking up ahead where there was one very grateful slayer ready with her stake in one hand, the axe in the other, and a 'come get me boys' expression in her eyes.

Man I love it when it’s just me and the vamps sometimes.

There was little finesse to the slay, I gotta admit. Not as lame as a previous one not a 100 yards away from that spot but all I needed to do was dust them and not draw too much attention to the fact that I was doing it, right? Run, jump and kick. The first vamp went down whilst the second one’s head lifted smoothly off his shoulders, followed by a shitload of dust, when the axe cut cleanly through him. I then dropped to my knees by the floored vamp and before he could even blink I’d stuck a stake through his heart and he joined his dusty buddy in the air. It was a quick kill by my standards, but I was moving slayer again and I was headed for the door.

Unlike my rather vocal entrance into the Magic Box earlier on I managed to slip inside the warehouse without making a sound. It was your typical rundown building, rotting beams above me, lots of leftover crates and planks everywhere, enough dust and scum on the floor you’d think a nest full of vamps had already had the Slayer on their case. Hey, maybe they had? Maybe I really was too late and B and Army Boy had slayed and run ‘cause I couldn’t see any action going on when I first got in there. No sign of the happy couple as my eyes adjusted to the dark. Nor was there any sign of a dead ancient sea demon either so I figured there was still some fun to be had that night. I made my way around what was once an office I reckon, all its windows long since shattered. That’s when I started to get a slayer tingle. It’s such a neat feeling when that happens you know? Like a soft cool hand running up your spine caressing the skin so slightly it almost feels as though nothing is there.

But something was.

Something was hiding in that office and had seen me walk past the broken windows. Another lookout, this Form Guy sure had his bases covered. Now my eyes had adjusted properly and that handy slayer sense was kicking in so I could see, hear and feel everything more acutely, I realised I hadn’t made it all the way inside this demon fuck’s lair after all. It seemed to be partitioned off with these massive metal doors that looked like they hung on some sort of rail so they could be opened up. No windows or openings anywhere along that fake wall either. I had to give Form Guy credit for his choice in location, fuck knows how many vamps were hiding out in here trying to prevent anyone getting in.

I blocked the next thought that ran through my mind before it could slow me down again and leave me wide open for the scumbag that was getting closer behind me. I couldn’t contemplate that B never made it past this bit ‘cause of the dead weight she was carrying. I had to believe that she was further inside and the reason I wasn’t being jumped on by more than the one vamp now, was ‘cause she’d come through here like a fucking slayer hurricane and taken most of this guy’s bros out.

I had to believe that you know? Because the alternative thought was going to get me killed.

I flipped the vamp over my shoulder but the force of him jumping me made me lose my balance and I fell over with him. Both of us were with the speedy recovery and were up again in a few seconds. The axe was useless this time ‘cause I didn’t have the time to un-strap it, and he wasn’t giving me a chance to reach in my jacket for a stake ‘cause he rushed me again. This guy could have been a quarterback if he found some super-nova sunblock. There was nothing I could do to avoid the full on body slam. I went with it, relaxing completely so it wouldn’t jar as much when I fell backwards, tucking into a roll and propelling him over my head. We were making a little too much noise and I really didn’t want any of his buddies joining in with the fun, ‘cause right then I wasn’t feeling in the mood for a bit of group action. This time I flipped to my feet first and managed to roundhouse kick the vamp’s face as he was kneeling, trying to stand himself. The force knocked most of his jaw to one side and he yelled like a girl, which was kinda funny at the time ‘cause this vamp sure wasn’t built like one.

I started to feel that rush through my body, all my nerves electrified one by one and my skin started to heat up as I heard a few bones loosen themselves with my next assault on his dead ribcage. Though I didn’t want to take too much time with this one it sure felt good to get warmed up for a kill by offing a vamp or two first. And maybe in the back of my mind I knew it helped me prepare to see B face to face too. If I could get rid of some of the grrr inside me first, I won’t overreact if she tells me to fuck off and leave the saving of innocents up to her and Army Boy. With one last punch to his face I freed a stake from my pocket and wham, no more dead guy on the floor beside me. Just another mound of dust already settling down as if it belonged there.

Breathing heaving, wiping sweat and some blood from my face which at first I didn't even realise was mine. Huh, the bastard must have got lucky with the one punch that got through my defences, I felt a gash above my left eye. I stood up and calmed everything down inside for a few seconds. I focused again on the room I was in, satisfied that no one else was going to come and interrupt me I began searching for a way through those big metal doors.

I found…nothing. It was like a frickin’ fortress or something. Smart move Form Guy, you really like your privacy dontcha? I began to feel the panic coming on. It’s always such a weird feeling when that happens, mainly ‘cause it doesn’t happen to a slayer often. In fact it’s only been happening to me since I came to dear old Sunnydale and met a girl called Buffy. And then only when I think I’m never going to see her again. Jesus that sounds lame. Me getting all concerned and weirded out just ‘cause I couldn’t find a way to get to the girl I love. Panicking. Silently running up and down the length of that warehouse. Feeling my heart thump ten times faster than any of those moments when B has touched me, pumping my heart into overdrive like it was now. And all ‘cause I was losing my focus, imagining I’d never get the chance to tell B how sorry I was for hurting her. And all the other stuff that was swimming around in my head last night that I wanted to say to her, but ‘cause I am such fucking asshole I wasn’t going to get the chance to say.

I stopped dead in my tracks. The urge to scream as loud and as fierce as someone who’s just been stabbed through the heart, ripped through me and I clamped my hands over my head trying to push the panic away.

What was fucking happening to me?

Where the hell was that slayer focus of before that makes it okay to get on with the job whilst your insides are like a frickin’ volcano, erupting with no warning?

How the fuck am I supposed to get on with my life if I never tell B how I feel?

I had to laugh to myself at that moment. Haven’t I had that thought before and never done anything about it? God I felt pathetic standing there in that empty space whilst Jesus knows what was going on behind those doors. And I laughed even louder at that feeling, even throwing my head back with the laughter at the absurdity of me thinking I am some mean, kick-em-whilst-they’re-down bitch. Someone who has no feelings for anyone other than herself, when in actual fact I’m just as lovesick and needy as Red. And as the laughter started to leave me empty again inside, and I wasn’t sure if the tears seeping from my eyes were down to the hysterics the panic had brought on, or were down to something more painful, like the pain living my life has been, I saw something I’d not noticed before. A shaft of light coming from next door shining through a crack or some small window. Way up in the corner of the doors where the top of them met the old iron roof. Right next to a convenient cross-section of beams that I followed back down to the floor to see what I couldn’t believe I’d missed before – a ladder.

Suddenly pathetic is joined by a feeling of Xander proportion stupidity inside me when I realise that more than likely B had spotted the very same ladder the minute she’d arrived in here, dusted the lookouts quicker and neater than I had, and hauled her ass up there just like I was doing now. But all without feeling the panic and the hurt and the fucking confusion I had going on a second ago.

Because she is the Slayer, and I’m just a second rate version that doesn’t even deserve her friendship, let alone her love.

_Oh well_ I thought to myself as I climbed hand over hand hoping the ladder was sturdier than it looked, _this thing between me and B will all be over pretty soon anyway_.

‘Cause we were either gonna win tonight and kill that demon fuck or we were gonna die trying. If we died then none of this matters anyway right? We’d be on two separate trips then for sure. And if we stayed alive then I’d get my chance to tell her sorry, and I’d be packing my bags come the morning. ‘Cause B can’t really love me the way I love her.

At least it will be over between us.

It’s strange but I actually took some weird comfort from that thought and I managed to focus again. The locking away of emotions started to happen as I finally reached the beams in the roof and hauled myself onto them. By the time I came face to face with the Slayer, who apparently had been about to launch her attack from the very entry point I’d been aiming for when she heard some vamp dusting going on back here, I didn’t feel anything at all.

“Faith.”

B’s voice had that same tone to it I knew mine would have when I decided to speak. It was cold, void of any emotion she might be having seeing me there. Like she’d locked herself away too so only the slayer part was on display.

“B.”

We were inches away from each other, both clinging to the narrow beams we balanced on. I took a quick look behind her to where the light was coming from, turns out it was a window after all, and I could just about make out a shadow there which by its shape and size had to be Army Boy. Least he hadn’t gotten her killed as I’d thought.

I looked back to B. Couldn’t read the expression on her face, it was pretty much blank anyway, and it didn’t help that we were so dark in shadows even those emerald eyes of hers looked empty.

One of us was going to have to say something. One of us that wasn’t me.

“Giles finally got hold of you then?” Was that contempt I heard in her voice or just the emptiness like when she said my name? If I’m to stay locked down with the emotions I have to think it was still just empty.

Get this right Faith.

“Not exactly, long story. But I’m here now.”

Okay not the explanation I was going to give but still, she hasn’t told me to fuck off yet.

“Better late than never I suppose Faith?” This time it _was_ contempt, and I deserved it I know but still…not a good idea to try being a bitch this high up B.

“If you think you and Army Boy can handle things I’ll go shall I?”

And just like back in the Magic Box faced with Giles pissed-offness I acted like a spoilt brat who had all the choices in the world laid out on a plate, when really I have no choice in this thing between me and the Slayer. Never have, never will. But that didn’t stop me from turning away from her, making sure I didn’t fall ass over tit off of those beams we were perched on. Giving off that ‘I don’t give a fuck what you do’ attitude I displayed so effectively the other night in the Bronze.

I feel this hand on my half turned shoulder. Her fingers gripping the leather too tight for comfort, digging in a little too much and forcing me to turn back around. I breathed in deep again, readying myself for the insults and the anger I was about to face. The anger I deserved.

“Why bother turning up at all if all you are gonna do is be Bitch Faith again?”

Would you look at that? Seems I’m not the only one who notices when she comes out to play for a while. And realising that B could tell when I let the bitch back in started loosening up those emotions inside again, which was definitely not a good thing to start happening believe me.

I shot B what I hoped was the meanest look I can give. Not because what she said had hurt me even though it was right up there with a blade in the stomach. But because I couldn’t think of anything to say to her that wouldn’t bring on a full scale slayer fight and like I said before, I didn’t have time for explanations and apologies the othernight. We still had a job to do after all.

I saw her purse her lips and go frowny on me the way she does when she knows she is in the right and it doesnt' matter what I say or do, she ain’t shifting her ground and letting the subject drop. And I can feel the bitch inside me really begin to rise, ‘cause goddamn it I came here tonight with the best fucking intentions. It’s not like I feel completely on top of my game either as that hangover from hell was still clinging around my rough edges some. Plus the whole having to be in the same room as Army Boy and more than likely end up saving his sorry ass wasn’t exactly bringing the fun in much either…and well…

...oh for fucksake!

Being so close to B knowing how only the previous night I’d got to hold her and touch her and it was all okay to do that wasn’t exactly making me think straight anymore.

I geared myself up for letting her have it with both barrels even if we didn’t have time to join the debate team right then, when her eyes changed from angry and defiant to that look in them I’ve been able to glimpse more often than not lately. The look that makes me think somewhere deep down inside, B knows she has feelings for me. Seeing her eyes soften, even if it was just a little, managed to stop my big mouth from getting me into more trouble.

She is looking at me more focused now, like she’s concentrating on something and her eyes go to that concern I saw in the Magic Box, all those months ago after the Slayer Shiner she gave me.

“You’re bleeding.”

I am?

Oh yeah, the lucky swing that vamp got past me. That’s still bleeding? Man, slayer healing powers get fucked up when your body has other things it’s trying to sort through. Not a good advertisement for being a slayer when you come to think about it. You can take the beatings, but if you happen to be wacky with the old love drug, don’t expect to make a full recovery any time soon. That kinda explains Angel’s scar on her neck I guess. Always bugged me why that never healed properly.

So I’m looking at her confused you know? What with the change in her attitude towards me all of a sudden, and me still bleeding after one lousy cut. And I’m also with the thoughts here that B must think I am the lamest slayer ever, ‘cause she would have faced the same level of vamps I did on my way in here and I don’t see her bleeding dry. So she is probably thinking that even if I wasn’t being a bitch she could do without my kinda help anyway. She was already carrying with her one dead weight, she didn’t need a second millstone around her neck…

…that sounds like a much longer detailed thought than obviously I had time for the other night. But you get what I’m trying to say right? I had come off second best slayer again and B must know by now it’s ‘cause my focus is always on her.

“Uh…it doesn’t hurt much.” Which was true, it didn’t hurt at all really. I hadn’t even remembered that I’d been hurt until she went all concerned and sympathetic on me.

Just to prove it and show that I am really tough and don’t need no cheerleader girlfriend to come fix me up mid-game, I brushed my hand over the cut, smearing the blood a little and tried to act all cool collected Faith, but even a slayer can’t outdo simple laws of nature.

You ever touched an open wound with sweaty dirty hands? Okay try this then. You know how you cut yourself at school? You’re fooling around with a knife from art class and whoops blood everywhere, so the sixth grade teacher sends you off to the nurse and she has that clear stuff in a bottle. Smells like peroxide, and she says to you 'now this may sting a little.' It doesn’t just sting a little right? Hurts like hell for like 20 intense seconds but then wears off right?

You can see where I’m going with this can’t you?

Yeah, might have convinced B up there on those beams, that I was really okay if it hadn’t been for my instant regret of touching that cut. Followed by squinting of the eyes and sharp sucky intake of breath when that stinging, 'ouch you said it would only hurt a little' shit started happening, and there is fuck all you can do to stop it. Man it stung like hell. There was nothing I could to hide the fact it stung like hell. Except start willing it to not hurt and not start bleeding again. You can do that you know? Will something to stop hurting. It’s part of the slayer package I think, or maybe it’s something everyone has, that whole mind over matter shit I bet T-T-Tara is into. Except it doesn’t seem to work real well when I do it. Just take a look at the mess my heart has been in for the past couple of months. I had no chance of stopping that screwed up hurt face up on those beams last night, when I hadn’t been able to stop my heart from bleeding each time she is near.

So I’m really trying to stay with the hard as nails version of Faith that’s seen me through similar times like this when I don’t want anyone to see me flinch, especially not her. And I’m now reconsidering why I even bothered to crawl out of bed today ‘cause let’s face it, we all know when I try to do the right thing it always backfires on me. Seems like now was no different. But just as I am on the brink of accepting defeat, probably for the first time in my life, and leaving the hero stuff to B, she reaches out her hand to my face and wipes some of the blood that’s trickling down my cheek away.

“I’m glad you’re here.”

That’s it. There go the last of my emotions that were locked down inside and now I’m at the mercy of the girl in front of me, her hand still resting on my cheek.

Okay whatever you say here Faith, it’s got to be the real you that says it. You know you have to go with the honesty for once, even if it’s not exactly the right time and place to do it.

“B, about the other night…” Shit the words are sticking in my mouth, god damn it! My mouth has done that dry trick again, any minute now I’m gonna choke, I know it.

“We don’t have to talk about it now.”

Her voice is different. Colder again maybe. She doesn’t want to hear this right now, and I don’t blame her but still. I need to say this before I lose whatever it is inside me that’s making me do this. I need to say it before she takes her hand away from my face and I go back to being dead inside, as that’s how I’ve felt ever since I turned away from her at the Bronze.

“No please, listen. I’m so sor…”

Went chicken didn’t I? Couldn’t bring myself to utter that word, ‘cause hell it’s not a word that’s in my limited vocabulary right?

Uh-uh. I almost got the word out, at the same time as I was reaching up to the hand that was now cupping the side of my face with the intent of taking it in my own hand and never letting it go.

I almost got there when this happened.

“Get your hands off her.”

Army Boy, your timing really fucking sucks you bastard.

“You gonna make me?” Hey nice one Faith. The bitch is back and for once aiming her venom at someone who deserves it.

“If I have to.”

Ha! It’s about time I had a good laugh this evening.

“Be my guest Army Boy. Let’s see how long you last shall we?”

I have this vague idea at this point, this distant awareness that B has recoiled back from me and is doing her frowny hurt face again. It could have been aimed at me or at the asshole that had managed to do it again and interrupt the moment when all the walls between me and B are down. I didn’t know which the other night and I sure as shit didn’t have the time nor the focus to find out either.

But whatever B was feeling toward me and toward Army Boy was well hidden by the slayer resolve that escapes me so often, and any macho crap me and him were gonna get into she was just not gonna stand for.

“Stop it both of you.”

I was gonna go with ‘he started it’. You know, in that whiny voice I’ve heard Dawnie use when Mrs S insists she has to clean up her own mess for once, but I look at the expression in B’s eyes and if people have called me a dumbass before now, they wouldn’t have at that moment, ‘cause for once I chose the right course of action and stayed silent.

B was about to lose her cool that look in her eyes told me. And I really didn’t want to be on the receiving end of it when the slightest raised voice could not only tip us off that high beam we were on, but would also tip off the hell demon we were supposed to be making a house-call to that he wasn’t alone now.

Pity Army Boy didn’t have the same idea really. Or actually no it wasn’t a pity now I come to think about it.

“She started it Buffy.”

Could you be more lame asshole?

I might have sniggered at him at this point but luckily B’s anger was pretty much raised, and she didn’t even give me a second glance. Instead those emerald eyes of hers were for once showing their contempt for that son of a bitch in a look I’ve only dreamt she’d give him.

“For god’s sake Riley grow up. I don’t have time for your ego to be offended right now. Faith and I have a job to do, so either shut up and let us do it or else…”

She trailed off, don’t know why. I could sure think of a million things to end that sentence with, ‘or else fuck off’ was the first one that sprung to mind.

“Or else what?” Army Boy’s square jaw is clenching. Oh he’s mad B, better be careful now.

“Let’s just get this over with shall we?”

Ever the diplomat there B. But I wasn’t gonna argue. We’d spent far too much time up there as it was, and I sure as shit could use a fight to work off all the sudden tension in the air. I’m guessing B felt the same way.

“So what’s the plan then B?” Keeping it on a safe and purely professional path from now on I’m thinking. For my effort I don’t get the cold stony stare Army Boy got.

“Well I was thinking of going in there and kicking some demon ass then breaking out the Ben and Jerry’s. Should be simple enough don’t ya think Faith?”

I only nod, trying to hide the grin that wanted to break out all across my face ‘cause B was acting normal with me again. Didn’t trust my voice to get in on the act and not ruin things again, you know?

I followed the Slayer through to the other side…

…and shortly after all hell broke loose.

 


	14. Chapter 14

_(September 2000 cont)_

Hell. That pretty much sums up my life. Last night was no different. Except for the part when it was.

It’s getting lighter outside. The crack in the curtains is shining a faint beam of light on B’s face. B’s sleepy, bruised face. But I can tell she’s already started to heal herself. Guess she has more control over that than I do. Come tomorrow I bet there is hardly a sign of the good fight we fought. And the less good fight that followed it. When all theBig Bads were dusted and speared and stabbed, and she shouldn’t have had to face the one bad that was left in town. The one that she didn’t even see coming.

I mean, how was she to know _that_ would happen? Pity one of those slayer dreams we have never tipped her off that this was on the horizon. Maybe she could have prevented it herself, and that bruise on her cheek wouldn’t be evidence staring back at her in the mirror when she wakes up. Bringing the tears on like I know it will if it doesn’t heal by morning.

 How’s she gonna feel then? I’m starting to doubt that things will be five-by-five between us despite what we shared last night. What I did for her, what I told her. How it made my insides loosen and I finally felt the darkness melt away. When I finally felt this hell I’ve been living drift into something someone like Red or T-T-Tara would say was heaven. All because I’d finally managed to say the words that I’d choked on a million times before. The words…

 …I love you B.

What if she wakes up and bolts? What if it’s all too much for her?

Everything that I said, everything he did, everything I gave in retaliation.

Everything.

I could still be living that hell if she runs away from me again.

Well maybe by the time the sun is fully up and she is awake I’ll have finished this thing I have to do and she will look at me and smile, and if not…

…at least I know what is expected of me in hell.

Okay on with the recall.

Whereas on our side of that big fortress-like door was all dark and hidden in shadows Form’s main lair was definitely how I remembered it. Light, big and nowhere to hide yourself away till the right moment came along. The one thing we had going in our favour was that no one had caught on to the fact that they had guests dropping in on them. So at least we managed to get down the other side. Man did I feel better about not being up so high with Army Boy only a few inches away within easy pushing distance. _T_ _hat_ was an urge it took a lot to control. Hey accidents happen right? If I had just given in to the bitch one more time and done it. Pushed him over the edge like I saw myself doing when he leaned a little too close for comfort out of that small window me and B had crawled through, how much simpler would my life be?

But things were back to five-by-five again. At least in terms of Slayer Control. Time to do that ancient Chosen One shit and make like the good guy Faith. You down with that? Had to be last night man, finally in a position to face off with that Form Guy I had no choice but to be ‘Protector of the Innocent’ one more time. So I locked back down again the emotions inside and gave a warning glance to Army Boy. A look which I intended to mean ‘get her hurt and I’ll kill you.’ 

Guess he didn’t understand what that look meant in the long run. 

We’re crouched in the only corner of the room that wasn’t being bathed in the light of what the demons had going on in there. And don’t ask me what it was Giles had discovered they were up to, or what it was that Form Guy was here in our quaint corner of Hell for, ‘cause when demons and vamps all get together like this all you have to know is it ain’t for a bakeoff. At a rough guess I’d say we were facing a dozen vamps give or take a few, it wasn’t like there was time for a roll-call. And at least half a dozen stray demons that I’ve caught sight of before around these parts. I even thought I saw one of those Slime Demon assholes that had pissed B off so much skulking in the far corner. Well Army Boy can have that one I remember thinking. Seeing the lame jock get covered in demon shit would have been a fun end to my evening for sure.

So we’ve got a pretty big motherfucking demon party going on in here, and I have to admit it crossed my mind for like a brief second that we weren’t going to make it out of here alive. There was just no way the three of us - hey I had to include him, wasn’t like he was just gonna sit there on the bench with the water cooler - could get through all of Form’s demon protection and live to tell the tale over a beer down at the Bronze.

But it was just a brief second you know?

Then something familiar started happening.

I started to feel it.

That power I know B feels too when the big fight is about to start. The adrenaline starts to kick in and my breathing slows down, already conserving itself for the workout I’m about to give my body. No shakes or fear or wiggy thoughts about not making it out alive. Just that growing feeling of power. The slayer in me wants to come out to play and I start to smile. B looks over to me then and I can see she is feeling the power grow. I see her give me a little nod of her head as if to say ‘yeah I feel it too’. And that’s another thing that probably pisses Army Boy off. The way me and B are in sync ‘cause something beyond weird happened and the world ended up with two slayers. So both of us share the feeling, the power. And just before the last few seconds of calm between us evaporate I get to see that look in B’s eyes once again. The look that usually stops me in my tracks but last night it helped to do the exact opposite. The look I hope I get the chance to see again in her eyes.

“Don’t get hurt Faith.”

I like to think that B needed to do more than just look at me for once and tell me in words what her heart was thinking.

“Same goes for you.” I barely managed to whisper it but least I’d got to return her sincerity with some of my own, which let’s face it is pretty much a first for me.

She kinda smiles at me, saying with her eyes that she has no intention of getting her ass kicked by these mother fuckers, or even getting a stain on her sweater when it comes down to it. And I like seeing her as all confident and assured slayer. Doesn’t make me feel second best like it has in the past. You know, ‘cause she is always the one with the cool head on her shoulders. The one who really can believe in herself because she’s had years of love and support from people telling her to believe in herself while I’ve had a whole heap of shit piled on to me, a lot of it my own doing I know. But right then when I saw her focus, when I saw her eyes brighten the way they do when she knows she is gonna win the fight, I don’t feel like I’m only fit to crawl out from under a rock. That I don’t even deserve to carry the title ‘Slayer’ when the world has B fighting its corner against the evil everyone is too blind to see around them.

No, when I saw her smile and looked into her eyes, I felt for the first time since I met her that I was her equal in this. I felt like I was a slayer too. Like a proper Chosen One Slayer who wanted to kill the Big Bad demon not because I love a good fight, but because it was the right thing to do. After all this time acting like the renegade black sheep of the Scooby Gang, I finally felt like I deserved to be there with B. And this time I wasn’t going to let anything bring me down and make me think otherwise. Not even when Army Boy came out with this...

“...Say Faith there are some mean looking vamps over there. Want some back up so the Slayer can take out the big guy?”

You think that’s funny Army Boy? He’s smirking at me, crouched alongside B, but not looking at her so misses when her face turns into another scowl I’m glad I’m not on the receiving end of.

“Riley!”

She whispers it so not to draw attention to our little invading party but man you couldn’t escape the harshness of her tone.

“Do you really think it’s wise to piss off both slayers who will be saving _your_ ass when one of those vamps gets a little peckish?”

Can anyone say psyche!?

Ha! That shut old cardboard features up. He gave B a stern look of his own, one that said ‘oh we’re so going to talk about that when this is over,’ but B just stared back as good as she got. In the end Army Boy looked away, his ego once again looking like a party balloon after the toughest kid in school stomped on it.

"Right, Faith and I are heading for the ‘big guy’ whilst you provide _both_ Slayers with backup. Give him some extra stakes.” She nodded to me motioning to the bulge in my jacket, and I was about to protest but B began to raise those eyebrows of hers again, and I realised it would be wise not to argue this point with her. I slapped them in his hand, curling a contemptible grin in return for the loathing I saw shooting out of his eyes.

“I think we’re gonna need that axe of yours Faith so be ready.” B’s voice is all focused determined slayer.

“I’m always ready B, you know that.” And my voice was the one that makes the Slayer blush sometimes. Even now with the potential of death staring us in the face and reaching out with its cold hard fingers, B’s cheeks reddened a little.

There’s not much she can say to that, and I was just hoping Army Boy was gonna get all masculine pride on me again but he contented himself with clenching that square jaw of his.

Oh well on with the show then.

B and I gave a simple nod to each other and then we let the Slayer within us completely take over.

WHAM!

I staked a vamp before anyone in there realised they had houseguests. A cloud of dust exploded before me and when it cleared the surprise on all their faces was enough to make me laugh. But the jollies didn’t last long as two other vamps, along with some big demon with a wicked lacerated face lunged for me, and I had to pull off a high-kick followed by one of my trademark back flips to get out of their way. It was the demon I caught with my boot as I flipped and he’s bending over, wheezing, puss and some black gooey shit pouring from the gashes on his face. I looked around for the two vamps that had accompanied Wheezy, ready with my stake in case they had the advantage on me, but just saw some more bursts of dust and the figure of B appeared when it cleared. A stake in either hand and a smug kind of smile on her face. A double staking is always a difficult thing to pull off and B just stood there as if she’d just aced a math test.

“Nice move.” I said to her. She turned to say something to me but I didn’t catch it as Wheezy has caught his breath and he’s back for round two.

The blows are coming hard and fast now. I don’t see so much as feel what’s happening around me. I feel where the next punch is coming from and move to block it with my hands. Something is coming from behind me and I duck down and whatever it was gets pulled over my shoulder, a quick snap of my boot across his neck and there’s a dead demon on the ground. A sound to my left. A feral snarl that tells me it’s a vamp, so I pull my stake from where it’s tucked in the back of my pants and while I hit out with my left hand, bringing my knee up for good measure, I plunge that stake in his chest and it’s dust-bunny time again. It’s all happening so fast yet it’s like I’m moving in slow motion. I’m acting out of instinct but it’s like every move I make, every defence, every attack is thought out and planned in advance. I guess that’s why Giles trains us so hard, and why in the past B has been better at these full-scale demon fights than me – she’s been doing it a lot longer.

Only thing is we’re nowhere near the Formorii and the Big Bads just keep on coming.

They're fucking everywhere man.

From every angle I seem to be getting lunged at. I get knocked to the ground. Some lucky demon fuck who’s gonna wish he didn’t do that is standing over me with these claw-like hands, and I feel a kick to my side which winds me even further. I snap my head to the side to see who did that and I realise it wasn’t a kick at all, it was Army Boy landing feet first in my side. Beyond him I see one of the super-vamps that had caned me so much awhile back advancing on the stupid prick. And it looks as though Army Boy ain’t moving ‘cause he took a whack to the head just like I did that time. Now that’s what I call ironic, don’t you think?

Of course I was gonna have to save him. Man did that suck.

So not only did I have to get rid of Clawhands, who was drooling at the mouth above me, slime bubbling up over gnarly teeth that make vamps look like they’ve had cosmetic dentistry, I had to off the super-vamp as well, which was not easier said than done _and_ drag cardboard features off to the side some place out of my way. To either wake up and fight another day or lay there and get killed, I really wasn’t beating myself up over which option he’d go for if you know what I mean.

Clawhands had been the easy one to kill. When I realised it was Army Boy lying there and what was coming after him - because let’s face it to a man-hungry vamp cardboard features is quite the tasty morsel – I did the oldest trick in the book and thank fuck demons are as stupid as they look sometimes.

“Oh shit look over there.” I pointed over Clawhands shoulder, my voice all high and amazed. He actually fell for it looking around expecting to see fuck knows what, but giving me the chance to reach for the knife in my boot and stick it right through his midsection.

Nice one Faith!

He looked all confused there for a few seconds seeing my hand retrieve the knife from his middle, watching what passes as blood for him oozing out - thick and gooey like most demons, this one a more browny colour though - then let out some wicked high-pitched scream that I think drew the attention of everyone within a ten-mile radius. I know for like a half-second everything just stopped in that warehouse. The vamps stopped their snarls. B stopped her slayer stuff. The demons all stopped their demony shit. I bet even Form Guy stopped whatever his mojo was doing. But in an instant time was back to ticking again. The noise resumed, I heard B yell ‘Oh no you don’t, not this sweater!’ which made me smile, and I heard the approach of the super-vamp.

Right Faith Act Two would be nice.

I left Clawhands to die his death whatever way his kind died it, and spun around on my back, so my legs swung out and caught the super-vamp in the face just as he was about to throw himself on to Army Boy.

And I have this voice that’s whispering in my head. The voice of the Bitch back at the Bronze, and the voice of the slayer that killed that vamp weeks ago in the cemetery imagining it had been Army Boy. It’s telling me not to do anything. It’s saying how everything would be better, simpler, easier if Army Boy wasn’t here. And it wouldn’t be like I did it myself, it wouldn’t be my wooden stake in his chest that killed him. Fuck he was a soldier dying in battle right? Ain’t that what he was trained for?

Oh yeah that voice was busy inside my head and it was beginning to make sense.

While the super-vamp regained his composure, looking around to find who it was that had tripped him up, and I was getting to my feet loosening up ready for the next fight, that voice in there started coming through loud and clear, and I almost listened to it.

Almostgave in to the dark one last time.

Till I realised that _she_ would know what had happened. Even if she wasn’t watching out for her honey’s ass and was concentrating as she was on the demons that were ganging up on her over the other side of the room from us, she would still know. She might not want to believe it, and maybe she'd even try and justify it in that way she does when uncomfortable shit happens around her that she just can't deal with, and perhaps she'd not really blame me for it, because Army Boy treats me like dirt and there's only so much of that I can take.

But all the same, she'd know I'd done nothing to help save him and where would that leave the two of us?

Yeh, exactly. I wasn't about to let _that_ ruin my chance at a life with her.

Like I said though, getting rid of the super-vamp wasn’t as quick and easy as Clawhands had been. We face off against each other, he knows it was me that sent him flying and caused the tear in his face where my boot heel caught him, and he’s trying to look all meanass and menacing. Like no one had told him about the slayer before.

He was all...

“...You’re gonna pay for that girlie.”

And I’m...

“...Yeh, bring it on you Anne Rice reject.”

And we’re matching each other blow for blow. Like this guy’s predecessor he is packing some serious dead-weight, pardon the pun, and I remember what it was like getting whacked last time I was here, feeling hopeless when B needed me. His arms seem longer than humanly possible. Should that be inhumanly possible? Whateverhis arms were long and he stretched out, catching me by the forearms ‘cause I thought I had enough space to be out of his reach when I hadn’t. We’re conducting this little dance of death over Army Boy’s prone body. Like it was a battle line that neither of us could cross, and mistake number one on the Slayer Scale, I misjudged the distance and FUCK the super-vamp has me in his grasp.

He hauls me over Army Boy. I remember being impressed for like a second that the vamp could just pick me up like I was a rag-doll. Before he gets his chance to go for my jugular, as I so could see that was what he was aiming for, and also knowing if I tried anything with my legs it would have the desired effect but would probably leave me on my ass too, I closed my eyes and head butted the fucker. Man that’s not a move me or the Slayer do too often ‘cause it hurts like a mother when you connect with those creases. You have to be careful of the teeth too. Aim it too low and you get puncture wounds on your chin, like the vamp attacking you was blind or stupid and started biting the wrong place. But it was the only move I had to make and I sure as shit made it count.

Super-vamp let go of me immediately and I dropped a couple of feet to the ground. Meanwhile he’s flailing backwards gripping his face and I can see more clearly now that I managed to shatter his nose. Cool. But it’s made him mad, and let me tell you now a super-vamp mad is worse than Red when she doesn’t get her morning mocha.

How long is this gonna go on for, I start to think.

Roundhouse kick, side block, uppercut.

We’ve been fighting how long now and we’re still not done with the entrées?

Right arm block, duck down, jump a low leg sweep, CRACK!

Broke a rib, his not mine.

And where is B through all this? Don’t see her anywhere.

Double-block, counterpunch to face, roundhouse his left side, turn back roundhouse the other side. WHACK!

His jaw is on the other side of his face.

Okay this is so over for me now, time to move on to the main course.

And looky here B is thinking the same thing, she’s piling them up like it was a winter storm and she has to clear a path to the sidewalk.

Back kick with heel to face vamp goes down.

Another kick to his midsection making sure he stays there.

Reaching for my stake. Finding it. Holding it. Staking it. BAM!

No more super-vamp.

Phew, are we nearly there yet?

I dragged Army Boy as far away from the action as I could given the time scale and given the fact there really was no space to stash him, and I had to be on the look out for any more of those super-vamps. Left him behind some crates I figured was good a place as any. Lent down to him checking if he was dead or not ‘cause I knew B would want to know when we hooked up for the big kill. Out like a light. Guess his head is as soft as his dick.

“Sleep tight Army Boy.” I slapped his cheek a few times, not hard enough to leave a bruise but it gave me a kick to do it anyway.

Then I made my way over to B.

So the score stands at Slayer Team 1 Demon Gang 0. The one standing for the fact that we got rid of most of the vamps and bad guys in our way without getting killed or seriously hurt. When I get to the other side where B has just finished staking another vamp and is now crouched behind a big support column, I do a quick mental health check of both me and the Slayer. I look her over while she is re-grouping herself. She’s tucking stakes in her back pocket and loosening her shoulders just like I’ve seen her do a thousand times in training. She looks okay and I release a breath of relief I didn’t even know I’d taken in. Then B catches me looking at her, or maybe with her sensitive slayer hearing she heard that relief fall from my lips. Either way she has to be able to see the look on my face. Relief that she’s okay, pain ‘cause we still haven’t really said much to each other about the Bronze, about everything really.

And for a moment the warehouse we’re in along with all the scum inside there melts away, and it’s like that moment back when we danced at the Bronze the other night. The world is just made up of the two of us again. We’re it. We’re the only ones alive and I have nothing standing in my way this time of telling B the truth about how I feel. Her green eyes are locking with my brown. She’s looking a little pensive, her breath is catching in her throat, I can see her neck muscles hitch a little and hear the small gasps. We’re close. Close like we were when I held in her my arms before Bitch Faith showed up with a bottle of tequila.

And the world still isn’t invading on us.

So why the hell can’t I say it? Fuck!

I know it’s not exactly the ideal time to go into this discussion but there was nothing stopping me from doing it you know? B even looks as though she wants to hear it. Her eyes locked with mine. I’ve gone all Senior Prom on her again, and my confident deserving equal slayer I found before looking at her face like I’m looking at her now, is nowhere to be found. I’m back to being dumb old Faith again, second guessing that the Slayer feels anything other than pity for me. Even if she is looking at me with anything but pity in her eyes.

CRASH!

WHAT THE FUCK?

The world was back bringing with it the demons and the Formorri with a vengeance. That crash we just heard was a ball of fire coming from we guessed Form Guy, directed at us or rather the concrete column we were crouched behind. Enough to break me and B from our existence of two and remind us that we had some more killing to do.

“He sounds pissed off.” B has an amazing talent for stating the obvious sometimes.

“Wouldn’t you be if someone crashed your party and started killing all your guests?” I smiled after I said it, at least I think I’m funny. B just gives me that ‘you’re not funny’ look which makes me smile even more when I see it.

Getting serious again quickly though as another fireball hits the wall behind us and showers us with debris. Time to put an end to this I’m thinking.

“B you take him from the left,” I motion behind her to where there are less vamps and a clear dark path to Form Guy. “I’ll come from the front and distract him so you get a clean shot.”

But B doesn’t like that plan.

“No!” Was that a trace of panic in her voice?

“What do you mean no?”

We really don’t have the time to discuss this so I’m wondering what the Slayer is thinking, at the same time as trying to protect us both underneath my jacket from the warehouse as it gets blasted around us.

“Well it’s just I always get to kill the Big Bad…and I was just thinking how unfair that is for you…not that there is glory and prestige involved here but it gets a bit samey me going back and saying…I came I saw I slayed…so well I was thinking that you take the left and I’ll do the decoy thing for once, ‘cause you know we should mix it up a bit, every team needs to change their act once and awhile or else you get booed off the stage.”

B is doing a Buffy Babble in the middle of flaming balls of fire being shot at us, big sections of roof and wall falling down around us and a big, pissed off super demon wanting us dead. Okay. Just wanted to make it clear what was going on is all.

“Huh?” Good response Faith. That was what my brain was thinking, that and ‘what the fuck is she talking about?’ but I figured the shorter version of that sentence B would appreciate most.

B takes in another breath and I think she is going to do another babble, which we so don’t have time to hear so I get ready to interrupt. But as happens so often with the Slayer and me lately B surprises me with what she actually says.

“The last time you said ‘go kill this guy and I’ll distract him’ you almost ended up dead yourself. I’m not going to let that happen again. I can’t lose you Faith.”

Oh.

My.

God.

Faith is silent. Faith is wide-eyed. Faith’s heart is beating a million times too fast. Faith can’t breathe properly. Faith finally knows the right thing to say and do.

“Hey B, you ain’t ever gonna lose me.”

And right after I say that to her I lean closer, didn’t really have to lean that much as we were pretty close anyway, and I press my lips to the soft red lips I’ve been dreaming about for what has felt like forever.

It’s not a hard predatory kiss like I know I’ve given in the past. I can feel B’s lips beneath mine respond to me which only adds to my resolve that neither of us shall be leaving here tonight in a body bag.

It’s the sweetest, most gentle kiss I have ever experienced. The type of kiss that you never want to end.

But it does end. I actually pulled away from B first.

Not giving her a chance to say anything or go red with embarrassment eyeing me eyeing her, I slip the axe into her hand and nod again to the darker, clearer path up to Form Guy.

“Go kill.”

Was the last thing I said to her before I went full slayer force into the fray again, this time determined not to get hurt and prove myself a liar. And all I could think about as a squared up to the one demon that was left in my way was…

...I kissed the Slayer. And she kissed me back..

A smile you don’t usually see when you’re fighting demons appeared on my face and I didn’t care who saw Big Bad Faith acting all loved up from one kiss.

But I should have cared.

Should have cared who could see me then and who could see me before. When I finally felt the Slayer’s lips beneath my own.

Oh yeah, I really should have cared about that…

 


	15. Chapter 15

_(September 2000 cont)_

I want this to be over now.

I am so close to ripping the pages out of this goddamn book.

So close to the anger and the pain of before.

What the fuck am I doing this for? ‘Cause B is sleeping in my room and I can’t and it’s not fair to switch the Playstation on? Lame much. If that’s why I’m doing this then I’m burning this motherfucker now…

…who’s gonna read this shit anyway? It’s not like I’m gonna let any of the Scoobies have a read, or lend it to B when she has some down time and ask her to give me marks out of ten for style and grammar. And do _I_ really want to read over this again when it’s taking all the will power and slayer control I have left to get through simply writing it down in the first place?

 In the past it’s always helped me to go over things in here. Things I’d never say to anyone else. About how I feel. What I think. Hell the very notion that Big Bad Faith has feelings and is capable of thought is preposterous (a Giles-ism) according to most of the Scoobies. If I actually tried saying in person what I can and can’t so easily write down in here…

 …well let’s face it I wouldn’t do something like that.

So because I can’t say it out loud I sit here bunched up in the crappy chair by the low lamp that’s beginning to strain my eyes. Watching the sun become brighter on B’s face, all the time seeing how peacefully the Slayer is sleeping. Wondering about all the shit from last night and all the other shit that came before it. Thinking about what might happen next when she wakes up. Most of all trying, desperately trying, to bring this to an end before she interrupts me and my life goes to Hell again if she doesn’t return the words I said to her last night. 

No Faith.

You’re not going into that now.

It’s bad enough that in my head I got anger and hate warring with each other, like they were when we’d finally killed that big demon fuck last night. Add to that the doubts and fears about how B is gonna react come morning, and I really do think it will send me over the edge.

Okay, so I’m walking the knife’s edge here, bear with me if this takes awhile to get myself back on the main highway.

So I’m facing off against another demon, not as big or as menacing as Clawhands earlier or strong as one of the super-vamps. It’s giving me no trouble to get rid of it and I catch that the Slayer is approaching Form Guy, ready with the axe I gave her. I’m down to my last stake I suddenly realise, which ain’t much use when you are facing off against a demon, but I do have the blade that got rid of Clawhands still tucked in my boot, and I think to myself, it’s just gonna have to do ‘cause it was now or never time, you know?

Last thought I managed before the one that so closely resembled a prayer came rushing through my head, hoping that B wouldn’t get herself killed trying to kill the Formorii demon, was that Red and the rest of the Scoobies back at the shop were still working their mojo, and this didn’t turn into another slayer-butt-kicking fest like last time.

But on that score I needn’t have worried.

Not that the Formorii went easily that is.

Remember he was a big demon fuck. That’s what had spooked me and B before, the sheer size of him. Well, and this is purely hypothetical here, but it looked as though he had shrunk a few sizes. Seriously man, from the angle I was looking at, and admittedly I’m dodging those fireballs again and trying to throw the chunks of concrete and crap that are falling down on me back at him, so I’m not exactly with the perfect view. But from where I was it did look like something had shrunk him. Not by any great amount so all B would have to do is squish him under foot like she did that one time at Halloween. Forget the name of that demon there’s been so fucking many you know? But Form Guy was beginning to look less like a threat and more your common garden variety of scum we slayers are used to killing.

And I’m also gonna go with the hypothetical here that all this is down to what Giles and Red had going on back at the Magic Box – go team Scooby is all I say.

The one thing I had to keep focused on was not getting hit by one of those fireballs, and to keep dodging out of the way of what they eventually hit ricocheting back at me.

Another sure thing that kept creeping into mind last night was as soon as we killed this fucker, we were gonna have to get our asses out of there so fast. That warehouse wasn’t gonna keep standing much longer with all the fireballs flying around. And I don’t know what B’s thoughts on the matter are, but I know I don’t want my obit’ in the Watcher’s Weekly to read ‘Slayers crushed in freak warehouse collapse.’ Not exactly the blaze of glory we both deserve is it?

But all that is after we kill the Formorii, right then and there I was doing the dodge-ball thing. Only slightly less lethal than the version I remember playing in Gym Class.

I watched B very stealthily approach Form Guy from the side. The axe and the glint in her emerald eyes making her look like a killer, rather than a slayer for a few seconds. It gave me a weird chill to see that look on her face when I know it is almost the exact mirror of the look I used to wear. Back when things were crazy between me and the others. Back when I cared nothing for slaying but got to taste killing a little, and the taste was tantalisingly sweet.

That’s an expression I don’t wear anymore (we’re not including what I did to that vamp in place of Army Boy, in fact we’re not even going there okay?) and it was an expression that didn’t last long in the eyes of B now. I think she was just getting focused and like me, wanted this to be over with before either of us got killed. But still, seeing her girl-next-door eyes go psycho for a moment gave me brief pause to think what she sees in my eyes sometimes…thankfully I didn’t have to contemplate the thought too much as another wave of fireballs flew their way to me, but by now I’m down with dodging them and they barely singe my leather.

Now, unlike some lame jocks I could mention that have screwed up similar surprise attacks in the past by watching where B moved and showing on his face for the entire world to see that there was someone behind you, I didn’t tip Form Guy off at all. I’m not sure how I managed not to focus and follow B’s every move just to make sure nothing happened to her, but I did it all the same. Comes down to trust I guess. In the end I had to trust B that she’d be okay and would take care of herself, just like she had to trust that I would do the same thing. The end result of this kind of trust and simple belief that the other person on your team has it covered, meant in our case when B took her first swing at Form Guy with the axe, he literally didn’t know what hit him.

A screech, louder than anything we’d heard before, louder even than the deafening cry that demon with the lacerated face gave out earlier on when I stuck it to him, echoed around the warehouse as soon as B made that first impression with the axe.

A long high-pitched wail.

I swear it shook the ground we were on and the pillars that were left holding up the warehouse shuddered a bit too much for my liking. It hurt your ears too. Not enough to burst ‘em or do serious damage, but made it difficult to keep focused on the here and now around you. Part of you wanting to put your hands over your ears to try and block that blood-curdling sound out, and the other part knowing that you needed at least one hand to keep hold of the weapon you’d picked up.

In amongst all this, I remember thinking to myself that killing Form Guy was going to be wicked difficult not because of his demon strength or well thought out battle plan, it was going to be wicked difficult to kill him if we couldn’t get him to shut the fuck up in the first place!

Dawned on me a second slower than it did the Slayer.

That wail wasn’t exactly the Form Guy crying out in pain. He was calling for reinforcements.

Why do I think B knew this before me?

‘Cause a second before I was about to become a headless slayer she shouted out to me, her voice all panicky and loud.

“Faith look out!”

A demon I could have sworn I’d killed twice already that night had a big chunk of wood that had fallen from the roof in his hands, and was aiming it straight at my head. If B hadn’t seen it first I’d be finding it a little hard to focus on this book right now, get it? Okay, so now it’s kinda funny, when it happened I had a brief thought of…

…‘What the fuck?!’

Then an even briefer reaction to the incoming wood…

…duck!

The rest was just instinct after that. Not even a passing thought for B and how she was doing against the screeching old Form Guy was getting down to. I had a new wave of supervamps to contend with. Fuck knows where they sprang up from. You’d have thought we’d killed every last fucker in there the way we fought first time around, but no. I had to pull a steal to third base even though my lungs were beginning to burn with the workout I was giving my body. And my fists had done that blue-black thing over the knuckles, a few of them bloodied.

But I had to keep on fighting.

From somewhere deep inside, so far inside that it takes intense pressure during a fight to bring her out, the first Primal Slayer lies within me. As I receive a vicious fist to the face from a super-vamp I feel her rise to the surface. If there was still a part of me that felt like a killer it would be when she comes out to help me fight. There is just something inherently evil about the first slayer. Something slightly off kilter. Like she might have killed a few innocent people in her time. She might have made the mistakes I did. I’ve never asked B if she feels the original Chosen One come to the surface during a hard battle like this. It’s not really something I want to admit to nor find out from pure, innocent Buffy, that it’s something she savours as much as I do. I mean how would you bring it up in conversation?

‘You know, when we fight you ever feel like going primal on the vamp’s ass, and ripping the dead skin off his dead body to make a halter-top with?’

Yeah I know, I’d never wear a halter-top.

Well even if the first slayer makes me a little jumpy and edgy when she rears her ugly head out from deep within me, last night I was sure glad she showed up. I had the extra strength to keep the super-vamps off me, and more importantly out of reach of B, as she did battle with the Formorii. And man, did that guy not want to leave his party early.

I didn’t see all of it. And what with everything that happened afterwards it’s hardly been appropriate to get the transcript off of B. But I saw enough to know she had the same problem I was having with the vamps. Slayer energy levels were slipping and he was nowhere near dead enough. Somehow the axe had gotten thrown aside and it was out of her reach. It became my priority to get that back to her, but I just couldn’t get close enough without risking bringing the vamps closer to her, and she already had enough on her plate. I could see she had no other weapon to hand. ‘Bad form’ as Giles might have commented had this been one of his role-playing training sessions. She was doing what she did best though, to keep Form Guy from hurting her too badly. High kicks, and back flips, and roundhouse kicks, and double blocks. Man she’ll have bruises for days I remember thinking.

Then I see an opening. A chance she has to get Formorii right where it hurts if only she had a weapon. He’s severely winded after the last blow she dealt him, I’m thinking Wicca interference again, and he’s left himself wide open. If only B had a knife or something. Well I had a knife, admittedly right then it was the only thing keeping the super-vamp before me at bay ‘cause every time he came near I stuck it to him, but fuck it, right? B had to save the world right then and all she had in her arsenal was her lame chicken joke and a mean pair of heels.

“B, catch!”

She didn’t have time to protest my actions this time. With the agility and hand-eye co-ordination us slayers are famous for, B caught the knife, dived straight for the Formorii, aiming for his throat.

One thing all demons have in common with the human race, and proof should you need it that demons are indeed human hybrids gone twisted, is the vulnerability they all have in the neck region, just like us. Ironic isn’t it? It’s the neck the vamps go for, yet if you get a clean swoop with a large enough blade at _their_ necks, they’re the ones literally biting dust. And I’m sure the Formorii the other night thought it a tad ironic that with all his powers and all his muscle having protected him so well for so long, it was a little blonde chick with some wicked moves and a sharp knife that finished him off.

I didn’t catch the death throws even though I could hear them like white noise cranked up to the mega-decimal region. No protection other than my weakening hands and legs against the super-vamp left me super-vulnerable.

Not a bad way to go. I contemplate as he has me pinned to the ground. Still not sure how he did that.

Okay so this is it. I’ve been here before, vamp above me poised with his teeth to make his mark, only this time I’ve run out of strength to kick him off of me. He’s wrapped his hand around my throat so I can’t even call for B’s help. And as he’s choking me at the same time as beginning to bite into my neck, all I can think about are the words that I want to say to B…

…I love you.

I do. I love you B. Can’t remember a time that I didn’t love you. Don’t want to think about when I never knew you. When you weren’t the huge part of my life that you are now.

I love you.

A lot of good that was doing me last night. The vamp’s teeth piercing the skin on my neck and me going all gooey-T-T-Tara like over my feelings for B. And what the hell point had there been in keeping ‘em buried for so long if I wasn’t gonna fight now to stay alive and finally tell the girl how I feel? Only I really didn’t have the strength to fight anymore…

…and as luck would have it neither did super-vamp. All the stabs I gave him with my knife and the mess I made of his ribs finally caught up with him once old Form Guy finally bit the dust. Even though he wanted to have me as his last meal he couldn’t quite manage to suck as hard as he could have if his boss with all the extra juice he gave him was still around. He starts to falter, winces a few times as he realises he has a few gaping holes in his midsection that aren’t healing anymore. What little morsel of strength I had left, what small part of the Primal Slayer still runs through my veins manages to force him off me, so both of us are lying prone on the floor. But he’s not finished off yet and rule one of Slayerdom, don’t leave a vamp alive even if they look half dead.

I look around the floor near me for a stake, or piece of wood, or goddamn it _anything_ that would pierce this fucker’s un-beating heart. Of course there wasn’t anything, ‘cause that would just be too fucking easy. And I’m just thinking I’m about to face death again, ‘cause the vamp has some mobility back and he’s trying to crawl over to me, when he gets that completely shocked look to his face that I’ve seen on vamps before, just before they turn to dust. They know that they’re about to meet their version of the Grim Reaper, whatever that can be for things already dead, and they get this confused, surprised, whiny look to their faces, ever noticed that? This particular super-vamp’s expression was textbook, with the added extra of his head rolling towards me, so I got to see it up close before he exploded into dust.

B had found the axe. Kinda fitting that she should use it in saving my sorry ass don’t you think?

I finally see past the dust to the Slayer standing there. Hair a little messed up, blood and dirt mixing in with the peaches and cream complexion I dream about caressing. Clothes that have stains on them you can never get out in the wash, no matter how hard Mrs S tries. Bruises coming up on her hands. One on her face that is already fading. An exhausted, glad-that’s-over expression in her eyes.

She looks beautiful I remember thinking to myself.   
  
And a stupid goofy smile crossed over my face at the thought.

It was finally over between us and the bad guys and we could go home.

And perhaps, when we’re home and things aren’t so crazy in the world me and B can pick up where I left off in the Bronze the other night. I know it probably wasn’t the appropriate time to be thinking that just as we’d killed a shitload of demons. Both looking worse off than I remember either of us being in battle before. And don’t forget the warehouse we were in was in danger of collapse at any moment.

But sometimes you just can’t contain your thoughts and where they lead you. And right then as B walked over to me extending her hand to help me up, all I could think about was holding her tight, and about the brief kiss we shared before all this carnage.

I just couldn’t wipe the smile off my face, nor could I help myself when I felt B’s hand in my own.

“See B, I said you wouldn’t lose me.”

I wouldn’t let go of her hand. In fact I’m pressing it to my face just to feel her skin against mine. She’s shaking a little, whether from adrenaline still pumping through her veins or what I was doing scaring her a little, but she’s not pulling away. Just like she didn’t pull away that night at the Bronze. And because I’ve come this far with her I go a little further. I wrap my arms around her and I bring her into my body, and I hold on as if she was the only beautiful thing left in the world. All the more precious because that is how it feels to be around her. She is the only beautiful thing left in the world. At least she is to me.  

Even though I’ve just seen her go down in the slayer record books for killing off the Formorii the way she did, as I’m holding her I can’t help thinking how fragile she seems.

How small and delicate and there’s that word again, precious.

I always thought so before, but now I had proof in the way B began holding on to me as tightly as I held her. I’d do anything to keep her safe.

And we were about to find out exactly how I’d keep that promise.

Neither of us knew how long we were standing there, holding onto each other so tight you’d think we were the only two to have survived the apocalypse we’d just averted. I know for me time did that stand-still trick it had done in the Bronze when we’d danced. All I can feel, see, hear is B’s body against mine. The shallow breaths that catch in her throat as she gradually lets go of the slayer power, now she no longer needs it so much. Her hand reaching up behind me and clinging onto the torn old leather of my jacket, making it creak as she holds onto it, drawing me in closer to her. The axe falls from her other hand, making a loud clanging noise in the otherwise eerily silent warehouse, but neither of us even flinches.

I’m thinking that this is the right time to tell her, before some other demon comes back from the grave and our attention is diverted again.

In a way it’s got to be now or never, you know?

I figured that after you’ve seen off death as many times as I had that night, you don’t hang around with the important things in life any longer. You don’t choke on the words and second-guess what the Slayer thinks of you.

You just say it.

“B.”

My voice comes out hoarse and rough, lungs still burning and my mouth is so goddamn dry from all the screeching and yelling I’ve been doing. But the Slayer can hear me, and she slowly pulls her head away from my shoulder so she’s looking up at me.

“B.” I repeat, not quite believing what it is I’m about to say.

“Yes?”

B’s voice is as equally rough and very quiet. I wonder if she has any idea what I want to say to her.

I take a deep breath. My hands start to shake where they are holding her. I know she notices. She gives me one of those concerned slayer looks again, making sure I’m not badly injured from the fight. If she interrupts me again and asks me what’s wrong I’ll lose my chance to speak.

_Just say it Faith._

Did I think that? Or did the Slayer speak?

“I love you B.”

I look her in those beautiful eyes when I say it so she can’t misunderstand me, or imagine that I didn’t really mean it, or I intended it as a sisterly-Red kinda love. But just to make sure there are no doubts in the Slayer’s mind, and because suddenly I’m feeling bolder than I’ve ever been in her presence, I whisper it again in her ear.

“I’m in love with you B.”

She lets out a sigh when she hears me a second time. Actually it’s more like a shiver. I feel her whole body react to me. And I’m feeling pretty damn good right now. She hasn’t pushed me away or slapped me or told me to fuck off. Admittedly she hasn’t spoken at all since I told her but hey, gotta give the gal time to process.

Suddenly my world feels a thousand times lighter just from telling the Slayer the truth for once. It’s like what had been weighing me down all these months. What had led to some mother of black moods, even by my standards, suddenly got stripped away and I felt free somehow.

By saying those three words to the Slayer I managed to finally open my heart up to the light that is out there, that I’d always avoided before. The light I always knew deep down I’d feel when I finally took a chance and told B the truth.

For a few moments I enjoyed the sensation. Until darkness descended once more.

This time in the shape of a very human monster.

I got the feeling that we were being watched, you know how that happens sometimes? It’s usually more noticeable when you are the slayer, I think I’ve noted this down before. We’re more akin to the spookiness of eyes on you than your average Joe in the street. And I could feel _his_ eyes upon me a second before I saw him out the corner of my eye, rushing toward me.

He didn’t look too happy, and that’s you know, an understatement or something.

Bitch of it was I think B was about to say something back to me, just as I grabbed her by the forearms and pushed her away. Didn’t want her getting caught when Army Boy lunged for me, which was clearly his intent.

ARGHHHHH!

That’s cardboard features rushing at me. Getting his adrenaline going I guess.

OOMPH!

That’s both of us falling to the ground as I tried to brace myself against him but sometimes you just can’t mess the physics of thing. Besides he’d had a long run up, you know? And for the past shit-knows how long had been conserving his energy out for the count on the ground. While we know what I’d been through in the past half-hour. So shit man, give me some credit that I managed to avoid a full body check completely would you?

“I said…”

BANG!

His hands go to my head and I’m connecting with the stone floor, man I hate when that happens.

“...Get your hands…”

Another crack to the floor, I’m weaker than I thought. 

“...Off my girlfriend!”

He goes to hit my head again and there is really nothing I can do to stop him as I’m getting dazed from all this head banging shit, when B finally finds a voice in all this.

“RILEY!”

He stops, holding my head midway between him and the floor.

“Riley, what are you doing?”

It’s B’s sensitive let’s-calm-the-situation-down voice.

And I’m not exactly breaking out the champagne to hear her all soft toward the bastard who just tried to make a dent in the floor with my head.

“What he’s doing _B_ is trying to fucking kill me.”

Well even if I haven’t got much strength left my mouth can still pack a punch.

“What? I…I don’t know...what just happened?”

This is Army Boy’s attempt at an explanation. He pretends like he doesn’t know how he got on top of me. His hands gripping my head are like these alien things someone else must have put there.

‘Wasn’t me Miss, honest.’

Bullshit! I saw the look in his eyes when he was crashing my head. I know it as the same look I had when I wanted to kill him. So don’t go squirming your way out of it, asshole!

And he’s playing it like a pro for B’s benefit. Pulls his hands away from me real quick so my head goes crashing to the floor again, ‘cause I’m too tired and angry to resist gravity at this point.  

This is where I start to lose it.

It was a reflex action. Not really planned, instinct if you like. Like that time he got too close to me in training and I lashed out. My head cracked against the floor making my vision all swirling white dots and I swear my teeth rattled, so I did what I had every frickin’ right to do. I had one free hand where his thick trunk legs weren’t pinning me down and I balled it up into a fist and let him have it. Right in that stupid square jaw of his.

Turns out I had some slayer strength left in me after all.

He wasn’t expecting that.

Psyche!

He flew backwards, toppling off me and that was all the excuse I needed to give him a taste of his own medicine…see how you like it fucker. Only he was as quick as one of those super-vamps with his recovery position and I don’t get the advantage like I wanted. We’re both rolling around on the floor each trying to get the best hold on the other, kicking and lashing out with our fists whenever we could.

And what is B doing through all this you want to know?

Well she ain’t cheering her honey on like some cheerleader being fought over after the big game, but she ain’t exactly rushing to my aid either. I think I hear her using her indignant voice again to shout at both of us to stop it. But I’m more concerned with paying Army Boy back. To that end I pushed myself away from him ‘cause I was getting sick of rolling around on the floor. Wanted to stand on my own two feet, if you know what I mean. I gave him the time to stand up too. Now no one could say I didn’t give him a fighting chance.

Just when he has managed to drag his sorry ass off the floor, wiping some spit from his mouth like he’s some tough marine or something. At this point I see I didn’t do nearly enough damage to him as I’d thought, those Slayer Strength levels aren’t as reliable as you’d think! I rush at him just like he did me. Only I managed a full body slam. Sent him flying actually, it was a beautiful sight, for like a second.

I sent him flying alright…and the stupid prick didn’t stop until he hit a wooden support beam in the middle of the warehouse that had already been on its last legs before Army Boy crashed into it.

Shitty rotten lucky right?

Remember how I said we should have been racing out of there as soon as we’d killed the Formorri, ‘cause the building wasn’t exactly structurally sound any longer? Well it was even less sound now, let’s put it like that.

We had to get out of there, fast.

B is rushing over to Army Boy to help him up, throwing me a glance that intended to mean ‘now look what you’ve done’.

I’ve seen that look on a lot of people’s faces in my time. Mom, school teachers, even Giles has his own sanitised version of it. I’d never seen B look at me that way before though. I was about to combat it with a ‘fuck you’ look of my own. I know, sometimes I don’t know when to give up, but my attention got diverted when I narrowly escaped being buried under a heap of corrugated iron as the roof above me started to cave in.

And I only managed that ‘cause slayer hearing was one step ahead of the game as usual. Thank fuck for small mercies, right?

So B helps a perfectly able Army Boy to his feet and to the only exit open to us, a ground floor window well smashed by now. And I can do nothing but tag along, ‘cause I don’t want my ass buried in there just as much as they don’t.

She does the noble thing and helps him out the window first, he’s playing his ‘injuries’ up just like before but now wasn’t the time for me to point it out. The beams and roof behind us really start to buckle now, crashing down everywhere. Burying the demon dead we left behind which saves on awkward explanations to the local cops I guess. B gets one leg through the window. I had to bite back some sarcasm along the lines of ‘no B you go first, I insist’ as she did this, it was like I’d suddenly become invisible girl or something. As I’m waiting for her to get herself all the way through so I can do the same, I take a last look around the warehouse, thinking of everything that had happened there that night. The kiss. The fight. The pain. The confession I whispered in B’s ear, all blurred into one thing as beams were falling, and dust and god knows what else started filling the air.

And that’s when I saw it laying on the floor in the middle of the room, abandoned and forgotten. Mirroring how I felt inside.

That’s probably why I went all the way back in to get it, dodging the roof and debris falling down around me. Ignoring B’s panicked voice coming from the window. Suddenly the most important thing to me was getting to it, picking it up, and taking it back to Giles. Like it was an extension of the Slayer and I’d promised them all I’d keep her safe. And well, if she won’t let me close enough to do that, the least I can do is take the axe home to where it belongs.

I know it sounds like an insane thing to do, and it is, I mean it was, _whatever!_ But like I said, it seemed very important there and then that I do it

When I finally make it outside the warehouse to where the two of them are waiting at a safe distance, Army Boy looking remarkably recovered, the axe safely tucked under my arm I’m pleased to say, I’m faced with the full-on might of a Buffy Summers’ rant.

“What the hell did you do that for? What were you thinking Faith? ‘I need to add that to my already huge arsenal of weapons ‘cause it goes with my boots.’ Of all the stupid, foolish, insane things I’ve seen you do this is right up with there with...”

“Saying I love you.”

I knew that would shut her up.

Pity it didn’t have quite the same effect on Army Boy. He scoffed at me muttering under his breath.

“Freak.”

“What did you call me?” I heard him. I just wanted the dick to say it again so I could have a reason for kicking the shit out of him.

“I called you a freak.” He steps up closer to me like in challenge. What’s separating us and I don’t even think he realised this, is B between us. Trying to keep the peace again.

She was gonna have a hard time doing so if Army Boy insists on going down _this_ road with me.

“Did you hear me that time?”

No, fucker! Can you hear me? Can you see the anger in my eyes right now? Can you see that in just a moment you are no longer going to be able to stand up on broken legs? Your girlfriend can. She knows you have made me angry. She knows I could very well lose it right now. What is she going to do about it though? Let’s see, shall we?

Instead of going with the longer version I paired all my thoughts down to this.

“What’s the matter Army Boy? Afraid B might be considering switching sides?”

It’s so easy to goad guys over their girlfriend’s preferences. Every one of them thinks it’s a great idea getting two girls in bed together, until they realise there isn’t much use them being there themselves when that happens. I could see I’d hit a pressure point with Army Boy over that one.

He tries a mocking laugh, doesn’t quite pull it off though.

“As if you have anything that Buffy needs, let alone wants. You’re nothing to her. It’s pathetic the way you feel about her. She told me the other night. She can’t even stand to be near you. It grosses her out. You repulse her Faith, doesn’t she Buffy?”

We both look at the Slayer. I’m barely holding on to my hate for him, but I think to myself if she agrees with him in the slightest then I will just walk away. Even I know there is no point fighting a lost cause. But I was hoping that he was just making all that up. Like he even _knows_ what B is thinking and feeling. No it was cool. I’d get to pound him ‘cause she was going to jump in and tell him what an asshole he was being any time now.

She decided to go with…

“I never said repulse.”

Oh, well, that’s ok then.

My heart sank. The weight of before returning, bringing with it its whole frickin’ family by the feel of it. It was this dead weight inside me, dragging everything down, making it difficult to breathe. There was this sharp pain in my chest, like her words were actually a knife, turning around in there. Slicing me in two. It burned, or maybe that was just the anger I could feel coming back to the surface bit by bit. Blurring my vision so it was only focused on one thing. Blocking everything out, even the glimpse of remorse I see flicker across B’s face when she realises what she said.

I needed to get out of there. I knew what was going to come next if I didn’t get out of there. The burn inside me was getting too hot. The anger rising too quickly.

I needed to get out of there.

Before something happened.

Before this could happen.

“B, if my touch repulses you then you are really going to hate me for this.”

Maybe she’d been expecting another kiss. Maybe a gentle caress like the ones we’d been sharing lately. Maybe if I my anger hadn’t turned me into its bitch again, I’d have done that. Instead my fist connected with her face before I could even register what I was doing. 

I walked away. Army Boy had the sense not to act all knight in shining armour and come after me. Or that could have been B stopping him. Maybe she’d not meant what she said. Maybe he _had_ been making all of it up. I could hear the two of them behind me start to argue and the first seeds of doubt and guilt formed in my mind.

But none of that mattered right then. In the space of ten minutes I’d found and lost the one thing I love most in this world. Hell the _only_ thing I love in this world.

I remember thinking as I walked away from the docks, hot salty tears I freely let fall for once scalding my skin, that I came out here tonight to make up for everything I have done in the past that had ruined things between me and B, and what I actually accomplished was to make everything ten times worse.

A thousand times worse.

A million times worse.

Fuck things couldn’t get any worse.

The one fly in that logic ointment being, a slayer should know that things can _always_ get worse.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so thanks for the awesome comments, kudos and bookmarks for Faith's Journal, it's great to know you are all enjoying it. I feel like I should apologise for this chapter, it was a wretch to write and I'm still not entirely happy with it, but I think I just need to let it go now. Hope you're not too disappointed with it. Am already hard at work on the next one, fingers crossed my muse behaves herself for that one. M.x


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the kudos and comments about the last chapter, made me feel a lot better about it. In honor of International Fanworks Day (which is a thing apparently, who knew!?) Here's the next installment...things are beginning to draw to a close...but until they do, this one should probably carry a warning for a tad more violence than previously seen. Enjoy! M.x

_(September 2000 cont)_

So I’m feeling lost.

Back when I left B on the docks, nursing the shiner that I gave her. Gotta love the irony here.

Lost is the only way to describe it. The ache inside, the tears on the outside. Never felt like that before, didn’t know how I was supposed to feel if I’m honest.

Lost was the only direction I could go in back when I walked away from the one person that could make me happy. So I kept on walking it as if there was some destination I was desperate to get to. Like what was waiting for me wasn’t the reality of what had just happened to me, and I actually wanted to be walking alone, in the dark, tears streaming down my face like T-T-Tara after another fight with Red.

Of course the minute I walked away from the Slayer I regretted everything. The kiss, the confession, the fist in her face. Especially that part. All of it.

The only good that came out of tonight was we killed a Big Bad Demon. Woo-frickin’-hoo. You know, not getting the jollies this time with all the slain behind me like I usually do. Somehow all that relief that the world is a safer place again thanks to us, isn’t breaking through this despair I feel deep down inside.

This hollow empty despair.

And I’m still crying. Must have walked half a dozen blocks away from the two of them and I’m still gushing like a fucking teenager at a NSync concert. Perhaps I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. Perhaps for once I should just let the tears fall, ‘cause maybe once they’re done falling I’ll be able to see straight again. So I let them. Slowly I start to give in to the pain inside. I feel the tears come faster and hotter than before. I feel my knees buckle and I’m crashing against the nearest wall, falling to the floor, screaming my pain out for anyone close enough to hear.

I don’t need to say this is so not like me, right?

Me scream? I know you can’t quite believe it. I didn’t believe it last night when I felt the hard stone of the pavement beneath me. Not quite sure how I’d gone from standing to sitting so quickly. Even then the tears won’t stop, and I’m doing that hitching thing with my breath so I can at least start to breathe again.

_So this is how it feels then?_ I remember thinking to myself, another racking sob breaking from my chest, and I think there were even snot bubbles by now. I must have looked pathetic.

This is how it is when you finally let go of everything on the inside. It all comes crashing out, burning everything around you. And everything had crashed and burned that night.

I was _so_ close. So close to having her. So close to her in my arms, forever. Why did she have to say that? And why did I have to react the way I did when I heard her say that? Why do I have to go and spoil everything? We’d been solid there, I know we had. There was a moment, a blindingly pure moment of honesty when I told her, I finally fucking told her, how I feel. And then I have to go and ruin it by listening to that fuckwit say his bullshit theory about how the Slayer really feels about me. I didn’t have to do that. I’m usually so good at not doing that. At not listening to the insults and the bullshit he comes out with on a regular basis. So why was last night so frickin’ different? 

And why did I have to respond to it all with a fist in her face instead of his?! 

He was goading me and I fell for it. He knew which buttons to press to get me pissed off with the Slayer and I should have seen that coming. Because damn it, I’m a slayer too and we have more control than that. I shouldn’t have given him the satisfaction. I played right into his hands, played right into his opinion of me.

I wonder what B’s opinion of me is now?

I mean I hit her. Me. The one who said she’d never hurt _B, Mrs S. Don’t worry Giles I won’t let anything happen to her. Hey B you ain’t ever gonna lose me. I love you B. I’m in love with you…_

…ARGGHHH!

And that was where the last of the pain, the last of the tears, the last of the despair ripped itself out of my heart. Tearing through the night in a scream that would have rivalled the death throes of Form Guy. It was the sound of a wounded animal caught in a trap, contemplating chewing its own leg off to get free. I looked at the axe still in my hand, the sharpness of the blade. I risked my life and got B all riled up because I felt some insane duty to go retrieve that axe for Giles. And now I could see myself forcing the blade against the skin of my neck, and pushing just enough to start the blood flowing that won’t…ever…stop. Well…

…FUCK THAT!

I may have been feeling pretty low last night, but my neck wasn’t gonna get close enough to that blade to even scratch the skin. I laid the axe down next to me, a sigh so deep, so achingly sad escaped me. My eyes closed and I dragged my shaking hands through my hair. And suddenly, just from that simple action and from the tears finally slowing down, I knew what to do. It was like a calm had descended around me, had in fact settled itself all over me, soothing the inside so the outside could get moving again. Now I get why people like T-T-Tara and Red are always saying it’s good to give in to your emotions sometimes, because on the other side of them you usually find a way out of the darkness all by yourself.  

The trap was of my own making you see, I didn’t have to gnaw my own leg off ‘cause I knew that there was another way out. _I’d_ created the mess with B, as usual, and _I_ had to be the one to fix it. No lame pride got in the way this time. I knew I couldn’t take the higher ground on this one, nor did I want to. I’d hurt B when I swore to myself that I would never do that, so I had to be the one to say sorry first, and try and put right what I fucked up.

De ja vu anyone? Isn’t that what led me out there last night in the first place?

I wasn’t gonna contemplate the neat symmetry of this whole thing there and then, didn’t have the time and I’m not really into that cosmic shit like Red anyhow. I just wanted to get to the Slayer and try and fix things. And ‘cause I’d already faced up to her once that night telling her I was sorry and telling her that other thing as well, I didn’t feel so daunted about going to her now.

I’m going to go and make her hear me. That’s what my insides were telling me. I’m going to make her understand. And I’m going to listen whatever she has to say, even if it’s not what I want to hear.

I got myself up off the ground, dusting the leathers off a bit as if that made the slightest difference to them. I picked the axe up, it didn’t weigh so heavy in my hand that time. It was just an axe Giles was particularly fond of, and not something more sinister inviting me to taste its blade. I took in another one of those deep sighs and headed back the way I’d just walked. No longer so lost anymore, no longer so sad.

I figured they’d have moved on from the docks by now. Whether that argument I heard them start was for real or not I figured they’d have taken it private either way. I also figured B wouldn’t want Mrs S to see the state of her so the Summers’ place was out. That left the Magic Box. Even though it was all the way back in the centre of town I just knew B would have gone there. Let Giles know what happened for one thing would be her priority but also because…well call it Slayer Sense. I just knew. 

She’d be in the Magic Box ‘cause it was where she hit me that time starting this whole thing in motion.

And it was to be in the Magic Box where it all came to an end.

As much as I wanted to run all the way like I’d been able to earlier on that night, ‘cause like then I wanted to get to B as soon as I could, slayer power wasn’t fully charged and I could only manage a brisk walk. Still, didn’t bother me too much that it was taking a time to get there. Wasn’t really thrilled with the thought of them all being there while I tried to make my apologies to B you know? But hey goes to show how serious I was about it all, if I was willing to face Scooby wrath again.

Turns out I didn’t need to worry about them though, as when I finally arrived the lights were out and it looked like no one was home.

Shit I would have bet my Playstation that I’d find B here.

That was my immediate thought when I walked up to the Magic Box and I couldn’t see anyone inside. It couldn’t have taken me that long to get across town. If I wore a watch I’d have checked to see how late it actually was, but ‘cause I don’t I just had to assume that the Scoobies had gone home, probably at B’s insistence. With Red worrying about the state B was in when she saw her, blaming me I bet. While Giles would be concerned again that I didn’t come back with the other slayer. Also probably wondering where his axe was, and you can just imagine that Xander and ex-demon chick only cared about getting back to their crib so they could you know, do what it is they always do. And where had B gone? More importantly how was I gonna get to her? Right then I didn’t care if what I imagined was true and the Scoobies think I’m the Big Bad again, ‘cause I just wanted to get to the Slayer and put that right first. But how was I gonna do that if she goes and surprises me again by not being where I thought she’d be.

Where I _knew_ she’d be.

Something ain’t right.

I had the Slayer Tingle when I first thought that she’d be here. Then I had the Slayer Sense of just knowing that she’d be here. And if that wasn’t enough I had my own intuition, nothing supernatural about it. And that intuition told me she’d have come to the Magic Box after our fight, ‘cause it’s what I would have done. I’m not saying me and the Slayer are the same, in fact quite the opposite, what I am saying is I’ve gotten to know B like I know myself. Despite the odd surprise here and there I pretty much know what she’d do in certain situations. And everything told me that she’d be in the Magic Box when I got here.

So why wasn’t she?

Something really ain’t right here.

That sinking feeling I got in the warehouse when I couldn’t find a way to the Slayer set in again. My feet felt like they’d been sunk in clay and my heart beat double time. I didn’t like that feeling now any more than I did before, but at least before I knew what it was the Slayer and me were up against. Standing outside the Magic Box having the heebies ‘cause I didn’t know where B was made me feel more than panic. I felt scared. Scared for B again. I won’t say the feeling lasted long ‘cause it didn’t, and it got replaced with blind fury soon after I got inside the Magic Box. But for a while there I was the most scared I’d ever been in my life.

I had all these visions of B go whooshing through my head in the time it took for me to go to the side entrance to the shop. You know the door _without_ the bell so my arrival wouldn’t tip off whatever helldemon had stopped by. And all the visions were definitely of the bad kind. Like B in a fight when she ain’t got the energy to fight no more. Or B jumped on by some of those supervamps, all ganged up on her so it’s 12-1 and she can’t do anything to defend herself. And there’s this one vamp, and he’s managed to knock her to the ground, she’s wounded pretty bad, breathing hard, he’s poising for the kill, he’s sinking his teeth into her, he’s…he’s…he’s killing her!

One helluva imagination I got there, huh?

So I’m a little wired. Maybe paranoid too. I had to stop _those_ thoughts in a hurry, ‘cause by now I’m in the shop checking it out, all stealthy and slayer-like. And paranoid images of finding a fanged slayer in there? Not helping me with my focus much.

At least the shop looked okay. I mean it wasn’t smashed up or anything, so those thoughts of B caught off guard by a bunch of supervamps were looking less than convincing whirling around my head now.

My focus started to return to me.

I’m still having that ‘this ain’t right’ feeling I’ve been having since the moment I got to the damn shop. But it wasn’t tinged with Slayer-in-Peril thoughts now, which made it a lot easier to realise that something besides me was hanging out in the Magic Box. And some instinct deep inside me, probably the same instinct that’s been telling me all along that I love the Slayer, was now telling me that the something in there was definitely not B.

The tingle was back but I’d managed to quiet those panicky voices down in my head some, and what I found when my breathing calmed and my hands started itching the way they do when I can feel a fight coming on, was a sound from inside the training room. A whimpering kinda sound, followed by something louder which could only be some piece of training equipment meeting the wall head on. And throwing furniture and shit just wasn’t B’s style, you know what I’m saying?

Seems as though someone was having themselves a little smashing up party in there. And as much as I wanted to go and find B, wherever the hell she might have been at that point, to sort everything out and make sure she really was okay, I wouldn’t be any kind of slayer if I didn’t look out for my Watcher’s crib, right?

There I go again, doing the right thing. Man, it’s getting to be habit.

Not that I’m really jonesing for meeting up with another Big Bad, especially with being Lone Slayer again, and not exactly at premium energy levels to be facing off against anything, what with all the excitement tonight already. But hey, a slayer’s gotta do what a slayer’s gotta do, and although it’s more B’s M.O. to go above and beyond the line of duty, you can’t spend as much time around her and the rest of them without some of that conscience stuff rubbing off. Right?

I loosened up muscles that were getting to be a little stiff from their earlier workout, flexed my fists a few times, cracking the knuckles, noting the bruising on them a little in the dim light of the shop. They were going to be a lot more bruised and bloodied than that by the absolute end of the night, believe me. In fact, they’re not even close to being healed now and it’s practically morning.

Like either of us need a reminder of what happened in that training room last night when she finally wakes up and I can finally put this book to rest. But we both have them, reminders. Her bruised cheek, my bloodied knuckles. The cut above my eye and the gash on her head. Wounds that will heal eventually, quickly in fact, slayer powers remember? But till they do, it’s going to be tough forgetting what caused them.

Well hell, that’s not really important now, is it? Back to the training room.

Defence is the best form of attack Giles’ tells us often enough. Must be ‘cause he’s British, they’re all reserved and pensive, as I’ve heard ex-demon chick call her boss on more than one occasion. So we’re taught as slayers to always be on the defensive, whether it’s a simple vamp stakeout down at SunnyD Memorial or something less predictable, like waiting in the dark outside the door to Giles’ training room till it went quiet again. But listening didn’t really tell me jack shit about what I was gonna face once I was in there. And patience hasn’t always been one of my best qualities. There was grunting and moaning I could hear, and I thought maybe someone was crying, but couldn’t be sure of anything really. My head and all the senses attached to it had been through the meat grinder the past two days you know? So I wasn’t taking any chances of the thing inside being some jacked up crackhead easy to subdue, or some hellgod pissed off with the décor. The axe safely held in front of me as I stormed through the door when the next loud crash, of what turned out to be the dumbbells meeting the far wall, provided me with some cover.

I ran into the room making some noise of my own like ‘argghhh’, or something to get the scumbag’s attention, and drew up to a very quick halt when my axe nearly split the head of Army Boy.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

I was surprised that it was me that managed to speak first. There’d been a very confusing ‘breathing fast heart lodged in throat’ type moment as my eyes adjusted to the low light coming from the bare bulbs in the ceiling. When he registered it was me who’d just come storming in scaring the shit out of him and I realised that I’d nearly wiped that stupid smug look off of his stupid face forever. And when that moment was over and I began to chill a little, thinking stuff like ‘this is the Big Bad I’m protecting the Magic Box from?’ and trying not to burst into hysterics he just stood there. All senior jockstrap like, with sweat beading on his face and this mean expression to his eyes.

He was trying to look threatening, trying being the operative word here. That’s when I asked what the fuck are you doing here? ‘Cause I was thinking, what the fuck was he doing there?

And I’m not even gonna detail the mess he’d made of the training room. Man Giles is going to be pissed for months.

He doesn’t answer me. I let the axe rest against my side, arms ached a little to have it un-holstered like, while I wait for him to think of a lame excuse, as I knew he was gonna come up with some bullshit. One quick glance around the room and not only could I see the total frickin’ mess he’d made in there – weapons cabinet smashed, holes the size of fists in the walls, windows broken and plenty of glass shards under foot – I could at least satisfy those slayer-in-peril thoughts of earlier once and for all. ‘Cause there wasn’t a sign of B anywhere in that room, and for whatever reason she wasn’t there, she’d left one pissed off honey in her wake.

I start to get ‘this ain’t right’ feeling creep over me again, only it’s got more to do with something ain’t right with Army Boy and B, than anything more sinister.

“It’s you!” He growls at me.

“Yes it’s me. Who else were you expecting? Santy Claus?”

Jeez, I’m wasting my time with this dumbfuck and I don’t appreciate the way he’s looking at me. If he’s not careful, I’m gonna bust his…

“It’s always you. All the time every day. In and out, in and out. I have to hear it over and over, Faith said this, Faith did that.”

Army Boy’s voice is low as he’s speaking to me, only he’s not really speaking to me it’s like he’s ranting with himself.

I’m a little intrigued gotta admit, to see this side of Army Boy, watching him from where I stand near the hobbyhorse to the left of the room. I grip the handle on the axe a little tighter, not that I’m feeling threatened by the dumbfuck, but out-of- character behaviour and all that, not ruling out possession here if you know what I’m saying?

Plus, I didn’t have a clue what he was talking about. He could have been any old demon in wolf’s clothing as far as I was concerned last night.

“I should have seen it coming,” he’s off on one again. “Should have realised that you’d worm your way in. Somehow a dumb bitch like you…”

I reacted to the bitch remark don’t worry, but he ignored my insult back and carried on like he hadn’t heard anything.

“…can make her feel things that I can’t. You? How can a stupid, illiterate whore like you make anyone feel anything other than disgust?”

No I wasn’t going to let him get away with that either, anger rising again like back in the warehouse, but he carried on with his rambling before I could swing a shot at him, and I have to say he’d caught my interest with this. What _was_ the fuck talking about?

“I don’t understand it, I don’t think I want to. What you feel, what she said. It’s sick. It’s wrong. It’s you. It’s always been you.”

Finally I realise what he’s going on about. He’s talking about B. He’s talking about how B feels towards me.

Oh.

My.

God.

“Where is she?” I don’t have to hear anymore. I want to get to B just to make sure he’s not shitting me.

“Even if I knew, do you think I’d tell you?” He walks towards me, like he thinks he’s menacing or something.

Feeling suicidal are we you fucker?

“Where. Is. She?” I repeat. My words more measured and my tone more threatening.

“Oh you’d like that, wouldn’t you? Like me to make the path clear for you, make it easier for you?” He’s getting closer, I don’t like that I can’t see his hands, but the light really is crappy in here.

“You think this has been easy?” Had to say it, ‘cause fuck, it was the truth. Nothing about loving B has been easy.

“I think that everything is easy to you. _You’re_ easy Faith. And I’m not about to let an easy bitch like you take Buffy from me.”

I scowl at him for the insults then laugh in his face for his deluded idea that he can stop this thing between me and B. He can’t. I know that now. And I think perhaps he does too but last night, last night Army Boy thought he still had power, and goddamn it to a certain extent he did.

“Seems as though it’s too late for that, asshole!” I taunted him, ready to combat him with that axe if I had to.

Army Boy kinda shrugs at me, I didn’t like it. It was a dismissive shrug, the kind I’m good at, you know? A cocky, dismissive gesture that’s my usual attitude. And why should he be all cocky and dismissive in the face of defeat, huh? Say Faith, that’s a good question.

Yeh, sure as shit it’s a good question.

I know why he’s acting all ‘I don’t give a shit what you say, bitch’, ‘cause hidden in his hand where I couldn’t see, was one of the hammers from the weapons cupboard on the wall.

Man I didn’t know what hit me.

Jesus that hurt. The blow sent me flying. He caught me on the side of the face, not far from the gash above my eye that vamp gave me, which opened up again, oozing blood down my cheek. If I’d been a mere mortal I’m sure the blow would have killed me. When I start coming to on the floor a few seconds later I had this chilling thought that not being the slayer wouldn’t have stopped the asshole from hitting me.

That’s when I have another chilling blood-actually-freezing-inside-my-veins-and-not-moving-anymore thought, that perhaps B isn’t okay after all. What else had Army Boy smashed up that evening?

“If you’ve hurt B you bastard…” I splutter out, trying to stand up but failing. The pain in my head and the blood pouring into my eyes, stinging and warm, is making me feel nauseous.  

“I wouldn’t hurt her you stupid bitch. You on the other hand…”

I see him moving closer and he’s tossing that hammer of his from hand to hand, like it was a frickin’ baseball and we were playing catch in his farmyard.

And I start to realise that the guy is after blood. He’s after something more serious than just going a few rounds.

Fuck was my next thought. Plain and simple as that. Fuck. One of us was gonna die trying here. Man, this would be hard to explain to the rest of them.

Before I get chance to reach for my axe to even up the odds some, I know it was in my hands before, but the hammer to the head didn’t just dislodge what little conscience I had left, he’s on me again, this time with his boots. Those fucking army boots with the steel toecaps and he’s leaving footprints on my stomach and to my side.

Okay, latent Slayer Strength would really come in handy around about now.

I manage to block the next foot that comes down on me with my hands and with all the strength I can find I push against fuckfeatures and he goes toppling backwards, slamming into the hobbyhorse and dropping his precious hammer. Now we’re even some I think. Taking a time to stand up ‘cause damnit I think he’s cracked a few ribs in me. Well if he had, they aren’t aching any now, so at least some Slayer Healing Power is still intact.

When I’m standing around about the same time he is too, it’s like a replay of the warehouse face-off we had against each other. Man, would Red have a trip over the de-ja vuing back and forth I’ve had recently. He’s glaring at me and I’m glaring right back at him. I’m also kinda surprised still that he actually tried to kill me and thought he’d be able to do it. I can see in his eyes that he still thinks he has a shot at the slayer title.

“What’s your problem Army Boy?”

I’m not sounding in as peak condition as I would have liked to hear coming out my mouth. I draw a hand over my face to smear the blood out from my eyes, my breath is laboured some, and the pain in my sides and stomach makes me wince every now and then.

“If she’s chosen why not take it like a man and step down? Oh that’s right, you’d have to _be_ a man to do be able to do that.”

I probably wasn’t doing myself any favours goading him like this, but hey, he pissed me off. And defence is the best form of attack remember, and I was trying to formulate some sort of defence by playing for time so Slayer Strength re-charged itself properly.

Just as I suspected he didn’t take kindly to that remark. Something whizzed past my face, missed me by like an inch or something ‘cause I felt the air move when it went by. Stupid shitty light in here. The asshole had picked up something he’d probably earlier smashed on the floor and threw it at me. Guess the guy wasn’t going to play fair after all.

Was I?

I thought of B and what she’d do if she came back here and found her ex smashed up bloody on the floor and I had my answer. Didn’t mean I couldn’t do as much damage with my fists without finishing him off entirely though.

“Oh you are so beat asshole.”

“I don’t think so.”

Army Boy is with the defiant shit again. I mentioned how I don’t like when he does that right? Puts me on edge. It would anyone when someone you think you know goes and surprises you. Great when the surprise is a six-pack and a trip to Vegas, not so great when it’s an axe and a murderous look in their eyes.

Fine then, I think. Pull myself up to the full Slayer fighting stance, the pain lessening inside but not by nearly enough.

“Bring it on.” I demand.

And he did. He had more to bring on then I ever thought he would have actually. Started with me matching him pretty much blow for blow just like back in the warehouse. Factor in me being a little whacked from all the fighting of the past 24 hours, and him being much more than your average jockstrap on the football squad from all his days in the Initiative, and we have a fairly even match. I swipe at his face and he feels the blow hard, goes down on one knee, but then he strikes me with a mean uppercut that knocks me back, ‘cause he caught me off guard how quickly he can recover.

And that’s how it plays out for a while. Adrenaline pumping, blood flying, bruises and scraped skin, head butts and low kicks, and screams and insults. We were like two animals fighting over their mate, in fact yeh, that’s exactly what we were doing. Seems kinda lame when I write it down now, at the time I seem to recall it feeling pretty wicked to be going at it like that with Army Boy, after all I had wanted to for so long. And apart from the fact that I was sort of, in a very small way, and completely understandable I might add, that I was getting my ass kicked by the prick, I was actually having some fun.

But you ever noticed how something will always come along and spoil the fun for you? Right when it’s at the good part and you’ve gained some ground, and you’re breathing ain’t so hard anymore. And you are recovering quicker from the now lame feeling blows you get to your face and jaw, and there is more power behind the punches you can throw. So the first one you do sends him stumbling backwards, unable to find his footing. And the second one spins him around so he is facing the wall you are gonna slam him into. And the third time you get hold of him it’s to push him up against the brickwork and teach him a lesson in respect. And just when you are about to deliver the lesson, someone has to spoil the fun by…

…electrocuting me?

He’s fucking electrocuting me!

Not that I could actually verbalise the thought last night when it happened, it was more of a recognition of the feeling starting in my leg and working its way very fast, and very hot around my body. I recognised it from the time Wesley and his boys thought…well let’s just say I’ve had experience with this type of thing before. I don’t know how the hell he managed to get it when I had him pushed up so hard against the wall, but somehow one hand had gotten free, and that was the hand inflicting all the damage on me now.

Man it doesn’t only hurt like hell when you get thousands of volts pushed through you, and I’m using hell as the analogy here ‘cause that’s the only place hot I know that sounds worse than a Californian summer, but it leaves you completely vulnerable, after whichever scumbag inflicted it in the first place stops. The volts are still jumping round your body see. They have a lot of veins and arteries and other shit I have no idea the name of that they have to travel around inside you, before they decide they’ve had enough and burn themselves out. And when that happens, you just know that the bastard with the pointy, electric stick is going to come back and give you another high dosage.

He has me on the floor now. He has me yelling and screaming on the floor now. He has me thrashing around in pain on the floor now. He has me crying out her name on the floor now.

“B…Buffy.”

I croak it out, her full name. Don’t think I’ve ever used it before. Not sure what I was doing saying it now, when she ain’t even around to hear me use her full name for once, and perhaps smile that crooked smile of hers when she did hear it. The smile she uses on Dawnie sometimes when she gets caught off guard by the love she has for her little sis. The smile Giles receives when he’s come through for her again, in his caring, restrained British way, which is ten times more than what her own father can come up with for her. Even the smile I’ve seen her give me on more than one occasion lately. The one smile I’m beginning to doubt I’ll ever see again.

“What’s that?” Army Boy crouches down over me, getting way too comfortable inflicting me pain. “What did you say? I didn’t quite catch that.”

I scream again with the fresh fire that fills my body from head to toe. And I croak out her name once more because as I feel myself start to lose consciousness, B is the only thing I want to think about. 

“She can’t save you now.”

And I believe him, what choice do I have? My body is fucked, my insides feel like they’ve been skewed with lightning rods, and it’s like someone’s stuffed hot coals in my head. To top it all my vision is going to black, fades out then comes back in bright white flashes every now and then, but it’s on its way out I can tell.

“Did you hear me bitch?” He just can’t resist those taunts. “She can’t save you now.”

“Funny. That’s exactly what I’m about to do.”

I recognise that voice, I think to myself in amongst the fire and the blackness that’s swirling around my head.

Who’d have thought it? B coming to my rescue.

That’s definitely five by five.


	17. Chapter 17

_(September 2000 cont)_

It’s early morning. The sun is up and the streets of SunnyD have a few less scumbags to worry about for another 24 hours. Most people are still tucked up in bed though, with nothing on their minds other than a few more hours of sleep probably. Bet the Scoobies are all shut-eye still, late night mojo and all gotta take it out of the civilians. Maybe I’m wrong and they’ve been up all night like me, worrying about the Slayer. Maybe they’ve spent half the night thinking about why the Slayer had a big old fist-size bruise on her cheek when she showed up at the Magic Box, telling them we’d killed the Big Bad, you can all go home now. Maybe they have been wondering why the other slayer, the Bitch Slayer as Red probably called me, wasn’t with on her triumphant return. 

Maybe whatever they are thinking or doing right now is all or none of those things, but I guarantee one thing they haven’t been doing. They haven’t spent the night imagining B in my motel room, wearing my clothes, sleeping in my bed, ‘cause I don’t think that thought has occurred to any of the Scoobies yet, though I have my suspicions that T-T-Tara knows what’s going on. And they haven’t been imagining, ‘cause not even in my wildest imagination did I think that would happen, B coming to the rescue of one-in-deadly-need-of-rescuing-slayer, and telling her she was sorry, I love you too Faith.

Not that it really happened that way.

She had to deal with her ex-honey first.

“Funny. That’s exactly what I’m about to do.”

I can’t see her ‘cause of the bright flashes of white my vision has become. And I can’t sense where she is ‘cause of the excruciating pain searing the inside of my body with its intense heat. But I can hear her. I hear her determined-to-kick-ass-I-can-even-joke-about-it voice, and she’s made the pain ease. It’s not gone away entirely, the white heat was still rushing around inside. That’s the fun thing about electrocution, the electricity has no-where else to go other than inside you, so it does circuit after circuit before finally burning out. But at least hearing B’s beautiful voice meant no more fresh pain. For a little while at least.

“You’ve come back to save her? How very butch.”

Army Boy spat out at the Slayer. Can’t imagine B’s reaction to that was pretty, but I’m down on the floor and my vision is only slowly returning, so for this part of the show it’s definitely audio only.

“Get away from her.”

B’s smart, I would never have been able to let that butch comment drop so easily.

“Or else what?” Has Army Boy gone insane or something?

“Or else you’re going to get your ass kicked by another slayer tonight.”

She can remain so calm sometimes when I know by now I’d be tearing his hair out with my teeth.

“For some reason that threat doesn’t bother me.”

Army Boy is standing over me still, and he’s swinging that stick with all the juice in it back and forth, like he’s saying ‘look what I’ve got, it’s so shiny’. And I wish that I had the slightest bit of strength to grab it from him and finish this before it really got started, but I don’t. Most of me is hoping to see B kick his ass anyway, ‘cause damnit he really hurt me, and I want some payback for that.

“Oh please, _that’s_ supposed to scare me?”

“No Buffy, it’s supposed to do this.”

Oh fuck.

“ARGH!” That’s me screaming again, gone wuss slayer for like the god knows what time, and didn’t you say something about rescuing me B?

“Riley!”

Okay I hear B again, how come I don’t hear Army Boy-pounding happening? You know that if it had been the reverse, he would never have gotten the chance to inflict pain again. He probably wouldn’t ever have walked again either and as I hear B talk, albeit really faded as that last blast of white heat seems to have gone straight to my head and stayed there, I get why the Slayer does things differently to me. Why she was handling this differently to me. Deep down she doesn’t hurt people if she doesn’t have to, whereas me…well we all know what I can do.

“Riley, it’s over. I’m sorry I’ve hurt you, but we can all walk away from this.”

I think I detect movement, I think it’s a Slayer shadow I see getting nearer, but then the pain’s back and I don’t see I only hear again.

“We can walk away and nothing bad will happen, I promise. Just step away from her and drop that, and everything will be okay.”

Army Boy is thinking about it. I know ‘cause I don’t get another blast from him.

“It won’t be okay.” I barely heard that and I’m right beneath the bastard, so I’m guessing B had to be close too when she responded.

“Of course it will, why wouldn’t it be?” Her voice sounds soft, re-assuring. The kind I’ve heard her use when she’s saved some poor kid’s ass from a vamp attack, and the shock of it has still almost killed them.

“Because I won’t have you, she will.” There’s venom in his voice, lethal and poised to do damage, just like that stick he’s carrying.

“You can’t change that.”

I don’t think he wants to hear that right now B.

“Yes I can.”

I cringe, suck in breath that feels burnt, try to steel myself against what’s coming. What should have been coming round about now…huh?

“If you try and hurt her again, you know I’ll fight you. You know I’ll win.”

Oh that’s why. B is making one last stab at diplomacy. Did I mention how differently B approached this than I?

“Maybe.” Arrogant little fuck, isn’t he?

“No maybe about it, Army Boy.”

I couldn’t help myself, even if my voice sounded like I’d just smoked four hundred Marlboros one after the other, and my throat pretty much felt that I’d smoked four hundred Marlboros one after the other. I had to say something, he was dissin’ B for one thing.

Should have probably kept my mouth shut though.

“Shut up you fucking piece of trash!”

And he goes for his magic stick again, just as I find the energy from some place I’ve never been to before and don’t particularly want to go to again, as it hurt more than the shocks to actually move of my own accord, to get out of his way, just at the same time as B finally starts to do the hero stuff she is well known for and comes to my aid.

“Riley no!” I hear her scream, and WHAM! She slayer-slams him into the wall, the same one I had done earlier on.

This is one of those times when you can’t quite believe what it is you are seeing. And I know living on a Hellmouth you’d think I’d be more than used to that feeling, what with all the demon hunting, and vampires with souls, and werewolves who can play a mean base guitar, and Wiccas who float when they dance and all the other weird wiggy shit I’ve been witness to over the past few years. But all that don’t matter when I try and focus a few feet in front of me, to my left.

I’m laying on my back and there the two of them are, and I can’t quite believe what it is I’m seeing, ‘cause really, in all the teenage make out fantasies I’ve been having, and all the real hope and wishing I’ve been doing where me and B are concerned, I never honestly thought she’d hit him.

So as I see him push back against where she has him pinned to the wall, gaining a little leverage with the move, I think to myself, well that’s B’s act of heroism over, she ain’t really gonna pound him. I mean, it took the appearance of Angelus to make her fight with her last honey, and Army Boy was just acting a little crazed to have been dumped for another chick.

Yeh, that’s what my fried brain was going with. That last jolt of pain taking it’s time in vacating the premises so maybe not helping with the rational thoughts any, but still B wasn’t about to go Bitch Slayer on her ex.

“I warned you not to hurt her again!”

Whoa, haven’t ever heard B sound quite so angry before. WHACK she punches Army Boy as he’s turning to face her, gets him right in the stomach. Wasn’t expecting her to do that gotta admit. And I guess he wasn’t expecting it either. His latent soldier genes must have kicked in ‘cause he reacted without thinking, without even realising _which_ slayer he was hitting.

He gets this shocked look to his face when his arm pulls back from the uppercut he managed to lay on B. But there is nothing he can do to take it back, and there is nothing stopping the Slayer’s fall backwards. Gravity being what it is, and B being as equally surprised as both me and Army Boy at him actually hitting her. She just wasn’t expecting the blow to connect. Didn’t think for a moment she’d feel his fist on the outside of her jaw, connecting as solidly as any pissed off vamp, or slayer for that matter.

With the force of the blow and the ‘oh my god, he actually hit me’ realisation going through her mind, I reckon B shouldn’t be too hard on herself when she stops and thinks about how she started falling backwards, losing her Slayer Balance and Slayer Agility for like a second. But a second is all it takes sometimes to seriously screw things up.

And it’s not like she could see where she was headed so I don’t think she needs to stress over hitting her head on that hammer Army Boy had used on me, which was laying useless and forgotten on the floor until that point. So the unexpected force of Army Boy’s fist, the off-balance fall backwards towards the concrete floor, topped by smashing the back of her head against that hammer, I think B can pretty much forgive herself for reacting very un-slayer-like to the whole thing.

She wasn’t getting up.

She wasn’t even moving.

She was lying there on the floor, a few feet away from me so I could tell what was or was not happening, and the Slayer is not up being a slayer.

Instead she’s looking like a broken, beaten woman, and there is a pool of blood beginning to seep out from her dirty blonde hair from where the hammer connected with her head. A head that had already taken some beating tonight. We’d all taken a beating far worse than we’ve felt in a long time, and for B I guess that fall was the last straw.

“Buffy, oh god. Buffy wake up.” 

And suddenly we have the reappearance of Concerned Boyfriend.

Sorry you bastard. It’s a little late for that.

I didn’t think I’d be able to stand on my own again. Didn’t think I’d have the strength to lift my sorry head up again let alone get up on my own two feet. But seeing B hurt. Seeing her laying there, looking so lifeless, looking so broken, something raised up inside me. Something that wasn’t connected to being a slayer, though I won’t deny the handy rejuvenation package of being one helps my strength. What I was feeling then had everything to do with how I feel for B and nothing to do with how a slayer fights evil on the side of good.

He hurt B. And now he has to pay. 

“Get away from her.”

B’s words coming out of my mouth must have chilled Army Boy. He looks around to me, and actually for the first time that night he had the right look in his eyes when he did.

Fear.

“Faith I…”

WHACK! Didn’t give him chance to finish. I didn’t give a fuck what he was gonna say anyway. His face goes to the side when my fist connects with his jaw.

“That’s for calling me a bitch.”

OOMPH! He can’t block my knee in time. Doubles over as all the air in his lungs is forced out when I catch him in his midsection.

“That’s for hammer pounding me.”

THUD! He falls back against the hobbyhorse when I back-kick, followed swiftly with an uppercut to his face, and he finally looks like all the beatings that night are taking their toll.

The adrenaline is back pumping around my body, forcing the last of the white heat out, making my muscles tingle for a different reason, and deep within me I start to feel like a slayer again.

WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!

Repeatedly I beat him, the way he beat me. With my boots, with my fists. Kicking and punching I don’t let up. 

“And that’s”…WHACK…“for hurting”…WHACK … “Buffy!”

There is blood on his face, some on my knuckles where the skin has broken, probably from catching his perfect white teeth. And now I feel as though he has gotten what he deserved, ‘cause he’s down on his knees, breathing laboured, spitting gobs of mucus and blood on to the floor. And perhaps now he finally understands. There is no stopping this thing between me and B…

…Buffy?

Immediately my focus shifts. Army Boy’s existence fades in to the background. I let him stumble and gasp for breath, fallen like he is, ‘cause there is something far more important I have to do. I see her from this distance, the blood that pooled out of her head when she made that sick sound as she connected with the floor looks almost black. Her dirty blonde hair even dirtier now, shades of deep red not suiting her, making my stomach flip as I will myself over to her. Afraid of what I’ll find as I get closer.

I can’t tell if she’s breathing from this distance away. And I can’t tell if her eyes are open. And I can’t hide the panicked cry I give out when I move to her, her face so pale and bruised. I kneel down beside her, my stomach doing back flips, nausea wanting to ride on up and come out, but I fight the urge down. Why the panic? Why the sick feeling racing through me, up to my lungs to the back of my throat, so my gag reflex kicks in? Not because I found B lying lifeless, like I feared I was gonna do walking the few steps over to her. But ‘cause I found her breathing. Very shallow breaths, her chest barely rising up then down again. I was so _relieved_ that there was some small evidence that she was okay I couldn’t fight the urge to cry any longer.

Getting to be a familiar feeling now, hot salty tears stinging my skin. Where there were cuts on my face from Army Boy’s hammer the liquid heat seeped into them like burning acid. I tried to wipe them away but more just kept coming. As much as I wanted it to stop, ‘cause I hate feeling out of control, alien in my own skin, and let’s face it crying for me is a very alien thing to feel, I just couldn’t keep the tears inside me.

B looked so helpless there on the ground, but at least she was breathing. It was both those things and a million others vying for my attention in my head right then, that led me to finally drop my guard where B is concerned. Hanging my head low so the tears flowed straight off my face onto her skin below me. Taking hold of her pale bruised hand that was warm to touch and bringing it up to my lips. I kissed it as I whispered to her. 

“I’m never letting go B. Never letting go.”

It seemed the most important thing in the world right then to reassure the Slayer of how I felt towards her. Even if the concept was lost on her, what with the un-consciousness and everything. So I let my tears and my pain and my regret at all that had happened between us seep out as I sat there, next to the Slayer. Her hand in mine, her hair that I stroked out of her face, tucking a stray strand behind a delicate ear just like she does sometimes with Dawnie. I might have even looked confused at the gesture, frowning the way I do when something completely vexes me out. Like me being gentle. Not really what I’m known for is it?

But as she laid there, her breathing getting a little stronger, her eyes frowning in amongst the stillness of her body, I realised that what she needed now was me to be gentle with her. ‘Cause damnit I haven’t been in the past, and from now on I decided things were going to be very different between us.

“Everything is going to be alright B.” I leaned down and laid a kiss on her forehead. Just a small soft kiss, not like one I gave in the past in challenge, in anger.

“I love you, Buffy Summers.” I whispered, smiling a little to myself at how different her full name sounds coming from me.

“I love you too Faith.”

It was barely a whisper. In fact I’m not sure it was even that, so quiet and low when it came out. When it broke through the sudden eerie silence of the smashed up training room. When it got through my tears and misery and settled inside my head.

Did she really just say that? She’d been so quiet I thought maybe I’d imagined it. I guess I could have asked her to repeat herself, to say it again just so I could know for sure that she felt the same as me. But what if she hadn’t said those words exactly? What if I’d imagined it ‘cause of the heightened state of all my emotions? Remember crying and hurting here. Sure I could’ve made a mistake, so let’s not rock the boat again Faith girl by jumping to the wrong conclusion where B is concerned.

One thing I did know for sure, the Slayer was starting to wake up. I felt pressure round the hand that was holding B’s, and as I look down I see her fingers curling around mine. As if she was struggling to take hold in this world again and the first thing that she caught on to was me.

“Faith?” Her voice was quiet still. She squinted her eyes a few times trying to focus.

“Yeh, it’s me.” My voice was thick with the tears that I had to choke back.

“Faith.” This time she didn’t say it like it was a question. She opened her eyes some more even though I could tell it made her head hurt to do so, and I thought I saw her smile a little when she focused on who was sitting next to her, holding her hand.

“Are you okay?” That’s the Slayer all right, always thinking of others when she should be thinking of herself.

“Five by five. You?” I’m starting to feel a little less teary now, a little less panicked.

“Head hurts.” She tries to sit up, realises it’s a mistake almost immediately and winces hard in pain. I know just how you feel B, remembering that steel girder I got whacked with. I wince in sympathy for the Slayer and try to get her to be still again.

“Hey easy does it there champ.” I put my free hand underneath her shoulders so as she lies back down she kinda slumps against me. And if the close contact between us was at all unwarranted, if I felt that B didn’t want me holding her hand, bringing her into my body keeping her warm, then I would have stopped right there. But as she slumped against me she drew the hand that was holding hers across the front of her body, so in effect I held her in a very loose embrace, an embrace it seemed the Slayer needed as much as I.

“Can we go home now?” She whispered. The fight and strength had finally gone out of her, I could tell by the way she sounded so hopeful with her question.

“Sure.” I replied, dropping a kiss on her head, avoiding where it was all bloody and painful.

I didn’t want to bring it up but I had to ask, and I was really conscious of not saying or doing anything that would screw things up between me and B again, so it was best that we got that cleared up first.

“We can get you cleaned up a bit, if you’re worried about Mrs S seeing you like this?”

Okay so it wasn’t exactly a straightforward way of asking it, but I wasn’t about to do my usual line of ‘your place or mine?’ I mean let me have some frickin’ credit.

B half-smiles at me, closes her eyes and bites her top lip. Like she was steeling herself against the pain that had flared up again inside, and I get a little more panicked that B is really hurt. Needn’t have worried about that so much though, turns out she was steeling herself to say this.

“Actually Faith, I was hoping you’d take me home with you.”

I barely hear her ‘cause her voice is so soft and quiet, but I don’t think this time I imagined her saying that, and it’s all I can do to not break out into that goofy spaz smile I had on my face after I’d kissed the Slayer in the warehouse earlier on. Instead I go with.

“Sure.”

I couldn’t hold the smile completely back, nor stop myself running my thumb over the top of her hand, a slow caress that I’d dreamt of doing so many times in the past.

“If that’s what you want?” I still gave her every chance she needed so she could back out if she didn’t want to be near me. But she just took hold of my hand and squeezed it tighter, like she did when she first saw it was me hovering above her as she woke up.

“It’s what I want.”

Okay don’t need to tell me twice I thought to myself. I eased her up gently and crouched down beside her. She looked confused at me for a few seconds, but as she tried to stand up herself and realised the pain in her head wasn’t going to let her, the confused frown melted into a slightly worried look.

“You can’t carry me, you’re hurt too.” She raised a hand to where that hammer had opened up the gash above my eye. It had stopped bleeding, but I’m guessing didn’t look exactly pretty.

“Sure I can. Slayer Strength remember?” I protested with a sly smirk to my lips and amazingly she gave in to me immediately. Or maybe it was the fact I didn’t really give her a choice, as by the time I’d finished telling her I’d slipped an arm underneath her legs and held one firmly around her waist.

With a deep breath bracing my legs slightly for her weight, not that weight with B is really an issue, I picked her up slowly, coming to my full height and settling her body against me. She moved her arms around my neck, making herself as comfortable as possible, I urged her to rest her head against my shoulder, making sure I’d picked her up so the side that had got injured wasn’t going to be knocking against me as we walked.

“You okay?” I asked her.

She smiled a funny little crooked grin at me, one that my heart leapt on the moment it saw it and took a snapshot of it so I know exactly how that smile looks now, hours after the fact.

“Better now.” B replied.

I just smiled in return, doing the not trusting thing with words again, wanting nothing to ruin this moment between us.

I began to slowly carry her out of the training room, avoiding the debris on the floor. One bit of debris I’d completely forgotten about was leaning up against the legs of the hobbyhorse, nursing a bruised and bloodied face. I’d not done enough to cause him permanent damage, even though I could have done. Even though I wanted to. But he still looked a pathetic sight and I was afraid when B saw him she’d go cheerleader-girlfriend on me again.

Should have known better really. This is B we’re talking about after all. She always goes and surprises me.

“Is he going to be alright?” She was looking over my shoulder at him, ‘cause I wasn’t going to stop by where he was to let her see him in close up.

“Bruised and battered, but he’ll live.” I managed to crook my head a little to see if she was still staring at him. She was a bit, but he was also staring back at her, and I wondered if he was going to start trouble again.

“I’m sorry you’re hurt Riley, but it didn’t have to happen this way.” B’s voice was loud enough for him to hear her. And as I carried her out of the door Army Boy’s response was lost in the space of the empty shop, and all I could hear was B’s contented, level breathing as she rested her head on my shoulder.

And all I cared about then was taking the Slayer home, with me.


	18. Chapter 18

_(September cont)_

The Slayer with me. Hard to believe concept, ain’t it? As hard to believe as being told that vampires are actually real perhaps. And yet there she is, on my bed doing what she’s been doing for the best part of the night, sleeping. I’m not sure that it’s as believable as vampires and other things that go bump in the night but it is the truth. The Slayer with me. She is in my room, beneath my covers, wearing my clothes, and she let me lead her there. The Slayer with me. She didn’t want to be anywhere else when all the fighting was done. Between us and the bad guys, between me and Army Boy, between her and me. When that all ended she chose to be with me. So yeh maybe it’s hard to believe, and don’t think that I didn’t have questions about it when things were quiet and we were finally on safer ground. But I have something I can cling on to now, should this turn into everything else in my life and burst into flames when the sun catches it full in the face now it’s morning again.

The Slayer with me, that’s what I have.

For however long it’s gonna last I don’t want to go into again. I just smile each time I look over to her in my bed. I remember what it was like feeling happy when I first picked up this book and started writing hours ago now. I remember what it was like, sitting and watching her for like an hour or more, just as she drifted off to an exhausted sleep that I’m surprised my body hasn’t insisted I fall into as well. I’ve been too busy watching over her, protecting her. Making sure everything was going to be all right, like I promised her in the Magic Box when she wasn’t even conscious. And now it’s all drawing to a close. I actually see the end of this thing that’s been between us for months now. Perhaps it has always been there between us, ever since I first turned up in Sunnyhell when she was still in high school and I was a badass chick always looking for a fight. This thing between me and B that took her fist in my face to bring it to the surface and tell me what I probably knew deep down about myself, and about the other slayer, all along. This thing that’s been my hidden, painful secret all these months and no longer is. It can never go back to being that now. Being just mine to brood over, get angry about, be jealous because of it, and all the other stuff that’s happened to me this year. It’s no longer hidden. No longer just me and it against the world.

I let her in last night. I let her in on the secret. The secret I’ve held for only her to listen to all this time. And she had some secrets of her own, but more on that later. 

We didn’t make the fastest time back to the motel, but the walk back was thankfully un-interrupted. With the exit of Form Guy I’m guessing the Big Bads are laying low for a while, and well, that suited me and B late last night. Walking the few blocks away from the nice part of town to my place, the Slayer still in my arms ‘cause I didn’t want to let her go now I had her so close, and I think, or at least I’m gonna hope, that B didn’t want it to change either. Once or twice she winced with pain, and I stopped us both for a moment so she could feel comfortable again. Slayer Healing ability was working its mojo though, and even if there is still some way to go for her to heal completely, as I think it will for my face to look pretty again, by the time we made it back here B was cringing less.

There was an awkward moment when I needed to get the keys to my room out of my jacket but I didn’t want to let B go, on account she felt so good so close to me and also I didn’t know how stable she was feeling herself, to be standing up on her own. I thought about just kicking the door in, ‘cause hell, not like that has never happened in this shitty place before, but B made the decision for both of us when I came to a stop, and she ever so gently pulled her arms back from my neck. I figured she wanted letting down so I did just that. Settling my hands around her waist, guiding her to the ground, watching closely for signs of her fainting or something.

She looked exhausted, fuck we both were. But in B I could still see that thing that makes her stand out on a crowded dance floor. That thing that reaches all the way down to the end of a college corridor, when one of you is just hanging around, hoping to catch a glimpse. That thing that smiles at you in the Magic Box when everyone else is there vying for her attention too, and she makes you feel as though you are the most important thing in her world. Just by a look she has, a smile, a set way she has of talking to you, listening to you. Despite all the shit we’ve been through recently, and the long hard battle we’d fought that night, B still has the ability to make my heart beat a million times faster than it should, and for me to just get lost in being near her.

I’m staring at her, not moving my hands from her waist, or making any effort to actually get my door open, ‘cause I still can’t get over everything that has led the two of us slayers to this particular moment in time. To be standing so close outside my motel room having survived the fight of our lives not once that night, but twice. To finally not have anything we had to look over our shoulder for, or get in the way of the two of us again. To finally be alone together after so much has gone wrong for me and B, well it all just stopped me in my tracks and I couldn’t move. The world was just made up of the two of us, and as many times as I’ve said that before it never felt as real or as true as it did standing outside my door in the very early hours of this morning. I just didn’t know how to break free from that moment and I don’t think I really wanted to.

But something broke me from the spell I always fall under in the Slayer’s presence, and as usual what she broke it with just brought on a whole heap of other thoughts that could be as equally paralysing if I let them.

It was just her hand on my cheek brushing the skin gently where it was all scarred and bloody from my fight with Army Boy. Cupping my face with her unusually warm hand and rubbing her thumb gently back and forth. A caress the Slayer will never know how long I’ve dreamed of feeling from her.

“I’m sorry.”

She whispers as she stops her hand, drawing it away from me, only to bring it to her waist and take hold of my left hand that’s resting there. I let her hold my hand. My larger one in her small, the fingers entwining as if we’ve always been this close with one another.

“Me too.”

I reply realising there were a lot of apologies to make between us. A lot of things that needed forgiving. She took the first step just then. Seeing how hurt I was, all in her name. Perhaps she felt a little guilty, or like she owed me something. I don’t think it was really that though, not now I think about it with a more rational, awake mind, that I’m refusing to let go down the paranoid, pessimistic route it so loves to stalk usually. I think B was sorry for hurting me back at the docks that night, and in the Bronze when Army Boy came along and interrupted our dance. Maybe she was sorry for everything that has happened between us but knows there is no way to make up for it all. And like me when I have some making up to do she didn’t know really how to start, but knew saying the words I choke on time and time again was a good a place as any.

She smiles a half grin at me, the pain of her fall still set behind her eyes a little, which snaps me back to action getting the door open. Not realising it until I’m actually walking into my room how our hands are still entwined, and the Slayer is simply following me inside, letting me lead her in.

Didn’t think in a million years I’d ever see that happen you know? The Slayer letting me lead her into my pigsty of a room, who flipped the world upside down?

I can’t help looking at our entwined fingers and I know I’m back to being staring, distant slayer again, bringing us to a stop just inside the room. It’s like I’m looking at something that doesn’t belong to me. A gift that I never thought I’d receive. My mind wants to argue that I don’t deserve it and my heart wants to ignore all the questions I have, about how the Slayer and me got to this point, and just skip to the part where the story ends with ‘and they lived happily ever after’.

Fuck it, I’m not one for fairytales, everyone knows that. My idea of a horror movie is sitting through Sleeping Frickin’ Beauty, but for once, why can’t I accept something as simple and as small a gesture as B’s hand in mine, and not go down a path that is going to screw things up?

Well it ain’t really me is it? To take the easy way out when there is a much harder way of doing things.

“Faith.” I hear her voice, and it’s like it’s as distant and faint as back in the Magic Box when I was in the midst of some serious pain. “Faith, are you okay?”

It brings me back though, from where ever the place is my head goes when it gets overcrowded with the thoughts in there.

“What?” Gotta think. Think of something to say that’s sounds better than…

“…What the fuck is happening?”

Shit did I just say that out loud?

B’s hand twitches in mine and I know I’ve said something I shouldn’t have. Something that I didn’t actually want to say, ‘cause really now she’s here with me and everything is finally quiet, do I really need to be asking why? No, I don’t. But something has cut off my brain from my mouth. And it’s also making my eyes do the frowny thing, so the Slayer not only twitches her hand she yanks it away from me and draws back a little.

Shit I wish I could pull a Red and take that back so she never heard me in the first place. B looks lost again, lost and hurt. Her dirty blonde hair with patches of blood. Scars and scratches to her face. Bruises on her knuckles, and a rip in her jeans. And here’s me, adding insult to crap loads of injury by wondering why the hell this is all happening? Why now? What has happened to change things? What makes this okay, her in my room, me leading her there?   
  
What does she…

What does she…

…say it Faith, you know that’s the real question you want answering. The one question you will never believe the answer to. No matter if she tells you a thousand times. No matter if she tells you just once.

What does she see in me?

How can she see anything in me that is worth her time? Her smile, her words, her affection.

Her love.

I want her to say it. I want her to tell me what it is she sees as she looks at me. And yet it’s not a question I can ever ask her, and it certainly wasn’t the question that came running out of my mouth a second time, when B turned away from me after probably deciding I’d gone psycho on her again.

“What the fuck is happening B?”

“You really want to do this now Faith?” Her voice is low, she sounds tired. She doesn’t look back at me so I don’t know what her eyes are saying, but her voice is telling me this could get ugly if one of us lets it.

Will I? Do I want to do this now?

Fuck, no time like the present.

“I don’t know B, I’ve kinda been through a lot the past 48 hours. Having a bit of a hard time processing it all. So why don’t you help me out?” 

I wasn’t being sarcastic or spiteful as I spoke. I was probably not the gentle, caring sharing slayer B woke up to in the Magic Box either. I was somewhere in the middle, as that’s where I felt in myself. In the middle of one of those emotional tornadoes again, waiting to see which way the wind would take this weighty tension that had filled my room. Damn it I wish she’d turn around instead of forging her way over to the window. I see her steady herself on the low table at the foot of the poor excuse of a curtain I got hanging up, and that part of my brain that actually makes sense sometimes, tells me to just shut the fuck up and go over there and hold her and just accept this. Only in my life things have never come that easy to me. Most of the time I’ve had to wring the frickin’ breath out of living just to get where I am now. Accept this? I wish I could.

“You think you’ve been through a lot?” She doesn’t turn around, but her voice is a little stronger than the low of before. A little hard edged too.

Don’t overreact I tell myself, though you just know there was a big part of me that wanted to.

“Well yeh. Let’s see, I’ve been electrocuted, kicked to shit. Almost ended up a super vamp’s main course not to mention be crushed under a warehouse. And before all this I was nursing one nuclear hangover, that I’m sure now I’ve finally stopped moving is gonna come back and finish me off completely. So yeh I’d call that a lot.”

Was that overreacting? Well maybe just a touch.

A part of me is distant from all this. Somewhere inside my head it hears my stupid words come out of my stupid mouth and that part of me doesn’t like what she hears, just as much as B is probably thinking she could do without hearing it too. It’s the part of me that wants to ignore the questions and the tension and skip a few pages till it gets to the good parts. The part that is wondering, just like the Slayer must be, how the hell things could have changed so quickly? From the touchy goodness of outside my door to this stand-off in the near dark of my room, neither of us reaching for the light switch so we’re bathed in the shining full moon beaming in through my window. Both of us pulling on that hard shield of protection we wear every day around each other, me doing my best to keep it firmly in place forever with the questions I have. Leaving the Slayer with little choice but to turn away from me, take in deep breaths I hear catch in her throat. Like when you run hard and fast and come to a sudden stop because shit, someone blocked off the road you were running down. And you look around for another way to run, breathing hard and deep, forcing air into your lungs while you can ‘cause you know as soon as you see a way out, as soon as you see that opening, you’re gone man. Won’t see you for dust. And whoever blocked your way with a stupid question that could have waited till morning, well that jerk that blocked your way, you don’t even need to give them a second glance as you speed past them. Nice try bitch, didn’t even slow me down see?

Yeh I see B. I see you over there by the window, doing the controlling breath thing. And I see that you’re still hurt, ‘cause you’re holding on to that table and you’re not letting go. And I see myself, reflected in the mirror that you haven’t noticed is right by you on the table. I look pretty messed up, just like you do. And I look as lost as you did when you pulled your hand away from me moments ago. I want to make this right. That’s what goes through my head right then as I see the both of us, looking so lost, so beaten. That part of me that knows it doesn’t really matter, the answers to the questions I have. Who gives a fuck, right? I have you, you’re here, you’re no-where else right now. I should have been satisfied with just that, ‘cause honestly B? It’s all I’ve ever wanted. You have to know that. I need to make this right so I can let you know that.

Shit how did this happen?

I’m about to speak again. I take a step closer to B so I can see her more clearly in the mirror.  I want this to come out right, it has to come out right. But then she beats me to it. Seems as though the Slayer has been silent that night long enough. And all I could do was stand still and listen.

“And what about what I’ve been through, Faith?”

She finds my eyes in the reflection of the mirror, a look of steely determination in her own gaze as she continues to talk, and I swallow the all too familiar lump in my throat, willing myself not to jump to any conclusions about where this might be going.

“Did you think you have the monopoly on pain just ‘cause you wear black a lot? You stand there and you bitch about one night being particularly rough on you, well what about me Faith? What about what I’ve been through? The Good Slayer, who never breaks the rules, who never steps outside the box while you go running around town, doing things your own way. Not answering to anyone ‘cause you’re not the slayer everyone watches. You’re not the slayer everyone expects to be perfect, to be on their side. With the decision made. With a plan in her head and the guts to carry it out. You can do what you like. See who you like and it doesn’t matter. No one gives a fuck who you sleep with, you don’t second guess who it is you are bringing to your bed ‘cause chances are you know they aren’t going to burst into flames in the daytime.”

She pauses for a second. I’m guessing that particular thought was a little too much on the accurate side and for a moment she remembered all the pain she’s felt, being in love before.

And I’m just adding to the pain right? Shit B let me speak and make it okay again.

But I don’t get the chance, the Slayer is on a roll and I force myself to not interrupt.

“You don’t have to try and do the right thing all the time. No-one expects that from you, but everyone expects that from me. Everyone watches me and everyone expects me to keep them safe. Expects me to do the right thing. So the right thing is being happy, bright blonde Buffy, with the dependable steady boyfriend, and the ability to avert every apocalypse that comes knocking, without even smudging my makeup. It’s living up to everyone’s expectations, even if their expectations are dulling everything inside me.

They wanted safe after the first time, so I gave them safe. For a whole frickin’ year I have given them safe, and it’s killing me, and no-one can see it. You say you’ve been through a lot, I beat you hands down Faith.”

Her breath is beginning to hitch in her throat again, like tears are threatening the strong resolve I can see reflected in her eyes. But I know she has more to say, I can see that in her eyes too.

“I have everyone around me fooled. Hell I’ve been fooling them so much for so long I think I almost fooled myself. Until you…”

She finally stops. I’m stood behind her, my gaze she’s been holding in the reflection of the mirror finally gets too much for her. She lets her tired eyes drop down, avoiding me.

I don’t notice myself do it, but I move toward her. I don’t know what I’m going to do when I reach her, but there is something willing my body to do that, reach out to her and hold on. To say that I understood everything she had just told me would be an understatement of Xander proportion stupidity. Nor would it be the truth if I said I knew that was how she felt, about herself, about her being the Slayer I mean. I always thought she liked the Good Slayer/Bad Slayer rep we had. Show’s what I know I guess. Right then though I just wanted to be close to her, and I also wanted her to finish what she stopped herself from saying.

I gently reach out placing my hand on her back. I’m quite close to her, she must have heard me come up behind her, even if she didn’t see it ‘cause her head is still downcast. I see her shoulders tense with a deep breath she takes in feeling my hand on her back, but I don’t move the touch, and she eventually lets the tension ease out of her.

“Until I what?”

I’m looking at her down turned face in the mirror, willing her to look back up to me. I want to see her eyes when she says it. I want to know that she’s telling the truth. I want to see the moment on her face, when she faces this thing that exists between her and me honestly for the first time.

For once I get what I want. There are tears brimming over the edge of her emerald eyes, I always knew B would cry when it came down to this moment between us. But hell it’s not like I’ve held back the tears that night, so I give her an encouraging nod and let her finish.

“Until you told me that you love me. I knew I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. I knew I couldn’t fool anyone else any longer. I don’t want to fool anyone any longer.”

A few tears fall down her cheek, and I fight the urge to wipe them away as that would mean turning the Slayer around, and right then it was like she wanted to keep at least a little safe distance between us.

The urge to not interrupt her though was harder to resist.

“Fool them about what?”

“About you, how you make me feel,” she paused again. I thought I was going to explode, my heart was beating so fast.

Please B, just tell me.

“How you make me feel alive when all Riley did was make me feel like I simply existed. I can’t fool myself anymore. I won’t lie to myself and pretend that I could ever love him when it’s you…” she faltered again.

“It’s me?” My voice is just a whisper, urging the Slayer to say it.

In the glass of the mirror I see a small smile play hopeful like on B’s face. Her tears are still falling but they’re the gentle happy kind of tears I’ve seen on her face before, when she’s glad something big has finally come to an end.

“It’s you who I want to be with. It’s always been you.”

Oh my god she said it. She actually put it into words. And I know that she kinda put it into words earlier on in the warehouse with the whole ‘I love you Faith’ thing but she was barely alive then. And well I didn’t really believe her, ‘cause B would never actually come out with something like that. Just like it sounds weird me coming out with shit like that. And my brain is running too fast here, and I am shaking slightly, and I know I need to do something right now so B doesn’t wig out on me, but I really can’t form the words, any words, in my head.

“Do you want to be with me?”

Huh? Are you kidding B?

Oh right, head thinks, mouth speaks.

“You even have to ask?”

Well that sounded better.

“I’m not sure of anything anymore.”

Her voice is so quiet her eyes releasing the last of the tears down her cheeks, and this time I can’t not turn her around and wipe them away. I do it gently ‘cause of all the pain inside her, and in me if I’m honest. When she’s turned to face me her head drops down again in that shy gesture which looks more familiar on T-T-Tara than the Slayer, I have to hook a finger underneath her chin so I can see the tears I so want to wipe away.

“You can be sure of this B.” I wipe the salty trail being careful of the bruises. “I want to be with you. I’ve wanted it so long I don’t know when I went from not wanting it. Wanting you.”

She looks up, blinking her beautiful emerald eyes at me, unable to speak. B has probably never heard me say so much about my feelings, at least in one sentence before. It’s understandable she didn’t exactly know how to respond right away.

I gave her a helping hand to figure out the appropriate reaction.

“There’s something else.” I whisper. “Can I kiss you?”

That got the Slayer’s vocal chords working again.

“You even have to ask?” She actually managed a smirk when she said my words back to me, though it’s short lived and replaced immediately with this honesty in her expression that literally takes my breath away. That expression leaves me in no doubt what the Slayer wants.

“I had to ask.” I don’t know why I’m explaining when really I should be meshing my lips with the Slayer’s right now. But explaining it seemed important, B realised that too.

“You’ve never asked before.” As she points that out to me I reach for one of the hands she’s been leaning on behind her, so I have something I can pull her to me with, just so she knows there will be kissage soon. Right after I say what I need to say.

“I never told you I love you before.”

There isn’t much she can say to that. And I don’t want her to say anything to that, not just yet. All there was right then for me and the Slayer was the closeness of our bodies. The soft and tender way she reached up and put a stray strand of my hair behind my ear so it wouldn’t get in the way now. The hand she let me hold and bring up around my neck so I could leave it resting there, a comforting weight, and both my hands were free to bring them up to her face. To cup her beautiful, rounded cheeks and hold her inches away from me. The feeling of her breath, short and ragged and needy on my face, as I closed the last of the distance between us, pressing my warm lips to hers for the first time. Not that it was the first time. But well, it sort of felt like it kind of was.

Our first kiss.

The first time I knew that when my lips touched B’s, she wanted them to stay there as much as I never wanted them to leave.

It was soft and shy at first, not exactly chaste ‘cause hey, it’s still me doing the kissing, but it wasn’t like any kiss I’d had before. The feeling of her soft lips moving slowly against mine, her hand on my neck curling a little, her nails scratching the skin as I kissed her a little deeper. Pouring all the pent up feelings, and emotions and goddamn love I’ve had for her all these months in to this one moment between us.

A moment I can’t do justice to here and now. Words are so inadequate sometimes.

Especially mine.

Fuck it Faith girl, what do really want to say?

It was not five by five.

It was more than that. 

It was perfect.

And it was just the beginning.

 

The End

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a big thank you to all the kudos and the reviews, it's been great to hear you've liked Faith's Journal, and I've really enjoyed the ride with you guys. This ending took a long time write, and I'm still not sure it's a proper ending. But I've got to put down Faith's Journal now, at least for a little while. Hey, they got their happy ending though....believe me, there was a version awhile back where they didn't! Thanks again for all your support. M.x


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